Get In My Belly! (Part II)

So my last entry on Get In My Belly! (Part I) you got to see a snapshot of a kid not making wise choices with her food intake. 

But hey, I was a kid and the sixth of eight children. But what about the adult that child six became? I'm sure food in general, dinner choices and overall experience was different for my other siblings than it was for me. But this is my story that I'm telling. 

I am also certain, that "my story" is very familiar to countless others, as well as a complete shock to those that never faced their issues in this way.

In retrospect though, I must admit that I was an undiagnosed binge, crave-driven emotional eater, which I came to find out is a type of eating disorder. 

Simply put (though some of my behavior was definitely learned), I am human and have issues that weren't being dealt with in a healthy way.

My diet eventually became quite healthy, but the portions were not. Soda was a definite coping device and my drug of choice. My consumption of soda was really out of control. 

At one point I was easily taking in equal to or greater than ninety-six ounces daily. I was eating and drinking myself into a hard road of health problems and never appropriately dealing with my issues. 

Though come to find out later on, while receiving counseling, I learned that my poetry writing (which has been a hobby as long as I can remember) was probably my greatest saving effort for my mental and physical health.

My weight loss journey (i.e., when actual effort was applied) really began in 2004 and waffled with sincerity until 2006, when I gave up. 

Then in 2007 I found out what it was like to really completely give up, refusing to lend any effort in actually helping myself health-wise. If it couldn't be fixed by a pill, without changing my behavior, then it (I) wasn't worth the effort.

In 2008, I hit a critical point and thankfully something snapped and changed for the better. What changed? Understanding that if I have control over nothing else in my life, I do indeed have control over:

1- my response(s)

2 - what I put in my mouth

3 - how I spend my time

I decided that:

• I was no longer going to sit in front of the TV or movies and allow myself to drink a soda and mindlessly be entertained, so I didn't have to think about or deal with the real issues that needed attention.
• I owed it to my family, my husband, friends... MYSELF, to reinvent and redefine Diana.
• Simply put, I needed to trust, love and believe in myself.

Then I went on a reading frenzy online and in hard cover to learn and educate myself as to why I was the way I was, so that I could decide who I wanted to be and why. 

Over time, I began to learn that this had absolutely nothing to do with food or other vices, it's just that food and other vices were how everything manifested. 

Some people commit crimes, are violent, passive, self-mutilators, etcetera... For me, I did them all one piece, one sip, one purchase, one episode at a time.

So what I read:

• A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
• How to Eat, Move and Be Healthy by Paul Chek
• You The Owner's Manual by M.F. Roizen and M.C. Oz
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Total Nutrition by Joy Bauer
• The King James Bible
• The Book of Mormon

What I did that worked:

1. Questioned myself on everything. I mean incessantly, all day, everyday for over a year. It was relentless! Why buy this? Why am I craving that? What has happened today? Why did I answer that way? Why am I lying to myself as I look in the mirror? Why can't I? Why don't I? Why say that? Why do I do this? Why do I believe this (or that)?
2. I tried really hard to practice "mindful eating" (and still do)rather than following any fad diet, the concept of which is so fleeting and simply not good for the body. I used to think that eating by craving was good, because it must mean that I am aware of what my body is lacking, right? Not always the case. Eating by craving can also lead to binging. This is really bad when you are a person with addictive behaviors.
3. Decided and repeated to myself that I have control over my choices and my actions. I refuse to allow myself to be controlled be others, things, or even my own self-defeating talk. I have a choice.
4. When feeling emotionally low and/or physically weak, I found I must first go for a brisk walk before I do or decide anything else. There is always time for that, there are always options even when mobility changes how you exert that energy. When you feel like the option isn't there, you are indeed making excuses. It's a choice. You must stop everything else, because YOU are on the line.
5. I began to read food labels (even if I feel like I don't understand them); often this determines what I buy.
6. I began to continually strive to be a "water only" drinking girl.

By the time last year's Thanksgiving came, I knew I had really made significant changes in my life. I had just one sensible plate of food and I met another goal, which was to get a run in on Thanksgiving Day. 

I didn't experience a food coma, a weight gain, or experience any lethargy like I normally do on Thanksgiving Day. And the best treat of all was that I liked it and didn't feel like I was deprived in any way. It was a good day.

If there is nothing else you get from this entry, I hope that your take home message is this:

1. Facing your issues head on is better than ignoring them.
2. When it comes to food, everything in moderation is really the key. There is no diet, program or pill that will do better for you than moderation, mindful eating and self-discipline.
3. Despite what you may think, you are indeed worth it all.

.... to be continued...

Get In My Belly! (Part I)

In my past blog entries, when discussing weight loss, I never really addressed the topic of food. There's a reason for that, but today and the next few blog entries, I'm opening up. 

When it comes to food I now have strong opinions. This entry acts as a background for my next entry. I'm not heading out to offend anyone here, but this is indeed an outline of how it was growing up.

(Heartfelt Disclaimer: I really do love you Dad & Mom and you did a good job surviving, er, um, I mean raising eight kids.)

My parents really tried hard to make sure we had what was needed in so many different ways, sometimes though, over abundance was  a problem. 

Since I was about ten years old we always had two refrigerators and freezers at our house. The freezer was generally FULL of meat that we didn't use often enough and ice cream, that was used quite often.

The refigerators always had fresh staples of milk, mayo, butter and  condiments from a variety of fast food stores. Fresh food was in the front of the fridge and rotting food was always pushed to the back. 

I think everyone was to blame for that last one. We'd all bring the groceries in and then of course it always seemed like the last one to come in the house was the only kid left to put the groceries away. 

Somehow all the other kids seemed to simply vanish. Well, the kid left to put the groceries away wanted to hurry and go play, right? Hence, old food pushed to the back and bags of new groceries were placed in front. 

Seldom was the food actually removed from the bags. Glazed doughnuts on top of the fridge. Lots of bread and probably apricots (for Mom's sake) on the counter.

The storage room had plenty of canned soups, nearly expired rice, instant potatoes, canned fruit, crackers, wheat (that most likely had weevils in it), and popcorn kernels. The only thing that we really kept current was the popcorn (for Dad's sake).

From my perspective, a typical day went like this:

• Up at six-thirty in the morning, but later on in Junior High and High School I was up at about five. Breakfast was cereal with milk. Once the cereal was eaten and all that was left was milk, I would of course refill my bowel with cereal, because I don't like drinking the leftover milk. Then right before I would leave for school, I'd have a glass of chocolate milk and steal a doughnut from Dad's stash. Then I'd steal money from Dad's wallet or Mom's purse for goodies from the vending machines at school. I'd then go to school with my self-packed lunch bag of chips and a sandwich.
• Snacks came from the vending machine at school using the money I had stolen; my snack was usually just a can of soda.
• Lunch was the packed bag I would sometimes bring, but in addition, I'd buy a pizza or a chef salad from the lunch room with the money I had been given for the week.
• On the way home from school I'd stop at 7-Eleven and get a thirty-two ounce soda with the money I had stolen.
• After school I'd watch television while eating potato chips or a tomato sandwich, with lots of mayo. When Mom got home from shuttling somebody to a piano lesson or a doctor visit I'd turn off the television and pretend I had been doing homework. I would then relocate to my friends house to play and get into all sorts of mischief.
• If Mom or one of the kids hadn't made dinner by six-thirty or seven in the evening when Dad would call home to see if dinner was on, then he'd pick up fast food on his way home from work. The choices were usually one of the following: Kentucky Fried Chicken (only when all the mouths were home to feed), Iceberg (a local hamburger & shake place), Taco Time (also when lots of kids were home), McDonald's, Hire's (another hamburger place; but only when a small handful of kids were home).
• By nine at night I'd be in my bedroom listening to the radio while really doing homework and drinking a can of soda that had been hidden under my bed. I was generally asleep or starting to get ready for bed by eleven o'clock.

Memorable dinners:

Brenda (sister) - Macaroni & tuna concoction

Mom - Tuna Gravy over toast

Jesse (brother) - chili and corn bread

Dad - Lentil soup

Mom - really good potato salad with hamburgers.

Mom - chicken cordon bleu with ham passed it's prime and hollandaise that wasn't... well, mom tried...

Dad - pork chops & salad

I'm sure there are other siblings who tried. This is just what currently comes to mind.

All in all, my eating habits really didn't change much until I got to college. Then in college the portion sizes just got bigger, croissants got involved, soda intake increased and I was no longer playing school sports to burn off any of what I was eating throughout the day.

What I have outlined, for some, may seem really normal and typical. But for others... maybe not. Regardless, for me, this was the norm.

Okay, that's enough for today, but the reasons for this entry will be made clearer in my next entry.

myTunes

Several people have asked what kind of music I run to. It's changed over the last couple of years. I started out with most anything that had a heavy consistent beat, or "angry" music. But around last Fall, I found KLOVE radio and it seemed like almost every song they played was just for me. 

The lyrics to most of these songs just really motivated, energized and inspired me not just mentally but physically.

Since that time, I've found that I run better and stronger to songs that have motivating lyrics as well as a good beat to them. So in short, here's my current running playlist.

Song Name	Artist
He Reigns	Newsboys
Alive Again	Matt Maher
Our God	Chris Tomlin
Pull Me Out	Bebo Norman
Christ Is Risen	Matt Maher
Hold Us Together	Matt Maher
Live Like We're Dying	Kris Allen
Light Up the Sky	The Afters
Free to Be Me	Francesca Battistelli
Ashes	Embrace
I Will Follow	Chris Tomlin
Halo	Beyoncé
Your Love	Brandon Heath
Before the Morning	Josh Wilson
Lift Me Up	The Afters
Love Like Crazy	Lee Brice
Don't Let Me Get Me	P!nk
Perfect Time of Day	Howie Day
Fall From Grace	Amanda Marshall
I Lift My Hands	Chris Tomlin
Not Living In the In-Between	Bebo Norman
Voice of Truth	Casting Crowns
Closer	Shawn McDonald
Dressed for Success	Roxette
I Believe	Diana DeGarmo
The Light In Me	Brandon Heath
Just Like a Pill	P!nk
More Time	Needtobreathe
Waiting Here for You	Christy Nockels
I Refuse	Josh Wilson
Son of Man	Phil Collins
Hope Now	Addison Road
Majesty of Heaven	Chris Tomlin
No Chains On Me	Chris Tomlin
Ruins	Bebo Norman
Blessings	Laura Story
Right Here, Right Now	Jesus Jones
Come to the Water	Matt Maher
The Name of Jesus	Chris Tomlin
I Don't Want to Wait	Paula Cole
You Love Me Anyway	Sidewalk Prophets
There She Goes	Sixpence None The Richer
The Only Hope	Bebo Norman
Hit Me With Your Best Shot	Pat Benatar
Through Your Hands	Joan Baez
Jesus My Redeemer	Chris Tomlin
The One	Brandon Heath
Awakening	Chris Tomlin
Now We Are Free	Lisa Kelly
Viva La Vida	Coldplay

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer

Diana on initial descent into Natural Bridges National Monument.

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. " 

~ George Patton

Just a few years ago my husband was away with the military for a rather significant amount of time. I was unhappy with life and I was alone. I woke up, went to work, and decided that on the way home I'd pick up something from a fast food vendor or I'd order pizza. 

I always had plenty of soda pop on hand and a recently rented television series waiting at home. From five to eleven-thirty at night I didn't move much from the couch. 

Life was too hard to handle away from the remote control. Looking back I see that I wasted so much time doing absolutely nothing! I was afraid to do things alone. 

I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid to wake up. I was afraid to start my day. I was afraid of socializing because people have to engage and talk there... I was afraid to talk. 

I was afraid to answer the phone or the front door; even if friends were on the other side. I was afraid to feel. I was afraid to exist. 

As you may have read from previous posts, several things changed for me; above all my attitude. 

I realized that if I don't work on the things that I want most in life, then I won't see them come to fruition. If I were lazy and couldn't allow myself to care, then how could I expect family or friends to care or support me?  

I had to find inner strength and courage to have a more meaningful existence. The thing that amazes me most is that I think I've only even scratched the surface of that inner strength and courage. 

It's also an extremely fragile thing to hold on to. It's a conscious decision and commitment. It's holding on... just a little longer, daily. 

Consider the Daisies

I absolutely love the card cover above. Some friends from work gave me this card on Administrative Professionals Day. I love the card for a few reasons:

• It's completely something that I would want to do; but would be too insecure to actually do.
• I admire the free-spiritedness of the act.
• It's a reminder that life is what we make of it. The events that occur are simply a jumping off point, it's how we respond to the situation that defines who we are.

Making the best of every situation is one of the biggest daily challenges that we face. Our attitude is everything. 

Why default to a negative perspective? Why be sad about being alive? Why lament what you can't do when there are many things that you CAN do?

I have a friend who is a quadriplegic and he's one of the friendliest, most thoughtful, kind and loving people I know. He's happily married, able to drive, works Monday through Friday, is currently working on his PhD, can transfer himself from vehicle to wheelchair and vice-versa, travels, has a very full life and is a happy man. 

I've never seen him frown or be negative; why is that? I'm sure he has his moments, he's human, he has to - but I have never seen it. He is able to do so much and have a very fulfilling life.

I was intending to go for a short run this morning, but that isn't going to work out today. I'm telling myself, "Gosh girl! That's okay. Last Monday you ran a 10k in an hour and three minutes. Hello! A ten-minute mile mile for over six miles!" A few years ago I couldn't even walk 0.4 miles without getting winded, losing control of my legs, and being down for the rest of the day. 

So, I still have an elliptical. I'm stiff but I know that a few minutes on the elliptical will limber me up so I can try to stretch out the stiffness in my lower half. 

There's nothing wrong with accommodation or a change of plans. I'm a little disappointed, but not enough to sit down and do nothing. I CAN, therefore I will do something.

Here I go...

Together Again

The last couple of days have been dedicated to a family reunion for a side of my family that hasn't really gotten together in over twenty years. 

It was wonderful to see everyone and their kids, to reunite and have conversations to try to get to know each other again. 

On the way home from the final event my husband asked me what I enjoyed the most and in all honesty it was simply spending time with these people. 

The recollection of memories is certainly fun and good, but it was the hugging, laughing and conversation that was most awesome. In a way it was like a little empty spot of me was filled, it was a place in me that I didn't know was really empty.

How often do we get absorbed in our own worlds and forget that we are an extension of something bigger? We all have talents and amazing parts to us, but it becomes more amazing when you apply yourself to something worthwhile.  

It makes you question what is really important in life. Investing selfishly will bring us temporary satisfaction, yet in the long run only result in loneliness. 

Investing in something greater than yourself may take a lot of energy, pull you out of a comfort zone and such, but in the end you feel edified and thankful for the experience.

There were some that couldn't be with us for one reason or another and all were sincerely missed. The absence was actually quite profound. 

Not just for those that are dead or dying, but also for those living elsewhere. It's amazing how profoundly the absences affect us in a variety of ways.

Aside from all of these things, it was the collective living, laughing and smiling that resonates. These are the precious things that we work so hard to create and remember. It's these things that get us through the tougher times. 

Memo To Self

(New Mexico Sunset, Photo by Josh Bateman)

The last few days you have really struggled with heat and its effects on your body. It’s really caused havoc even in your ability to attend the entire church service. 

You're perplexed because for the last two years, it’s been quite the opposite as you’ve enjoyed rejuvenation in the sauna. Life is change though, therefore we must be constantly changing too.

Here are some lessons learned, that should be no surprise to you for the next summer when you struggle. Do NOT wear nylons or heavy dress clothing. 

Wearing your hair up truly makes a difference. Ice packs and an umbrella while in the heat will make it so you can participate where you couldn’t otherwise. 

When the ice packs don’t work, remember that your health is more important than providing courtesy to others – get out of the heat.

Today you left church early because of the heat. Stripping off your clothes and laying in the coolest part of the house just to stop your body from trembling, jittering, and feeling so inflamed that you can’t stand to be in your own skin. 

Then just a few hours later you felt restless and wanted to do something… anything. So you attempted to do a strength-training workout and after a few minutes of warm-up you had the energy to pick it up a notch. You did it and felt energized.

Granted not everything has left your body, your ear still hurts and your eye feels sore, but you now have the energy to be human and as normal as can be expected without lamenting or laying down trying to be content to let the couch hold you. Today is not that day and you know it.

So now you have a little (very tiny) energy reserve. Step away from the computer, let your eyes rest, but go, do and stop thinking about this challenge/blessing and live!

~ Me