Foggy Places and Rainy Days

I have vivid memories of a particularly dense fog that loomed over the Salt Lake Valley sometime during 1985.

The fog seemed the most thick while walking to school in the early morning hours. I had to walk to school with my younger sister Rebecca. Our school at that time was a mile away from home.

Rebecca was scared and walked very slow. I was annoyed and frustrated at first. The next day I realized that her fear was very real to her and she wasn't just making it up to bother me.

She was terrified that her field of vision was so limited. Rebecca was afraid that something truly dangerous was lurking in the fog and it was coming out to get her.

When it rained she was noticeably happier and energetic. When the fog again returned it felt almost as though the fog had also settled inside Rebecca and not just around her.

The fog was so persistent that eventually Rebecca became acclimated to it and it seemed to no longer affect her so severely. She was different though.

It wasn't long after that time that a different hazard surrounded Rebecca; now she was in a difficult and more brutal long-term fog. She would have to fight for her life for many years. 

Sometimes she was leery and cautious of the figurative impact of the dirt in the air around her, "the fog"; other times she was willfully oblivious of it. 

I am now speaking of the negative influence of filthy neighborhood kids, other bad influences, curiosity, molestation, and eventually drugs and alcohol.

The grotesque fog that settled on Rebecca lingered for the next twenty years. For many of those years I was frustrated with her, not fully understanding the dangers that had crept into her life from that same nasty foggy mess that seemed to constantly be her around.

Then I understood the fears, her reactions, and the way she handled the traumas in her life. It was all very warranted, very real, very scary, and her various responses were just as unique as she was.

I loved her, I had many great times and created fantastic memories with her. I also have hated her and not wanted to be around her.

I have laughed with her, I have cried with her, I have learned from her, and I have admired her. I have prayed for her, I have picked her up when she was down. I have been down and been buoyed up by her energy and creativity many times.

I miss sleepovers, late night Phase 10 tournaments, licorice-straws in soda, and cutting out pictures of our favorite famous people from magazines. I desperately miss sharing music and making up songs at the piano together.

I hate the fog that is created by others. It scares me now. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I want to feel. The only way I've been able to navigate it emotionally, has been to pray fervently and to constantly seek out good things.

I believe in a Supreme Being, a Father in Heaven, and I believe that this Being can indeed literally pull the fog out of us, if we let him. Trusting and submitting to the Supreme is like experiencing a good rain; clearing up bad air.

Fog, otherwise known as the darkness created by poor choices by us and others must be allowed to exist, so long as there is agency. The power to choose is ours and those choices certainly can affect others around us.

But this filth that gets kicked up and carried around in the air does not have to exist inside of me if I don't permit it to. I have that choice.

Rebecca made such amazing and tremendous improvements the last several years; especially 2012 until her passing this last May. 

At age 35, Rebecca suddenly passed away. Her body had been through enough and it had rejected the medications used to help her function... her body just simply stopped working. 

Her death was a merciful thing, I think. Rather than living in extreme pain and somehow making it through, she is now free from her pains. 

Her passing came at a high point in her life. What better time to go, right? Her fog has certainly lifted.

I can't help but feel happy for her. Though I miss her, I also feel that she is truly at peace. She deserves that. 

In some way, I sort of feel like she is the one now that is leading me  safely through the fog that comes and goes throughout life. 

I believe that she has joined a team of cheerleaders that surround me. They keep me from allowing any particular dirtiness from creating a fog that's too dense for me to navigate through.

I admire the vantage point and understanding that the dead must have on the living. 

I believe that when it is my turn to return to my Father in Heaven that created me, that I will be greeted by my cheerleaders; Rebecca, certainly first among them... knowing her, she wouldn't permit it any other way.

Writing this feels really good. It has been a healing reflection.

A Crushed Heart Can Lead to Triumph

This is the moment. Just as imagined and hoped for. So much preparation has gone into getting to this exact point. Can a heart really pound this intensely without bursting? It's time to shine and overcome what you once thought was impossible. 

This is the description of a moment we have all experienced at some point. The nervousness, excitement, hope, and simultaneous dread; hoping all things go as dreamed, as imagined.

This is Sweet-pea's story. Sweet-pea is the fictitious name of a real person - my friend. 

Using my skills as a personal trainer, I volunteer at a center for developmentally delayed adults. This is where Sweet-pea and I met. 

The need for personal training with this special needs population is so high and often over-looked because it's not glamorous personal training. However, from my perspective, this is one of the populations that need it most. 

How would you feel bound to mobility aides, immobilizing braces, and straps? For a brief time at this center, about 20 of the patrons receive continued and personalized training throughout the week. A grant and volunteers makes this possible. Sweet-pea is one of the 20 who receive these benefits.

Sweet-pea is in her late 40's to early 50's and uses a wheelchair. She can't talk, but she gestures and nods "yes" and "no". Sweet-pea is strong-willed and as independent as she can be. She loves to tease and has a natural "Oh ya? Just watch me attitude." 

Sweet-pea's neck leans excessively forward (practically touching her clavicle) due to postural and upper body weakness. As directed by a physical therapist, we've been working with her to walk with the aid of a walker as we follow behind her with a wheel-chair to catch her (just in case). This week the goal was big and Sweet-pea was eager for it.

Sweet-pea was going to walk about 80-feet with only three rest stops. She was ready. She could see it and taste the victory. She was particular about a friend watching.  She was also specific that no one should get in her way as she walked the hall from point A to point B and back. She was nervous, but oh so ready for the challenge. So she began her walk.

For some reason there was an suddenly an unusual amount of hallway traffic and after 15 or so feet she gave up in anger and her heart was obviously crushed. Everyone was in the way. This was her time and the obstacles were too great. Crying and bitter she stopped.

Angry and yelling she wheeled herself away, crying and hurting she tried to hide. Sweet-pea's dreams, hope, and hard work seem to be for nothing from her perspective. My heart broke watching this breakdown. She was expressing herself the only way she could as language wasn't even hers to own.

I don't know how, but by some miracle me and her friend were able to talk her into coming back in to the gym room to finish a light workout. We were also able to reschedule "the great walk" for the next day during what we hoped would be a less busy hallway traffic time.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to be there for her the next day. I prayed for her and she was heavy on my mind all night.  I know the need to accomplish a goal like that. This was big and she was ready, but the circumstance was against her.

I was pleased to hear the next day that not only were the conditions just right for her, but she did "the great walk" and with only one rest stop! Though I wasn't there for it, I could see it in my mind's eye. 

Instead of her arm flailing in anger to motion people away and screaming in anger, I could see her arm triumphantly motioning the joy of success. I could hear her scream have the energy of an Olympic gold winning, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I could even feel the joy and relief from the other trainers and aids as her goal was met this time.

And with the previous nervousness, excitement, hope, and simultaneous dread; hoping all things go as dreamed, as imagined. There is now an equal sense of relief, accomplishment, satisfaction, and humility. This is just my feeling about Sweet-pea s adventure. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling. Go girl!

Death, Divorce, and Same-Sex Marriage

Wow, I have been contemplating life so much lately. This last little bit with my cousin's wife (five months younger than me) passing away really has thrown me. 

Here's my take home message from all my pondering:

This life isn't about you or me, rather it is about what we do for each other. Live, love, serve, be faithful, and repeat.

I've also seen several families fall apart this last year. In each case it was due to one of the following: "irreconcilable differences", disease, or infidelity (physical, mental, or emotional). I've been torn watching how kids are affected by this.

Here's my take home message from pondering these individual situations: 

Live, love, serve, be faithful, and repeat.

Then there's been a great deal in the Utah media about same-sex marriage. The big issue here is the assumptions that people make about what I must think about it, after all, I am: 

• "Mormon" 
• part of a military family
• have a homosexual sibling.

I am sorry but that's a complex and contradictory combination (military, Mormon, homosexual sibling) and my answer to this topic is actually quite simple:

Live, love, serve, be faithful, and repeat.

God bless us, everyone!

No one ever thinks that when they get married that in just a few short years they would be burying the love of their life.

When we get married we feel indestructible and that the entire world is before us, ready to roll whichever direction we will it to go.

Reality might settle in when the first disagreements or children come along. We work up to these things though. As we come to know our best friend better, we come to know ourselves better. We grow together - or at least that's the plan anyway.

There is a "happily ever after family" gathering together right now in a local hospital as they are about to turn off the life-support for their wife, mother, daughter, and sister. I can't imagine what my cousin and his young children must be going through. 

At the same time I can also imagine that there is a great deal of comfort knowing that the pain and suffering is now coming to an end.

I used to think that Christmas Eve should always be filled with joy and excitement. I see it much differently now. 

Mercy, humility, peace, loving-kindness, prayer, hope, charity… these are the emotions of Christmas Eve. If joy happens to accompany the mix, well then, embrace it too.

God bless us, everyone!

Covered In Grace

It's hard not to notice that I believe in God. I have faith. If you have been reading my blog, but do not personally believe in a higher power - thank you for sticking with me. 

I won't try to convince you to be a believer. But I would like to share with you a brief thought.

My beliefs and faith in God are a definite core component in my life. I believe that my life has a purpose. 

Because of this belief it is much easier for me to feel guided. It is much easier to face the challenges of life, to meet trials head-on, with real power, and with temperance.

Setting a higher power aside for those that do not accept, I still think we can see eye to eye in many ways. 

Mercy exists

even if you do not believe in a higher power; 

so does courage, kindness, hope, love, 

perseverance, and joy. 

These attributes often move people into action. Endurance blooms in the light of all of these efforts. 

In my mind, God abounds in these environments. I believe that we were meant to strive to be all of these things. 

By emulating this behavior, for the benefit of someone else, I believe that we actually become an earthly angel aiding others. Yes, "someone" also includes our furry four-legged friends, fish, birds - every living creature.

Some may feel that it's just the right thing to do. Financial contributions are nothing but a tax benefit. Being a humanitarian is good public relations. But to me, when you do these things, I see it as being the literal hand of God on a divine errand.

Living fearlessly, generously, and selflessly in this way, makes me feel warm and good. It makes me feel the deepest kind of love. 

I am moved by charity of all varieties. When we do good and when we have faith in something greater that ourselves, it is like being wrapped in a shroud of the finest kind; I call being covered in grace.

I believe that repeated practice of these attributes literally endow us with a dowry of the finest eternal kind. 

The excitement that stems from this behavior lives somewhere inside me and it is constantly burning. Some may call it intrinsic motivation, I call it a blessing.

I give, I do, I love, I try, I persevere because I want to live with my Heavenly Father again. 

I want to face the higher power that made me and honestly say, "I did my best." 

It is that simple.

Living in Faith and Courage

Someone asked me recently, "what made it possible to change from living in fear to living in faith and courage?" This is an extremely good question.

When I was living in fear, I was allowing myself to be ruled by self doubt, which was fueled by false perceptions. These false perceptions were not limited to just myself, but the world, as well as my role within it. I had truly believed that I was insignificant and easily discarded. Please note the past tense tone of that last statement.

Because I felt that I was insignificant and easily discarded, I feared that my entire existence didn't matter. I believed that I was one hundred percent replaceable in every way. Fear was a natural result. This childhood fear definitely lingered well into my adult years.

I would come in and out of this phase and thinking periodically, but it was never a lasting feeling. With such strong limiting beliefs, how on earth could I matter in the grand scheme of things? In what possible way could I bring any value to the world at all?

Then there was a series of events that completely upended this fear-based line of thinking. 

SITUATION: I had a talk with God one day and I asked, if I was so replaceable and insignificant, then why am I here? I believed God to be a kind and a loving God, but if I was here on earth without a purpose or any meaning, then that was just simply cruel.

RESULT: God found a way to let me know that I was of value, but more importantly I believed it. Here's how He did it.

The way in which I learned that I was of value and significance was during the time I was watching my father-in-law slowly die. God spoke to me in my heart during this time. I am not sure that I can describe it, but it was powerful and undeniable. Here were some of the thoughts I was having.

My father-in-law was prone to melancholy and depressive thoughts, yet he had impacted so many lives for good - more than he had impacted them in negative ways. I then thought about others that had "impact" and "value" in the world both on a grand scale as well as in my own personal life. 

Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, and Oprah Winfrey are truly great people - but with some pretty big issues and faults. But they persevered and continued forward to the best of their ability. They persistently and consistently worked hard to live good lives. Their best efforts changed lives for the better.

On a personal note and as further proof, there's Mrs. Wasden who was my fourth grade teacher. Because of her example I learned to love reading and writing. She is a good woman, with a beautiful light to share with the world. 

All Mrs. Wasden cared about was God, her family, her students... ginger snaps and root beer flavored hardtack candy. Yet, when in her presence, you were made to feel as though you were the top priority - even in a crowded room.

As I reflected on these experiences, they became a serious ongoing boost to my faith. If my imperfect melancholy father-in-law, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Oprah Winfrey, and Mrs. Wasden can impact even one person to change their life for the better, well then...that was a life well spent.

When you have faith-uplifting experiences like this, it creates an energy and courage within. When this happens, the world seems to change right in front of your eyes.


SITUATION: Because of the increase in faith and courage, I felt more daring to try things, to be more involved, and more than that - to believe that my contribution to a variety of events in life actually mattered. 

RESULT: All the sudden I felt a surge of energy, an almost "unleashing" and urgency to live life fully. Why? Because someone out there needed me. Someone out there could have their life changed for the better, just because I had the words and maybe even the actions at the right time to be the linchpin to their unleashing. 

Wham! Bam! All of the sudden I can see that I am in no way insignificant. Of course I matter! Of course I have value! Now that I understand this, how could I have fear? How could I not have courage? 

It was at this time that I first heard Gandhi's quote, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." He said it so simply. It was as if it could happen, just like that. Just all the sudden, "be the change."

I've since discovered that it is possible to all of the sudden just "be the change." Your habitual doubts and historical behavior are an ongoing obstacle, but it is possible to change them as you create new habits. It requires practice, but it is possible.

Last 3min

I've no idea why I've been so reflective lately. Maybe it's because I feel so thankful in many areas of my life that it's almost overwhelming.

I was listening to a random talk while driving in my car, I don't recall who the speaker was. The take home message I got was this:

If I only had three minutes left to live, 

what would my parting words be?

I was relieved to have the answer instantly come to me, there was no real deliberation. In fact, I was so relieved I had no doubts in my response that I want to say those things now. Why wait?

Minute 1: God lives. Jesus Christ is the way. No relationship or devoted effort is more important than this one.

Minute 2: I love my husband and I am so thankful for the courage his presence brings to my life, his caring heart and companionship are priceless. I'm thrilled beyond to have my son; he is an absolute treasure. Dad and Mom, thank you for the amazing examples of true love and charity that you have been - always.

Minute 3: Everyone else, dig deep and LIVE this life with all that you have. Give, love, serve, do the hard things, be honest, and inspire goodness.

From Birth to Death

Watching my little eight-month old son grow, develop, and learn has been an amazing process to watch. There are so many parallels that can be drawn from this time of life.

From birth to death we continually struggle to grow, develop, and learn. 

Although there may be frustration in learning: how to turn from our back to our stomach, incorporating hand-eye coordination, potty training, reading, writing, math... it all fits together. Each thing we learn builds on itself, to improve our turn on earth.

Each experience builds on the next. Each repeated and applied movement or thought develops a skill. If a baby didn't strive to do new things, it simply wouldn't thrive.

How are we, as adults, any different?

It would be nice if things were easier all the time, but where would be the growth? Where would be the knowledge? If we weren't challenged, things would stay the same all the time. Then there's boredom, stasis - a true lacking.

There are times that I can't help but feel that I am being watched, just like I'm watching my son. Sometimes the watcher is a mentor, parental figure, family that have passed on and that are watching from the other side, and God.

All of these figures at some point watch, sometimes with baited breath and excitement, wondering... "Is this the moment we see her do it?"

It may have taken days, months, years or a lifetime. To see all of the critical developmental stages; the physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, etc.

We are excited to see certain growth unfold and then there are times we cringe at less desirable, less effective application of skill or dormancy of it as well. But this is also part of the process, isn't it?

The concept still stands though. We must strive to face challenges, and overcome them in order to thrive (to triumph, succeed, learn, grow).

I'm convinced that as long as we continually strive from birth to death to grow, develop, and learn to the best of our ability, we are destined to live a good life - no matter the environment or the circumstance.

I don't want to "go gentle into that good night"* with people watching in ambivalence, relief, or lack of emotion. No, that is definitely a moment that I hope I am surround by people with baited breath and excitement, wondering... "Is this the moment we see her do it?" 

                                              

*Dylan Thomas

Choose Your Own Adventure

I have made many decisions throughout my life. They have been good, bad, passive, energetic, simple, complex... all of these have taken me down a variety of paths. 

Sometimes I have meandered, other times I've slouched, I've gone ahead full steam, and I've hidden. The doors that have been opened  as well as shut have always been interesting. 

I have always been exactly where I should be, even when I didn't think so; even when I wish I hadn't been.

To bring the point home, know that I grew up reading Edward Packard's Choose Your Own Adventure series. I shared them with friends and we had a grand time. 

I recall going through the motions and picking my path, but I was always unsettled - thinking there was a better path but I just wasn't seeing it. My friends and I would discuss the endings and what happened along the way. 

We had to back up our storyline selection by explaining our deductive logic and reasoning that led to the story we elected to follow. Sam and Jeff always seemed to have the coolest adventures... (I didn't really have friends that were girls back then). 

After a brief period of time, I found that I would re-read and then select the path that I thought was the coolest, before we met to discuss our adventures. I would then tell my friends that I naturally selected the most prestigious story of all the options. What a cheater!

In hindsight, I know now that there is no perfect story or perfect ending. The stories are all just endings that have equally neat things that happen all along the way. 

In fact, I've come to understand that the only thing perfect about each story is two-fold: 1) we get to choose and 2) experience the process. The ending isn't necessarily the main objective, rather just a type of result.

You see, the intrigue is that there's not a single story that is better than another. It's just not "our story" and our perception about watching it unfold can often be romanticized.

The entire point of choosing your own adventure, is to see what you do with the path you have taken. The neat thing about a real life 'choose your own adventure' is that you're not limited to a specific path or ending.

You can change your direction at any time. You literally can do this. It might take time, creativity, lots of energy and so on, but it is absolutely possible. If you don't like where you are - change it. If you don't like who you are - change you. Be relentless. Make it happen.

There is no ending to your story - not even at "the end". As you have taken your adventures, you have touched and influenced others along the way. The effect is exponential. 

No, your story never really ends. What your story really does is influence another person's adventure. So choose, do, serve, love, laugh, cry, and experience your life fully. 

The Results: Ragnar 2012

"Thank you!" to all those that had me and other Ragnar participants and volunteers in their heart, mind, and prayers. I know I received many blessings from this.

Thank you!

So how did the Wasatch Back Ragnar turn out? Our team raised well over seventeen thousand dollars for cancer research. We had some cancer survivor as well as cancer previvor runners join our team and they did just fabulous! Here's a glimpse at the side of our van, which was a dedication to who the six in our van were running for. Also, here is a quick video recap of the event happenings.

In my last blog entry I made a plea. I would like to let you know how the run turned out for me.

All of my anticipated running distances seemed to have been extended for some reason. For one reason or another the time of day in which I was running was delayed some as well. 

In short I ran 19.72 miles in a combined time of four hours, seven minutes. Depending on the run my elevation was between four thousand, seven hundred six and six thousand, seven hundred fourty-four feet; mostly moving up. 

The way I left it with those in my van was that in efforts to save my foot and be able to do all three runs I would take it slow. Come to find out, I couldn't have gone any faster if I had tried. The heat and combined total of maybe four hours of sleep in thirty-five hours kept me humble.

Leg Three - My distance ended up at 6.91 miles (run time 1:19:16). I started running around nine-forty in the morning. The heat was too much for me on this one. At about four miles my right ear started ringing, by five miles my arms were tingling, right eye hurting, left leg weakening, and there was a pinch at the nape of my neck that means a migraine is brewing. 

All of this meant finish quick or I'm in trouble. This is the run that made me realize I need to stop putting off buying a cooling vest, if I intend to continue running in temperatures above seventy degrees. Good thing was that my foot never hurt; this was a surprise. 

Wearing my cooling scarf and catching my breath.
Just finished Leg #3 - Hyrum to Paradise, UT.

Leg Fifteen - My distance ended up at 5.06 miles (run time 59:09). I started running around eight at night. Thank heavens for whatever delays made my start for this leg an hour later than scheduled. 

At seven o'clock, it was still too warm for me as I was still sensitive from the earlier run. This was a nice and very beautiful run. I had some nice conversations with myself, God, and my father-in-law Don. I learned a lot in this run. I love these silent conversations with good company.

In the middle of Leg #15, running through Morgan, UT.

Leg Twenty-seven  - My distance ended up at 7.75 miles (run time 1:41:34). I started running around eight-thirty in the morning. This run made me say a very bad word at the end. 

When I started this run, I had a little reserve and I was hoping that somewhere along the way I would find the strength to finish. I never did. I can honestly say that during the majority of this run I was carried by someone else and in between was raw nerve. 

I had nothing left. In facing this run I was mentally prepared to run a 1fifteen-minute mile or slower, but somehow I was at an average of twelve and a half to thirteen minutes. How? I do not know. 

About a mile after the picture below was taken I was yelling at Don, telling him that in last nights' run we had an agreement that he was going to push my rump up the darn hill. At that point I swear I could hear his little sinister chuckle and the words, "then get going". Then I just got angry. Don knew that would get me going; the little snot.

I used my arm to push (paddle) me forward. I leaned further into the hill to let gravity pull me up. I was so concentrated I never noticed that my van (that wasn't permitted to support me on this leg) was watching and cheering me on. 

I'm certain their cheers and thoughts were accepted as prayers to support me through this run. I know there were family and friends devoting energy and well wishes for me during this time. I received all of those blessings in this run as well as my first. 

Here too, all the ear ringing, nape of neck pinching, eye pain, arm tingling, leg weakening returned. By the time I crested the big hill I felt like someone else took over. Then came the downhill... 

It was a blur. I should have fallen. I couldn't feel much of anything in either leg than just pressure and tingling - not true, my right leg was still semi-present. I threw water over me again and kept going. I climbed the last hill and saw the exchange - which meant my finish line. 

I could see the runner (Stephanie) that I was to pass the wristband off to, I could see one of my teammates - as it turns out there were two. I yelled ahead for Stephanie to be ready because I wasn't stopping. 

I yelled again to my teammates Casey and Aaron, to be ready because once I stopped, I didn't know if my legs would be there. Snap! Stephanie was off on her last run. 

Plop! Casey and Aaron caught me. I couldn't feel much of anything from just above my knees down. Then I said a very bad word. Somehow, I made it. I wanted to cry. I don't even know if I did. Via help from Casey and Aaron, I got to the van. It also helped that some hot guy in a Tarzan outfit walked by; that was sure motivating.

Starting up the initial hill near Jordanelle Reservoir
for an overall 840 ft elevation gain.

Thank you to all who had me in their thoughts and prayers. You helped me finish. This medal belongs to you.

My biggest take home message from this run is that: 

Life is tough, but if we keep moving 

just one foot in front of the other (figuratively), 

even relying on others with each step, we will finish. 

And we'll finish with big rewards.

In Three Days and I'll Find Out

In three short days I will find out what it's like to be a person with Multiple Sclerosis running the Wasatch Back Ragnar (June 15 and 16). To read more about what this is and why the heck I am doing it, click here read and watch me talk about it in our team video.

At this point I'm making a plea to all who are willing. I need the prayers of whoever is willing to offer them. I should be running leg #3 (6.8miles) on Friday morning around 9:45am MST; leg #15 (4.9miles) on Friday night around 7pm MST; leg #27 (7.7miles) by about 6:30am MST on Saturday.

These are my concerns and my personal prayers:

• Please may my body be able to handle any heat that I may be in. 
• Please let the resting I've done be enough for my right foot. 
• Please let the never-ending lack of sensation in my left knee not be an issue, especially in the two big descents at the beginning and then the end of leg twenty-seven when I'm especially worn out.
• Please let there be a headwind as I descend the big hills in leg twenty-seven.
• Please let my mind be strong and focused.

I am so very thankful for the blessings I've been given to get to this point. It's not by talent. It's by making a decision, committing to the details and then submitting myself to God; who has given me so much. To Don, thank you for helping me find my courage without being afraid to act on it.

Truth Glows

Many have been surprised to learn that I have struggles beyond Multiple Sclerosis (MS), being a military wife and obesity. These are simply the most obvious tools in which I feel most comfortable in discussing challenges. 

It's because they are the most obvious challenges that they are the least damming of me to admit to, as well as to be the drawing board to say the things that I have to say.

There have been some very dark times in my life and I'm continually surprised when others comment on how things come so easy for me and that I have a "perfect life". 

Some have even said that they feel like I judge them for what they do - because I could never understand the circumstance(s) that they find themselves in. Or that they think I'm judgmental, because everything seemingly comes so easy to me (insert a lot of coughing and hysterical laughing here). Who's judging who?

The reality is that I simply really do care about people in general. I try not to pass judgment. If anything, I feel a great deal of empathy and sympathy. 

I wouldn't wish sadness, darkness, and loss of hope or motivation on anyone; I know because I've been there. 

I believe that one of our biggest challenges in this life, 
is to love ourselves unconditionally. 
To love ourselves the way that we are hoping 
to experience love from another before we die - yet, 
we don't even invest in ourselves this way. 

Why? 

I have an intense desire to reach out and shake as many people as possible - to let them know that they are worth everything and deserve happiness and joy. 

It's kind of like the poem I posted a while back called Imaginary Villain. We oftentimes create an idea of what we believe others think about us, when it couldn't be further from the truth. Dammit! Why do we do that?

I've found that when you actually believe you are of value, worth more than the bad ways people (or yourself) continually treat you, then your character simply radiates. 

This radiating joy and inner peace just glows. It is this that attracts those in search of light and hope. It is also this same glow that repels others who aren't ready for the hope, the belief... lasting change. 

Joy and happiness are a daily decision and the people that glow have decided; it's just that simple.

I've been enjoying http://www.futureme.org/ as a means to set up safe guards for myself. Maybe you want to try it out too. I do this because I know how easy it is for me to lose hope; to slide backwards. 

You see, I have a melancholy disposition. I need words of affirmation from myself in order to believe in myself. When we find our truth and embrace it, then it glows for all to see. 

In doing so, others can see that it's possible to attain. It is by this that others find the daring within themselves to try. To me, finding the daring within - to simply try, has come from several sources over the course of my life. I could never say "thank you" enough to those people.

It's been really interesting to know that during some of my darkest hours was when I was actually shining the most for others. People would point this out and I was internally floored, because life at those particular points was downright awful. Why was that? 

This drove me nuts to hear. It's akin to the days that you get a lot of compliments on your appearance, when that was the day you literally rolled out of bed with semi-greasy hair, neglected to brush your teeth and failed to even put on essential underclothes.  

I wonder if it was because during those times of my life, I was working my hardest to be honest; despite what I was facing. I was in survival mode. 

Only a few things really matter when you are in survival mode and it was during those times that I was being humble enough to speak the truth. I was speaking the truth not just to others, but to myself - because nothing else mattered but the truth. 

When the darkness eases up, I'm left barely breathing from the recovery, but still fighting to come out of the shadows. In times past, I've left the dark running full speed ahead, never looking back or learning from the situation. 

Then there have been times when I've left the dark, crawling on all fours and vowing to learn from what I had just came through. I've worked hard to apply what I had just learned from those experiences. I don't like re-learning. So I opt to crawl a lot of the time. 

I doubt myself constantly. I'm trying not to lie to myself anymore. It's a daily battle. But I must move forward and it is the forward motion that is key. 

This is where heroes are made. This is where you become the shining light in the darkness for someone else. Why? Because you are hanging on with all you've got left and others may be secretly hanging on to your coattails. 

They are desperately grasping on to anything that has light - in efforts to be saved. This is the action and face that movies are made of. 

Simply put, I believe that you glow during these times 
because something greater than yourself 

is sustaining you...
and that's the truth!

4 x 365 = Infinity

You should  know that I am not very good at math, but I am absolutely confident that 4 x 365 = Infinity. Here's how I figured it out.

For 365 days I tried my hardest to give each day all that I had in me. I experienced a multitude of emotions, highs and lows, but I went to bed most every night knowing that that day, I had given my all. 

I decided that I was done with excuses and I embraced the concept of the English proverb of "where there is a will, there is a way." I'm talking about from the will to get out of bed to the will to stand my ground in tough situations to the will to simply go for a walk. 

I packed my days with as much earnest effort as possible. On day 365 I realized that I like life this way, much better than my previous 12,045 days of life. 

So, I recommitted to another year of giving it all I've got. Here I am, near the close of 4 years of relentless effort to strive to give each day my best effort and I've found that I have gained an infinite amount of blessings and joy living my life this way. 

I have gained more from this effort than I could ever describe. I only wonder what would have been, if I had caught the vision sooner in life. 

I've no regrets, but I know that if I don't continue the relentlessness, then I will regret inaction. I like that "I can" plays a more noticeable role in my life than "I can't". 

What I'm really getting at here is that we all live far below our potential, simply because we fail to do the little things each day that are the building blocks to achieve big things. 

These big things are defined completely by you, they are not to be compared. Rather, these big things are custom made. The big things don't happen everyday though. 

As a matter of fact, my days are filled with little things, but once they build momentum they grow exponentially into something much larger and then, all of the sudden, I find another goal achieved. 

So here I am, coming to yet another Thanksgiving and I can't help but ponder this new equation and how much I am looking forward to continued growth. It's all about doing a little at a time with earnest effort.

I am so incredibly thankful for the mental strength and heart that my Heavenly Father has given me. 

So Thanksgiving Day starts another 365 days of success. I would love nothing more than for you to believe and join with me in your own custom made journey. 

Mirror Therapy

I've mentioned this term "Mirror Therapy" in a few of my posts before.  I would like to explain what the heck it is and why I do it.  

I'm not certain if this is something that someone else has already discovered or patented as a therapy method or not, but this I discovered on my own.  It has made all the difference.

First you must understand that I am a liar; primarily to myself.  I have decided that there are many things that I have told myself and have believed that simply aren't true.  

I have wanted to undo the damage that I thought others had done to me, but I have come to find out that it was mostly me that had done the damage.  

Sure others have affected me, but the bulk of the things I believed and told myself were self-perpetuated.  I didn't really get that until just a few years ago.

One day during a workout, I found that anger fueled the routine.  I was angry because I had received many compliments over the past few weeks and months about how good I looked.  

I encountered sheer amazement from others about the weight I had lost; some hadn't even recognized me.  I was so angry that others could see the changes, but I couldn't.  

I felt the changes, but couldn't honestly see them myself - so that's totally not healthy, right?  I was angry enough that I quit my workout and was about to leave my home gym.  

As I was headed to the door, I looked in the big mirror and saw a picture of Jesse Owens hanging behind me.  I have admired this picture since I was in Junior High School.  

Then I looked above the mirror and saw the stenciled script that Josh and I put above the mirror.  It says, "Believe In Yourself".  I then looked in the mirror and wondered if Jesse Owens ever doubted himself in preparation for the Olympics.  

The day before this I had just finished reading some material about Abraham Lincoln.  I learned about his personal struggles that ran concurrent with the amazing things that he accomplished as the President of the United States.  

There was a ton of things that raced through my head at that moment.  I simply couldn't leave the room yet.  I got on the inversion table, which is right by the mirror and felt compelled to look in the mirror as I was hanging upside down.

While hanging by my feet I looked in the mirror and told myself that I refused to leave that room until I could see something new and good about me. 

I found something interesting... I couldn't look myself in the eyes.  I was looking at me, but my eyes never met.  The experience of looking at my own eyes was like walking on thick ice, it was so slippery I couldn't make contact.

After quite some time of trying to make eye contact with myself, I gave up and looked elsewhere.  I eventually saw the contour of my jaw line.  

It wasn't puffy like I normally see when I look in the mirror.  I had a jaw line and it was defined!  Well that was new!  Recognizing this certainly counted as seeing something new and I promptly got off the inversion table and got the heck out of that uncomfortable situation. 

What's up with that? I was uncomfortable and it was just me!  I realized that was simply not right.  How much damage had I done?  As I was walking up stairs, I said aloud to myself, "Damn it, I'm worth more than that!"  

That announcement startled me.  It startled me that I said it, I believed it, and I was secretly hoping that Josh wasn't home and had heard me.

I contemplated that experience for several days.  I found myself compelled after each workout to get on the inversion table and commence looking into the mirror, until I could see something new and good about myself.  

I repeatedly rediscovered my jaw line and over time other features.  I discovered and rediscovered time and time again, but I couldn't make eye contact.  

How could this be?  I do my hair and make-up every day.  I am looking at myself!  Over time, I learned that I actually wasn't looking at myself, I was looking around, but not at me.  

It was nearly three months later that I was able to make eye contact for about thirty seconds.  It was then that I realized why it was so hard to do.  

I have lied to myself for so long and honestly disliked myself so much that I was afraid to make eye contact and actually see that I was the problem.  I was the liar.  

I was the one that had done so much damage, by telling myself things that simply weren't true.  It was after this experience that I committed to myself not to leave the gym until I had made eye contact with myself.  

I usually discovered or rediscovered something about myself long before I could make eye contact.  I learned that if I could just make eye contact, I could see if I had been lying to myself that day or not.  

I could fix the damage that had been done that day, by having a real heart-to-heart with myself once eye contact was made.  It is extremely difficult to lie to yourself, when you are HONESTLY seeing yourself.  

After a time I learned that my little therapy sessions were a two-part kind of deal.  There was the Physical Mirror Therapy (seeing the physical me as it is) and the Mental Mirror Therapy (seeing me for who I really am inside).  

Over time I had learned that I am no good to anyone else, until I am good and of value to myself.  

Can you make eye contact with yourself?  What do you see?  If you can and the effect is positive,  I am so proud of you!  I encourage you to see the good, the lovely, the truth again and again for all of your life.  

If you can't make eye contact, try until you can, so that you can undo the lies and breathe freely every day.  Get to know yourself, discover the beauty of who you really are.  

There's not a single soul on this earth, no matter what they have done, who doesn't deserve to see who they really are and then make the necessary changes to have their behavior match their inner beauty.  

This is one of the places where peace is found.  This is one of the places where we can find the strength and courage to make lasting changes.  I would encourage you to see and then believe.