Progress Day

It is three years ago tomorrow that while I was running, I was chased by an unknown assailant (click here for the story). Thank you so much for your support and prayers while I may have needed more help than normal and for such an ongoing amount of time. I am sincerely thankful for all the prayers, positivity, and patience with me during all that mess. I have been so frustrated and so focused on my recovery, that I haven't kept this blog very well.

After my first foot surgery, I was told by my first doctor that I would never run again. After that surgery my foot broke again, while I was simply walking. I sought a new doctor. 

After the second foot surgery, I asked the second doctor if I would ever run again, he said, “Do you want to run again?” I told him that I did, he said, something along the lines that if I were patient with my healing, I could “do anything that I set the mind to do."

I have worked very hard to be as patient I can be. I am not fast and I don't go very far right now, but I can run! On that note... Tomorrow I will be celebrating by going for a run. 

If there has been something in your life, that you feel you have had to work with all your patience for, I would like to encourage you to begin to act. Put that patience to work and progress that thing in whatever way is appropriate for you, at this time.

To me, November 1st is now "Progress Day". How will you progress yourself today?

Live, love, fight for YOU and don’t hold back. 

The Fog

There was a particular few days during sixth grade that were unusually foggy. I walked nearly a mile to get to school with my younger sister, Rebecca. She was very nervous and scared; so was I.

In efforts to make the situation better for Rebecca, I pretended to be unafraid. I was surprised that she believed me. In hindsight, I think she needed so desperately to believe I was unafraid, that she ignored my struggling voice, shaky hands, and hurried demeanor.

I recall during that entire walk, that I felt like someone was following us. It was a very haunting feeling that would linger off and on not just that foggy week, but throughout my life.

Rebecca wasn’t insensitive for ignoring my feelings. I was 11 years old; she was three years younger. We were just kids and she needed a fearless big sister, so I did my best. But this memory brings to light the reality that at times, we are oblivious of others feelings, or are so consumed inward, that we do not see the people standing next to us that are also in the midst of something terrifying or overwhelming too.

There are also times when you are the one having to be strong, when on the inside you are screaming in the sinews. Sometimes you are the one standing in a fog, feeling uneasy, and feeling watched. Sadly, sometimes it doesn’t feel as though there is someone there to be fearless for you.

There have been many times in my life where I have felt like I have revisited this kind of foggy journey, alone.

I struggle with anxiety and panic. However, it’s absolutely amazing what you can do when there are rocks in the pit of your stomach, flowing tears, hair standing on end, and frenzied butterflies throughout the body.

Right now, I am listening to soothing bedtime music playing while my son is trying to fall asleep. I am alone and for some reason I feel the stirrings of anxiety knocking.

I am recalling the foggy sixth grade walk and the haunting feelings associated in some odd effort to deconstruct this shit that is internally boiling. And then it occurred to me, of course I would feel the presence of others in a fog. Even that day walking to school, Rebecca and I probably weren’t the only ones walking out there on the way to school - we just couldn’t see them. Why would simply living life be any different? I’m frequently oblivious.

If you drop the cognitive and emotional fog that I am in, I am surrounded. At this moment, in the next room is a sleeping five year old and at my feet are two totally cute dogs. Downstairs I have a tenant. Outside I have my neighbors. I just received a few texts from co-workers, a couple church friends, and two clients, etc.

Sometimes, like right now, I can swear that I feel the entrance of a spirit in the room. Call me crazy, but it feels so real. This spirit has one goal. That is to reach through the fog, hold my hand and let me know that I have nothing to fear.

Ah, could it be Rebecca who is here to hold my hand? Is that why I am recalling this fog story? She passed away a few years ago. What a sweet thing if it is her.

Great find: How to Live To Be 100+

There is a great find on ted.com. I encourage you to check it out. It is a presentation by Dan Buettner and the title is How to Live to Be 100+. Though I personally am not sure if I want to live to be that old, what I do like about this is that I want to live as healthily and independent as I can until I do pass.  It is with this in mind that Dan's presentation resonated with me.

Dropping major pounds and keeping it off

I would like to challenge the idea that losing a large amounts of weight is about 10% exercise and 90% nutrition. Though this is idea can get you far and it can alter negative behaviors, and certainly create huge changes.

However, I believe that losing a large amount of weight (and keeping it off) is more about: 10% exercise, 40% nutrition, 50% facing what you've been avoiding. This is what is commonly branded as behavior modification and/or change; but I want to take it farther and delve deeper into the specifics.

Regarding disease in this matter. Disease complicates, but it does not stop these efforts.

~ It is a cumulative affect not and immediate result. ~

10% Exercise
Simply getting up and reducing your sedentary lifestyle can work wonders. Then image what could happen if you added purposefully exercise bouts via specific cardiovascular  efforts, strength efforts, flexibility challenges, or all of the above.

Humans are amazing and most of us only use 10% or our brains. What would have if we really devoted 10%  of our efforts to fitness - it is amazing what changes this can bring. Simply making plans to be slightly more active during the day in some way would go very far to making some big changes.

40% Nutrition
If you put crappy fuel into a performance vehicle, in a very short time the performance vehicle would start to run like a rusty Volvo from the 60's with broken windshield wipers. Likewise, if you eat poorly or imbalanced you break, swell, barely inching forward, with very little ability to assist others around you - let alone yourself.

The absolute biggest issue I see in this area as a fitness professional is inadequate hydration, crazy high sugar intake, and sodium intake that is off the charts.

50% Facing What You've Been Avoiding
Addiction: Obsessions.
Anger: Grudge.
Betrayal.
Fear (selfishness).
Habit.
Laziness (a.k.a, disbelief).
Trauma.
Memories of what "used to be".
Being motivational hampered by too much futuristic thinking.

The root of many of the problems I see clients (and myself) facing, seem to stem from one of the following:
Lack of perceived social acceptance.
Lack of commitment or motivation = no follow through.
Poor or unrealistic goal making.
Pride.
Persistent negative self talk.
Unexplored and unresolved issues.
Not using support resources.

Now, of course there are many serious medical issues that some of this doesn't apply to. However, the greatest of all interruptions that I have professionally seen on this topic, have not been from major health issues. I strongly encourage those in the pursuit of serious weight-loss, to also companion their efforts with a mental health professional, support group, or a highly supportive confidant, while perusing such "weighty" matters.

Mind Numbing

Life can be overwhelming. Moving too swiftly, always plugged in to the pulse of
something, and then there are the real cares required to maintain, such as our relationships, family,
homes, and our own health.

I have noticed and experienced that it is incredibly easy to put off the things in our
life that require actual investment of time, connection, energy, planning, and
patience.

I see that we disengaged and lazily slip into a mind numbing comma of
entertainment and or living vicariously by stalking idealized relationships or
assets.

We all do this to some degree or another. However, there is a difference between
unwinding briefly with sports, news, movies, social media, beverages, and food
versus seeking a purposeful escape from responsibilities or relationships in an
effort to hope those conversations and responsibilities will take care of themselves.

I am not exempt from this; no one is. However, we can strive to: Stop. Unplug. Engage; face-to-face. Create an action plan. Follow through.

A Run Gone Horribly Wrong

Last November 1st I was on a run to get training miles in. It was nine to ten in the morning. I was hurrying so that I could make it home in time for church and then we had plans for the evening. It was the only time I could get the miles in that day. But it ended very differently than planned.

Not too far from my house is a irrigation canal and horse path. I've run that trail for years. It was on this run, I understood just how vulnerable I am when running alone.

A man in his mid-to-late twenties jumped out of the bushes on the other side of the canal and hurried over to the low end of the water. He jumped over that part of the canal and ran up the embankment and began to chase me.

When I saw him jump from the bushes and hurry out of them, I picked up my pace. I immediately felt in danger. That was the fastest I ever ever run in my life!

I felt certain that if I ran and never looked back, I would be safe. I knew that if I saved my breath for the running, I wouldn't slow down; I would have enough air to keep my pace and increase evermore.

Nearing the end of the path I could see an elderly woman coming our way. She was moving in such a way that I knew she was not in an physical condition to walk any faster, let alone flee for her life. I yelled with all I had in me, "Stop! Turn around! It's not safe!"

She did turn around and headed toward the street which was not too far away by then. I knew that there was no way she could increase her speed. Knowing this, I knew I would have to stop and say with her. There was no way I would leave her there alone.

As I drew closer to her I yelled, "Is he still behind me?" She yelled back that he wasn't and that he'd recently jumped back in the bushes. As I got closer to the lady I stopped and walked her pace with her and before long we were back on the main road.

Her home was nearby, so I walked her home. We then called the police and made a report. To my knowledge the man was never caught.

I am blessed to have made it out of that situation, however I didn't escape injury free. I ran so hard, so fast, and for so long that once the adrenaline dissipated I was in horrible pain in my left foot.

Over the following weeks and months, I had gone to urgent care a couple of times. I was told repeatedly that I simply had inflamed soft tissue in my foot and that the pain would subside after a few weeks. The doctors didn't see anything in my x-rays that would suggest otherwise.

So I reduced my activity (which is aggravating to do as a personal trainer and group exercise instructor). But every time I resumed activity my foot would hurt.

By the time early February came I got another x-ray and then sent the image to my podiatrist brother-in-law, who lives in another state. I told him the story and about the pain and asked him what more I could do.

He responded by saying, the doctors just aren't x-raying from he correct angle and that it is a common miss from non-specialists. But that he could see the distal end of the first metatarsal was definitely broken (joint of the big toe) and more.

I was able to get into a local podiatrist very quickly and they took another x-ray from the missing angle. We found that indeed there was a jagged break all along the joint. There was also multiple breaks in the medial sesamoid bone that resides under that joint.

After seven weeks in a walking cast, the jagged break was healed. However, the sesamoid bone was not. My doctor modified my shoe insole and put me back into my shoes. I was also outfitted with a bone stimulator to try and help the sesamoid heal.

I have had a number of extensive conversations with my podiatrist and found ways via his advice to be able to continue to teach all my group exercise classes and support the people I personally train. It's been tricky, but I've made it successfully through.

I am now at the point in my healing that the only way to truly return to full activity without pain is to have the sesamoid surgically removed.

I've decided that at this time, I will not pursue surgery. I don't know how my multiple sclerosis (MS) will respond to that, or how I will be affected in extremely more reduced activity.  I am moving now and I still want to celebrate that and take full advantage of it.

Activity is what has mitigated my MS symptoms and issues. I figure, maybe if I have an MS relapse down the road that then I will do the surgery, as I would be down anyway during that time. And  right now, I am only restricted in split lunges, calf raises, running, and things like that where the pressure is too great on that joint area.

In the end, I am safe. I am not recovering from any injuries more serious than this foot issue. I also believe that I was led to that path. Had that elderly woman been alone further down that path... I just hate to think what would have happened to her.

I am blessed. Though really frustrated with my fitness, I am glad that there's nothing else I am recovering from.

FOR AN UPDATE CLICK HERE

Breaking The Mold

Recently I was mocked by a peer. A fellow personal trainer actually said out load that I am an "embarrassment to the fitness industry."

The justification of the claim was because I am not skinny, I am "not as toned as a trainer should be." He said that I lack a level of visually apparent muscle tonality that a fitness industry professional should have. 

He ended with, "true fitness professionals do not have stretch marks, a gut, or an ass as big as [mine]."

This experience has really been like a punch in the gut... the very gut that has stretch marks from major weight gain (thank you steroids for treating MS, binge-eating, caffeine addiction, etc) and major weight-loss (90lbs).

I entered the fitness industry as a means to help others who were like me: 

• struggling with chronic disease (in my case multiple sclerosis); 
• using food and beverage as a means for coping through life; 
• affected by anxiety and/or depression;
• body image issues;
• negativity;
• poor daily life activity; and so much more.

I relayed this experience to another fellow fitness industry professional who knows me and I couldn't thank her enough for her response. 

She said that I am definitely not like the stereotypical fitness professional, but I am a powerful one. She said I'm a motivator with never-ending positivity, tremendous fitness knowledge, skill, and surprising energy. She said that I am a lot stronger than I appear. She said, "so no, you don't fit the mold - you break it."

Another fitness professional said that she has been more of a stinky sweaty mess from one of my classes than any other that she has recently attended.

Though this experience with the meanie fitness professional has hurt my confidence as well as my feelings, I want him to know that: 

• I sincerely hope if he's ever faced with a debilitating illness that impedes mobility, that he too can overcome it. 
• I hope that if he ever drinks or eats too much while trying to cope with life, that he can overcome the emotional shame and body image issues that are associated with being overweight or obese. 
• I hope that even he can overlook his own stretch marks if that occurs.
• I hope that no matter what comes his way and how his body changes, that when he looks in the mirror that he can not only realistically see the flaws, but also be proud of them and and what those flaws represent.

Today I outran a teenage boy, though I know that in time after I am done training him, that he will outrun me.

Today I spent one hour in proficiency training using TRX and a TRX Rip stick.

Today I completed an intense 58-minute cardio bout.

Today I spent time writing group exercise class designs for Spin, Lift, and TRX/Rip classes that I intend on using.

Now in retrospect, 10-years ago I was out of breath walking down a hall and terrified to step down from a curb without assistance.

I have made an impact to many. My clients have had tremendous success. My family has benefited tremendously.

Here I go, breaking the mold...

Let It Be

Have you ever had to wait for something that couldn't be hurried along? Did the waiting require sitting in complete discomfort of the unknown? Did the waiting require unrelenting prayer?

At moments did you find yourself scrambling for any amount of control in absolutely anything, because what mattered most was well beyond controllable?

When in this state, do you hold your breath frequently? Clench or grind your teeth maybe? 

How about your stomach, is it in knots and the entire world seems to keep turning while you're somehow stuck in a state of pensive stasis?

Are you filled with anxiety, panic, or being so overwhelmed about the future that you can't live in the present.
                                  
I've found that I frequently have to surrender, in order to move beyond this state of mind and physical stress that it can cause. It is very difficult to do.

I have to stop forcing and seeking control. I have to surrender to what is and fight myself from creating a negative interpretative spin. 

Instead, I have to search and seek for the simplest and most non-ego based answer and then surrender to it.

I find that when I am in this state of internal struggle, I often think of The Beatles song, "Let It Be" or Now We are Free from the Gladiator soundtrack.

We are stronger and more capable than we think we are.

What helps you when in this place?

Poetry Corner: iDistracted

iDistrated

Staring deep into the digital chasm

he and she seek,

                                    never finding the connections

                                                or answers they yearn for –

Theses connections and answers live

in real time

face-to-face

in spoken words

with real emotions,

                                                                        lacking emoticons.

silence,

stillness,

patience,

prayers unscrolled…

actual thoughts, and

true expressions

By Diana M. Bateman

(May 2015)

Wheelchair Boxing

One day after just finishing up working with client at nearby recreation center, I happened upon a stunning site.

Picture this: A man, mid to late 40's, and in a wheelchair. It appeared as though the curvature of his spine and lack of muscle strength in his back prevented him from sitting straight in his chair. 

He was very hunched over and leaning to one side. While in this position, he was actively using a hanging punching bag. He was hitting it hard enough that the bag was moving quite a bit. He was only able to use one arm.

This experience made my mind travel in many directions. I pondered a great deal about him and the fitness effort that he was making. 

I also had the sense that though his body wasn't ideal for the boxing effort, he didn't seem to be a stranger to the punching bag in anyway.

My client also watched this man for a moment as we were wrapping up and rescheduling. I could see that my client was also moved by the experience. 

After my client left, I walked over to the treadmill to get some running in while I had the chance. I ran on the treadmill for 30-minutes, in between clients. The wheelchair boxer was there punching the entire time! That is an extremely long time at a punching bag. He was slow, but very strong, and very consistent.

He stopped once someone who looked like a health aid arrived, this was near the end of my run. The aid and the boxer conversed in a way that appeared as though the boxer was teaching the aid something. They then cleared and left the area.

It is when I see things like this that I am just blown away by how much effort it takes for some people to be involved in life and various events that the general population take for granted. 

These people are often times more involved and more engaged than fully able bodied people. These efforts often go unnoticed, unrecognized for what it is, or we actually avoid looking. 

I challenge you to not only look at these people, but give eye contact and smile. Look at them, talk to them, learn from them, and train with them. 

Living By Design

Some things simply happen, other things we dream would happen, but everything else we make happen. This is called living by design.

I intermittently suffer from panic and anxiety. It can be crippling at times. On days when it is really bad there is a level of paranoia that I must contend with as well. Panic, anxiety, and paranoia are not a pleasant combination of emotions. I am not embarrassed to admit this, it just is.

Since I have taken a more active role in creating and meeting goals, I have been able to shift my focus from the scary unknown things that I cannot control and instead let in the light from the known things, in order to change my troubled perceptions. 

Easier said than done, yet persistent practice is an amazing tool for any talent that you wish to develop. It is the same with the mind.

Because I struggle in this way, I have become more vocal about sharing tips and tricks that have helped me to see life from a different vantage point and to regain a persistently positive light in my life. 

I now understand that there are a few things in this life that we really do have control over. Consistent and persistent practice makes all of these much more tangible. 

• Thoughts (internal self-talk)
• Words (external self-talk or social interactions)
• Beliefs (willingness to be receptive/open to others' beliefs)
• Response (pausing, thinking, then speaking; stripping the ego from the response)
• Determination (never give up; pause, take a break, rethink the approach; try again)
• Focus (enlightening vs. titillating)
• Kindness (Smile! Say "thank you" and "please.")
• Positive behaviors (Be the kind of person your family and friends think you are.)
• Presence (active listening; face-to-face time with eye-contact; reduce distractions like phone, TV, etc.)

Oftentimes every single one of these require a deep breath, a brief pause, and a little prayer.

As I have tried to incorporate these elements in my daily life, I have been able to live more in the present; reducing the amount of time dwelling in the past and too much worry over the future.

These behaviors have brought a greater focus and implementation of successful behaviors in order to achieve goals. I allow myself to think forward, in a positive manner, to generate a macro-goal list. 

I then break down the big picture and generate a linear micro-goals list. Doing and achieving the little things has long since been a successful way to accomplishing the big ticket goals. It is about conditioning, in order to promote progression.

What would happen to our world if we were all more persistent in living by design in this manner? I think I would like to find out.

Your thoughts?

Pre-Authorizations & Denials

Have you ever received a medical or pharmaceutical pre-authorization denial? Do not give up hope.

I used to aid others in seeking pre-authorizations as well as fighting denials for services. I am also a patient and have been on the receiving end of a denial or two.

I would just like to share that "denied" coverage is not the end. If you feel that the service(s) or medication is warranted, you and your physicians office should work together to appeal the denial.

Write your own personal appeal letter to the insurance pre-authorization department. Make your own case about why they should make an exception in coverage for you. Let your letter be accompanied by your physicians appeal. 

If it is denied again. Appeal to your employer's human resources. Get involved, stay involved, ask questions; even asking the hard questions.

If still denied, then inquire with your physician or pharmaceutical company about any patient assistance programs that might be available.

Be patient. Be persistent. Turn over every rock and pray all the while.

Kiss and Tell

"Ew! They kissed!" 

As a young child I distinctly recall a number a road trips, driving around town, or simply hanging out at home where I witnessed my parents smooch. 

Sometimes they did it to gross the kids out, other times it was with all sincerity and we just happened to be there. I recall making fun and pretending to be grossed out with my siblings.

No matter what though, I always knew that my parents loved each other. It was comforting. 

As I continued to grow I remembered thinking that I hoped I found someone that wanted to kiss me and love me too.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband returned from a nearly 7-month deployment. So this last week, my husband and I took my son and ran away on a little vacation to San Antonio, TX. While there we visited Sea World. 

Sitting in the stands, waiting in anticipation of a killer whale show, our son did something unexpected and totally awesome.

He was between my husband and myself and put one arm around each of us. With a hand at the base of both of our necks, he kept pushing our faces together so my husband and I could kiss. Each time we kissed, Jacob sounded completely delighted, cheered, and laughed with joy. 

Tonight, a few days later, while on a boat ride, he did the same thing.

I'm starting to see that kids need to see their parents love, to touch, and to kiss. I'm not talking about the kind of stuff that should be behind doors. 

I am talking about nice kisses, hand holding, and hugs. It is comforting not only to the parents to engage in this way, but for their children to see love between parents.

Thank you Josh, for loving me like my Dad loves my Mom. I am blessed to have you. It is exactly because of who you are that I have no problem kissing you and telling this to the world.

Foggy Places and Rainy Days

I have vivid memories of a particularly dense fog that loomed over the Salt Lake Valley sometime during 1985.

The fog seemed the most thick while walking to school in the early morning hours. I had to walk to school with my younger sister Rebecca. Our school at that time was a mile away from home.

Rebecca was scared and walked very slow. I was annoyed and frustrated at first. The next day I realized that her fear was very real to her and she wasn't just making it up to bother me.

She was terrified that her field of vision was so limited. Rebecca was afraid that something truly dangerous was lurking in the fog and it was coming out to get her.

When it rained she was noticeably happier and energetic. When the fog again returned it felt almost as though the fog had also settled inside Rebecca and not just around her.

The fog was so persistent that eventually Rebecca became acclimated to it and it seemed to no longer affect her so severely. She was different though.

It wasn't long after that time that a different hazard surrounded Rebecca; now she was in a difficult and more brutal long-term fog. She would have to fight for her life for many years. 

Sometimes she was leery and cautious of the figurative impact of the dirt in the air around her, "the fog"; other times she was willfully oblivious of it. 

I am now speaking of the negative influence of filthy neighborhood kids, other bad influences, curiosity, molestation, and eventually drugs and alcohol.

The grotesque fog that settled on Rebecca lingered for the next twenty years. For many of those years I was frustrated with her, not fully understanding the dangers that had crept into her life from that same nasty foggy mess that seemed to constantly be her around.

Then I understood the fears, her reactions, and the way she handled the traumas in her life. It was all very warranted, very real, very scary, and her various responses were just as unique as she was.

I loved her, I had many great times and created fantastic memories with her. I also have hated her and not wanted to be around her.

I have laughed with her, I have cried with her, I have learned from her, and I have admired her. I have prayed for her, I have picked her up when she was down. I have been down and been buoyed up by her energy and creativity many times.

I miss sleepovers, late night Phase 10 tournaments, licorice-straws in soda, and cutting out pictures of our favorite famous people from magazines. I desperately miss sharing music and making up songs at the piano together.

I hate the fog that is created by others. It scares me now. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I want to feel. The only way I've been able to navigate it emotionally, has been to pray fervently and to constantly seek out good things.

I believe in a Supreme Being, a Father in Heaven, and I believe that this Being can indeed literally pull the fog out of us, if we let him. Trusting and submitting to the Supreme is like experiencing a good rain; clearing up bad air.

Fog, otherwise known as the darkness created by poor choices by us and others must be allowed to exist, so long as there is agency. The power to choose is ours and those choices certainly can affect others around us.

But this filth that gets kicked up and carried around in the air does not have to exist inside of me if I don't permit it to. I have that choice.

Rebecca made such amazing and tremendous improvements the last several years; especially 2012 until her passing this last May. 

At age 35, Rebecca suddenly passed away. Her body had been through enough and it had rejected the medications used to help her function... her body just simply stopped working. 

Her death was a merciful thing, I think. Rather than living in extreme pain and somehow making it through, she is now free from her pains. 

Her passing came at a high point in her life. What better time to go, right? Her fog has certainly lifted.

I can't help but feel happy for her. Though I miss her, I also feel that she is truly at peace. She deserves that. 

In some way, I sort of feel like she is the one now that is leading me  safely through the fog that comes and goes throughout life. 

I believe that she has joined a team of cheerleaders that surround me. They keep me from allowing any particular dirtiness from creating a fog that's too dense for me to navigate through.

I admire the vantage point and understanding that the dead must have on the living. 

I believe that when it is my turn to return to my Father in Heaven that created me, that I will be greeted by my cheerleaders; Rebecca, certainly first among them... knowing her, she wouldn't permit it any other way.

Writing this feels really good. It has been a healing reflection.

Seeing Blind People

Maybe if I ride this persons bumper they will speed up or better yet, maybe they will move?

If I cut around this car then I won't have to slow down too... Why are they slowing down?

I can't believe he/she doesn't think that it's not noticeable that they're texting while driving.

Have you ever thought these things?

This summer my son and I were in a car accident and my vehicle was totaled. No injuries, by miracle, but car absolutely gone. Since that time I have seen a flurry of horrible driving. Admittedly, I am a bit afraid to be out on the roads.

I am driving defensively, following all traffic rules and no cutting corners. I've never been in an accident like this before. Sure I've been rear-ended (light tap really), but that's it. 

Yesterday while driving, there was a lady riding my bumper and getting upset that I wasn't driving the way she wanted me to. I could see her upset in the rear-view mirror. 

Without logic or reason I could see her speed up, trying to force me to drive faster. This made me mad because in short order I was going to have to slow down even more to make a right hand turn. 

I pointed in the mirror to her and gestured that she should go around me; seeing as how that lane was absolutely clear! Huffing and puffing she did so and went speeding away.

The next day while attempting to turn right, I yielded to pedestrians as was appropriate to the situation, when behind me some impatient soul illegally zipped around me creating their own two-lane right turn area and he nearly hit the wheelchair pedestrian and a child. I honked for all it was worth to stop the situation. All made it safely out of that situation and the other car found a way to speed off without incident. How? I do not know.

It has been like this all summer. Horrible driving, terrible impatience and people just not being aware. I feel like I am surrounded by people that are physically able to see but mentally blind to the actual surroundings.

My life, my sons, the guy in the wheelchair and the little kids life are not worth your text, your impatience, or you illogical need to dominate the road. 

Slow down. Pay attention. Don't create your own rules on the road. 

Please, do not be a seeing blind person.

Embracing the Ache

Sometimes life events cause the body, soul, and mind to ache beyond description. This experience can be best understood when loss has been experienced. 

In order to heal and reduce the aching, it is requisite to go into that space repeatedly. In other words, embracing the ache. 

Embracing the ache sucks, but when it subsides it's possible to realize just how much healing has occurred.  

It's sometimes a surreal feeling; to transition from feeling that it's almost too painful to even breathe to then turn some invisible corner and find peaceful acceptance.

I have been experiencing this over the last few months. It feels almost as if I've been living in a blur; a very painful to breathe kind of blur.

During this time it has been comforting to have memories of good times. The thrill of a run or simply talking about memories with close friends and family. A good nights sleep that wasn't interrupted by tears.

I couldn't write for a time, because I felt blocked. I feel a little more free now. My heart isn't as heavy. I still miss those that have passed away very much, chiefly my sister from this last May. 

I have been listening to some of her favorite music and that has been a tremendous connection and healer. 

Rainy days

I like the rain. It smells clean. Rain makes me feel alive and as though everything in life is going to be ok. Right now it is raining. I need it.

I like the sound of people or vehicles moving through the rain. I like the sounds of pitter-patter on unoccupied ground. I like the air that is required in order for rain to exist.

The feeling of rain, mist, or a downpour on my face has the same effect - it makes me calm. I have no idea why this is. Does it matter? 

All that matters when it comes to things like this is that it brings peace, comfort, or healing.

I remember a couple of college roommates that went out of our dorm room gleefully to literally go and dance in the rain. They tried to get me to go, but I was too embarrassed for some reason. 

But now my son has just finished his afternoon nap... I think we need to go and dance in the puddles I see on the patio. After that, I think a walk in the rain is in order as well.

Coming Clean

It happens to ALL of us. Stress, major life changes, death, deployments, disease.... too much too fast and that creates a loss of perspective and wavering self-discipline.

What is most annoying about these circumstances is that it becomes incredibly easy to fall back on habits that you thought you had gotten rid of. 

Even the strongest people are not exempt from being challenged in this way. My response to these situations are very much inline with thoughts expressed in Healthy Lifestyle Part I and Part II.

It's the darn sixth element of "struggle" that I spoke of in those two blogposts that is the motivation behind this entry. 

It is totally normal to face the Struggle Phase and experience a loss of perspective. It is also absolutely normal for waving discipline to completely frustrate all of your well thought out plans. 

It is also normal to sometimes feel like the Struggle Phase is lingering well beyond the amount of time that seems "fair"... shouldn't someone else being having their turn? No! Never wish that - ever!

What this really means is that you now find yourself needing to regain perspective and discipline...what do you do? 

I don't know about you, but what works well for me is to create a specific goal. In order to motivate myself to reach the goal I listen to certain music or reread things that make me feel good, like:
Continue In Patience (Uchdorf Video)
IF
Personal Dignity
10 Years Ago Today
Abiding Love

So, in order to overcome the desire for caffeine... AGAIN, I am going to follow my own advice right now.

R.I.P. In Life and Death

In the last two weeks my younger sister, Rebecca (age 35), passed away and my husband was deployed.

During this time I have had some of the sweetest moments of my life.

God is good to me. Life is beautiful, no matter how ugly people can be to each other. 

So often we hear the term "rest in peace" (R.I.P.) in reference to the dead, but it has a greater application. We should be able to rest with a peaceful heart in life as well as in death. 

Yes, this has been a tough time for me, but peace has been ever present during this time as well.

I would give more detail if I could articulate it. But the details aren't as important as the take home message noted above.

Laser Lipo

The other day while driving to an appointment I heard an ad on the radio for a local laser lipo business and the soundbite for the ad was, "get your lipo today and live your life beautiful."

This made me incredibly angry. 

What is the definition of beautiful? What is your perception of a beautiful person?

I have nothing against people getting lipo or other procedures like it. What I do have a problem with is the driving motivation and rational behind getting it done.

Have you known a physically appealing person who is a total beast to associate with? Are they beautiful?

Have you known someone who always smiles, emotionally builds up others around them? Are they beautiful?
 
Think of the senior citizens in your life that you love and reach out to. Why do you reach out to them? How do they make you feel? Are they beautiful?

What is beauty? Really stop and really think about it for a moment.

I sure hope this gets you thinking about your own perspective of what beauty is.