Growing up!

Come to find out, the process of "growing up" doesn't end at any specific age. 

In the last nearly 16 months as a mother, I have learned many valuable lessons. I am absolutely certain that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface for this education. I would like to share just a few things that have really made a mark on me internally.

Disclaimer: I am so not perfect, nor do I strive to be. I try not to compare and so in sharing this I would hope that you don't compare either. This is just sharing and learning from a person who still has so much more to learn.

1. I am glad that I have a boy. I never really was a little "girl" so I don't know how to relate in that way. I am still a tomboy at heart for sure.

2. The only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that I know nothing.

3. I have discovered that I am not a very patient person. I'm definitely getting a crash course on this and I am improving, it just isn't a comfortable learning process. But definitely rewarding.

4. Memories of my own childhood have emerged and become clearer as I have watched my son grow and learn.

5. I've learned very quickly what is really important to me and what isn't:
Important                           Not Important
Exercise                                Clean house
Clean Teeth                          Clean laundry 
Time in the bathroom           To hurry
Sleep                                     Make-up
Diaphragmatic breathing      Apps
Hugs                                      Television
Kisses                                                        
Cuddling
Clean laundry
Nutritious food
Play time
Structure
Laughter

What are some similar things that you have learned as a parent, while YOU have been growing up? Please share.

IF

I have forced entertainment to numb the white noise of my brain. Loud music, movies, and sometimes both at the same time. 

A few different times, I've even had both music and movie going at the same time in order to occupy the rowdy part of my brain, in hopes that the distraction would permit me to focus on reading a book that I needed to understand.

There have been a small handful of times in my life where I was over-numb though. Gosh those are freaky and surreal moments. I was so numb that I was oblivious to everything happening around me.

There have also been times where I have been surprised that the world didn't stop in observance of how my life had just changed (good or bad): cars drove by, people were laughing, dogs were barking, there was a flurry of movement, people obnoxiously loud on their cell phones talking about nothing.

Some of the greatest moments of understanding though have been in the stillness of chaos. Picture a topspin toy moving so fast it appears as though the very center is perfectly still.

I suppose the reason I stay so busy and active is to search for the moment in chaos when clarity manifests; even a split second of calm and understanding has been worth it. I do this because in that very moment some of the most amazing understanding and healing occurs.

This kind of moment just happened to me three times in one day on September 17th:

1st Experience
I've been worn out and running on fumes. I've been struggling with comprehension and needing to study for some continuing education courses that I am taking. I have a crazy, busy, and HEALTHY fifteen month old son. 

I travelled to speak at an event I was invited to, it was at "the big I.F." as locals call it, otherwise known as Idaho Falls, ID. I arrived at my hotel, walked into my room and found a spectacular view as well as very pleasing accommodations. 

The Clarity Received: I literally stood and communed with God and myself. I found tremendous strength and healing in just a few minutes. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and a sense that all was well. 

Have you ever experienced a time wherein something happened relatively quickly, but during the moment it felt longer because so much happened in just a small amount of magical time?

The picture of view doesn't do it justice, but I took some pictures of the captivating scene from my hotel room. After a time I couldn't help but go for a run out on the trail shown in the picture.

The building in the picture is the Idaho Falls Temple
that belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

2nd Experience
I met a couple at the event this night. While speaking with them I learned that they had a stillborn child at the end of June and two weeks later the husband had a major exacerbation and diagnosed quickly with multiple sclerosis. 

They were overwhelmed, hurting, and terrified. The Clarity Received: In this moment I felt an overwhelming outpouring and feeling of compassion.

The right words came to me. I don't know what I said, but I knew it had been important and valuable to that couple. It felt good to see that they received a little bit of hope that night.

3rd Experience
The evening closed with perfect temperatures and another amazing view. I sat for the longest time drinking herbal tea in the September chill of God's embrace.

The Clarity Received: It was nice to have the white noise of life quite for a time. I was at total peace and calm. That was a beautiful day. 

Moon Boots

I recall as a child being so excited to have my very own moon boots for winter. The predominant yellow color was so cool. Yellow was and is my favorite color. The vibrancy was a beacon for my youthful energy.

I was convinced that in those boots I could trek all across Antarctica and be totally fine. 

Before I understood how mean penguins could be, I used to dream of how awesome it would be to play with them. Have spectacular snowball fights, slide down the ice slopes, and explore the land.

I would see pictures of Antarctica and be amazed and the beauty of the frozen stillness. 

Looking at pictures of the vast frozen expanse of that land now gives me an overwhelming sense of smallness - kind of like looking over the Grand Canyon and realizing how small you are in the grand scheme of things.

With how self-centered, big-headed and selfish we can all be in this life, I think it is important to still have moments that remind you of how little the world is focused on you.

At the same time, it is important to have spirited youthfulness of the yellow moon boot variety. We have an incredibly large playground, tremendous potential, and a responsibility.

What is more amazing to me is the concept (and question) that, if we are so small in the grand scheme of things and our little lives can be such an impact in changing another life completely, then how "little" are we, really?

Poetry Corner: Visitation Rites

Visitation Rites

A July chill holds me as if I were a child in need and I relent,

embracing the moment customized to heal me

Ah, the gentleness moistens my eyes,

giving the sensation,

but not the appearance,

of having had a good cry

captivated by a good kind of somber

stilled by a raw, but Divine intimacy

I pray… hoping the moment will be granted an extension

I need more –   

I can easily surrender right now

A presence in the air around me soothes my aching,

I wonder who has come.

There is a familiarity… who has brought this peace

so desperately needed?

Gently unraveling the bonds of self-expectation,

responsibilities of life,

I feel as if I’m standing naked

out in the open

and I’ve been granted the privilege 
of everyone being unable to see me.

The bustling continues and my peaceful surrender remains 
fully exposed

I’m safe here

In this moment.

Just as quickly as it came,

I become aware that it cannot last – Dammit!

Emotionally digging in my heals, I plead once more for an extension.

With a final breeze and familiar touch in the wind

I am soothed with a bittersweet embrace

~ this moment was a gift ~

a visitation to grant the courage needed

to keep moving forward

the road is mine to travel

this path is familiar to them though –

they know my heart

and the familiarity beckoned their desire 
to love me more tangibly

ah, I know who this is now…

I’m doing just fine, huh?

Well, you would know.

By Diana M. Bateman

2013©

Rest vs Relax?

I was told that for the sake of my health that I needed rest. So I took two weeks and did my best to "rest". 

Rest included: handling a quickly growing boy, reading, sleeping, working out, watching several seasons of Fringe on Netflix, writing, running, hiking in Canyonlands, then I did some more reading, sleeping, handling a 15-month-old busy body, and then working out some more. 

That is about all the rest I could handle... 

What do you do to rest?

I've pondered a lot on this topic and thought that I would toss the question out to readers to answer. What is the difference between resting and relaxation?

Bravery

Turning pages, pausing to comprehend, writing to articulate in my own words, then comparing the figures with the text once more... Trying to absorb the information on how various muscles of the body are innervated. What the plexus does this do!?

It was at this time when a total stranger told me that I am brave. She said it because I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, and I was alone.

I was there to study and eat dinner because I hadn't been able to focus on my studies at home. So while husband and son were at home bonding, I studied at the library and then I relocated to study over dinner. 

Brave? What about this made me brave? Then I recalled a time in my life when there was no way that I would subject myself to being alone in public and eating dinner in a big booth.

Being alone in public, particularly while dining is a scary place to be for many people. When you feel this way about yourself, there is nothing more frightening than to be "publicly alone" - after all, if I believe no one wants to be around me, I must be a scary person and here I am alone with a very scary person. Agh!

But I'm not scary. The woman who commented to me that she could never do that, isn't scary. However, the perception that she is scary is incredibly real to her. 

Have you ever isolated yourself, hid yourself from public view because you were embarrassed of yourself? What if you say something silly? What will people think of you? For some people this is downright crippling.

I actually have many memories of ordering a large amount of take-out with the intention of eating it myself. At the time of pick-up for this food, I would ask for two packets of silverware, just to hide from a stranger that I would be eating the contents all by myself when I got home.

I ate to fill an emotional void inside of me. I ate a lot, in an attempt to not feel so alone.

The bravest thing I have ever done was to look at myself in the mirror and try to learn to love me. After doing that, sitting at a booth alone in a restaurant is not uncomfortable at all.

I am not a scary person. This woman who said I was brave, is not a scary person. We are beautiful people searching for a connection, meaning, and a purpose in life. 

We may not be picture perfect. We might have some social awkwardness and insecurity. 

It took practice to learn to like me. It took patience and tolerance to learn to love me.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one to have. God loves you as you are, why can't you? Why do we give up so quickly on ourselves? 

If you were incapacitated, it would just be you and your body - alone. Would you be kind to yourself in that state of mind and body? It is at times like this that I think of people like my Grandmother.

Grandma had a series of strokes. A beautiful, kind and caring woman. Left without words. Unable to care for herself. What did she think of? I sincerely hope she thought kind things about herself.

There were times I could see a flash of humor and a smirk come across her face. I love the idea that in that state she still found a way to laugh. Now that is bravery.

All of this reminds me of a Dustin Hoffman clip wherein speaking of his character Tootsie, Hoffman addressed how external beauty, as dictated by society, can affect our interest in getting to know a person.

Stepping away from what society says and accepting others regardless of their appearance and apparent awkwardness, especially in public is brave. Have you ever been the one accepted or rejected while in an awkward phase? Have you been the one to accept another?

Be brave - always.

Free

For so long my lungs and my heart have felt burdened by life, doubt, negativity, and then I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. The pressure increased and it became harder to simply breathe.

In contrast, there is a brief moment when my lungs feel so incredibly light. 

In this particular moment most everything seems effortless - marriage, homework, finances, doubt... responsibilities of every kind. Even my body works better for a time.

If you had something that therapeutic and pleasurable, wouldn't you seek it out? Wouldn't you find a way to repeat it? This is why I lace up my shoes and willingly skip sleep to seek out perfect temperatures. 

What am I running toward? 

Peace. 

What do I run from? 

The burdens of life and doubt. 

For some reason, when my body is strong, my mind, spirit, and emotions are too.

Running, lifting weights, and seeking to eat healthier are all tough things that require discipline, but at the same time they give me stamina and courage in more areas of my life than just the physical. 

The end result is freedom on many levels. Freedom becomes a beautiful blessing from the discipline these efforts provide.

I am not the fastest runner. I don't need to be. I only need to do my best.

I do not have the leanest body. It doesn't need to be. I only need to do my best.

I am not perfect. I don't need to be. I only need to do my best.

It is when I stop doing my best that my breathing gets heavier, both literally and figuratively.

What makes you feel free?