The Rose

I've no idea why my mind has gone here, 

but I almost feel like I can't say another word until I do. 

So... this is for me, you, whoever 

is in need of reading this today.

I don't know what sort of music or other things really helped my Grandma to cope through the craziness of life, but I do know that later on in years The Rose by Bette Midler was one of her favorite songs.

This has also become one of my favorites, almost for as long as I can remember. I recall being surprised that Grandma loved this song - probably because of it's origin. 

It has meant many different things to me over the years; as I'm sure it did for Grandma. Though I feel comfort and peace from it, it also manages to always make me cry... a healing cry.

This song makes me think of: 

• my military husband and other military families
• specific people from years gone by
• loss
• big failures that turned out to be a good thing in the long run
• continually overcoming living a life of fear
• addictions
• hard fought and won battles
• bittersweet victories

Mostly I find a great deal of hope in the fact that when all is said and done, Spring comes and so does growth, life, and Mother Earth's energy in full bloom.

                                "The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.

The Best Halloween Treat Ever!

Tonight I attended a special Military fireside (event) wherein President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was the keynote speaker. This was an absolute amazing treat for me.

You see, in April 2010 at the Priesthood session of the Annual General Conference for the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), President Uchtdorf gave a talk called “Continue In Patience” that has meant a great deal to me. 

Though I was not in attendance at that particular event, I was able to later listen to the audio recording. 

This talk is so powerful that I’ve been compelled to listen to it almost every day - either driving to or from work ever since I purchased the recording in June 2010. 

Much peace and good sound advice is shared in that talk and oddly enough, it all boils down to how we consume marshmallows (insert chuckle here).

Tonight, I went through great efforts to make it to this Military event. Several obstacles ended up in my way. The biggest issue was fatigue. 

The day after my MS treatments often leaves me... lacking in energy. When I finally made it to the event location (five minutes prior to it's start), I was disheartened to see that cars lined the road several blocks back. 

I sighed and kept moving forward in the vehicle hoping for a miracle. I neared the parking lot and was stopped by an attendant who informed me that one spot in the actual parking lot would be opened and I could have it. 

It was being used for the shuttle that was bringing people to and fro. There was so much relief in my heart that I wouldn’t have to walk a great distance, because I didn’t have it in me. 

I got into the event to see that it was PACKED, but because I was alone I could squeeze into one spot not too far from the entrance and I was guided by an escort right to the spot. Whew! I made it.

Prior to beginning I was able to take a quick look around and behind me to take-in a sea of military uniforms and their civilian counterparts. 

It was an overwhelming and an awe-inspiring sight. Then the opening hymn of High On The Mountain Top began and I could hardly keep the tears back; there was so much gusto from all the male voices around me, it was amazing. Apparently, the event was being broadcast live to soldiers in Iraq (it was three-thirty in the morning their time); also a very humbling site.

Many wonderful things happened at this event and powerful words were shared; just as amazing as Uchtdorf’s talk on patience - but today, my take home message was wrapped up in these key points:

• Support courage to do what is right.
• Advance independent thinking.
• For our own sake, we need to be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of the Lord.
• This life is a time to learn to overcome challenges.
• Things of great worth are never “easy”.
• We can’t banish trials, but we can banish fear.
• God will not leave us comfortless.

We closed the meeting with the congregation singing, Onward Christian Soldiers and I simply couldn’t get through the song. I was too overcome by the beautiful choir all around me. These Christian soldiers and their families, pressing onward, united and joyful. I was honored to be in their presence tonight.

After the close of the meeting there seemed to be a pathway that opened up, especially for me - just like parking the car and finding a seat, I next found myself in front of President Uchtdorf and his beautiful wife Harriet. 

I was able to shake their hands and in a rare moment President Uchtdorf paused long enough for me to get the words out that I listen to his talk on patience daily and that I was compelled to let him know I’ve not eaten my marshmallow yet (a reference to the main point of his April 2010 address). He chuckled and embraced me with a very warm and strong hug that my soul needed.

I will never forget this night, or the gratitude I feel in my heart. Despite the challenges, I’m so blessed to be in the military world. 

It has all been worth it, simply to hear my fellow military families and service members singing the way they did tonight. God bless you (us) all.

The Military & Multiple Sclerosis

I never thought I would marry into the military...

or have the need to say, “I have MS”.

When I first met my husband he was in the Army National Guard, now he is in the Air National Guard. I have experienced a lot as a military wife and I am sure to experience a lot more; I’ve no regrets. Regardless if you are Active military or National Guard, when you have MS, being a military family is incredibly challenging. As a matter of fact, being a military family is a lot like having MS.

There is a large amount of unpredictability, a physical and emotional roller-coaster, a lot of “hurry up and wait”, as well as moments of incredible learning about who you are and how far your limits extend. Patience is tried, but there are also moments of accomplishment.

When my husband went through his Officer training in Tennessee, there was a graduation program at the completion that I was able to attend. This program was a big deal, so the commencement was not a small event.

During the evening portion of the event, there was a table with a display that represented the fallen soldiers of all the military branches. I was touched at how the table was displayed. A representative in uniform for each branch carried a dress hat and walked slowly to the cadence of a very somber air. The great hall was very quiet throughout the presentation, with an air of respect, sorrow, devotion, absence, honor, memory, and love...at that moment you were on hallowed ground. It is the memory of this experience that comforts me beyond explanation.

No matter our lot in life, regardless of our trials, 
human life...living life is so precious and important that I know I can’t waste a moment of it.

I cry. I have bitter moments. I feel loss and frustration, but when I am through feeling these emotions that any human has the right to feel, I then have a responsibility to carry on and do what I can do - serving others that are still within arms reach.

I am at war. I’m a soldier fighting for normalcy, functionality, happiness, and me; and when I fall, I expect you to be there for me. I could share more military and MS experiences, but the one I have shared here is the most applicable. I have a little motto that I like to say a lot. I have said it in this blog before and it is a good one to keep in mind.

Living your life based on the unpredictability of MS can be

more detrimental than the disease itself.

To withhold opportunities, activities, and goals because you aren’t sure how your MS is going to affect you from day to day, only makes for a lonely and unhappy existence.

The military factor is nothing more than another obstacle. So I have to find someone else to inject my arms when Josh is gone. I have sole responsibility to maintain our home and finances...but I have also been blessed with awesome family, neighbors, co-workers, friends, and community. The thing that makes the biggest difference is letting these people in to help me when I am going it alone. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it isn’t fun when Josh is deployed or at drill when I need him, but it all boils down to the same thing regardless of the situation and that is how I let it affect me.

My husband is currently gone with the military for the next year. Earlier in the week, I was just fine. Yesterday I was miserable. Today I am sad, but productive. Tomorrow...tomorrow will be what tomorrow brings, but for now the forecast is positive.