"Wow! You..."

The other day I asked my friends on Facebook a question. A few answered and I have really been contemplating how I would even answer it. The question is:

If a younger version of you could see you today, 

how would he/she fill in the blank: "Wow! You..."

I think I have my answer. I say "think" because I want to toss it out and discount it, yet, the thought keeps coming back to me. So, it must be true.

I honestly mean this without conceit. This statement is hard fought for and continually challenged by daily body image issues and internal self-esteem battles. This is my response:

"Wow! You are beautiful, desirable, smart, lovable, and worth every effort. Most importantly, it is possible to love, accept, and respect yourself. Go girl!" 

IF

I have forced entertainment to numb the white noise of my brain. Loud music, movies, and sometimes both at the same time. 

A few different times, I've even had both music and movie going at the same time in order to occupy the rowdy part of my brain, in hopes that the distraction would permit me to focus on reading a book that I needed to understand.

There have been a small handful of times in my life where I was over-numb though. Gosh those are freaky and surreal moments. I was so numb that I was oblivious to everything happening around me.

There have also been times where I have been surprised that the world didn't stop in observance of how my life had just changed (good or bad): cars drove by, people were laughing, dogs were barking, there was a flurry of movement, people obnoxiously loud on their cell phones talking about nothing.

Some of the greatest moments of understanding though have been in the stillness of chaos. Picture a topspin toy moving so fast it appears as though the very center is perfectly still.

I suppose the reason I stay so busy and active is to search for the moment in chaos when clarity manifests; even a split second of calm and understanding has been worth it. I do this because in that very moment some of the most amazing understanding and healing occurs.

This kind of moment just happened to me three times in one day on September 17th:

1st Experience
I've been worn out and running on fumes. I've been struggling with comprehension and needing to study for some continuing education courses that I am taking. I have a crazy, busy, and HEALTHY fifteen month old son. 

I travelled to speak at an event I was invited to, it was at "the big I.F." as locals call it, otherwise known as Idaho Falls, ID. I arrived at my hotel, walked into my room and found a spectacular view as well as very pleasing accommodations. 

The Clarity Received: I literally stood and communed with God and myself. I found tremendous strength and healing in just a few minutes. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and a sense that all was well. 

Have you ever experienced a time wherein something happened relatively quickly, but during the moment it felt longer because so much happened in just a small amount of magical time?

The picture of view doesn't do it justice, but I took some pictures of the captivating scene from my hotel room. After a time I couldn't help but go for a run out on the trail shown in the picture.

The building in the picture is the Idaho Falls Temple
that belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

2nd Experience
I met a couple at the event this night. While speaking with them I learned that they had a stillborn child at the end of June and two weeks later the husband had a major exacerbation and diagnosed quickly with multiple sclerosis. 

They were overwhelmed, hurting, and terrified. The Clarity Received: In this moment I felt an overwhelming outpouring and feeling of compassion.

The right words came to me. I don't know what I said, but I knew it had been important and valuable to that couple. It felt good to see that they received a little bit of hope that night.

3rd Experience
The evening closed with perfect temperatures and another amazing view. I sat for the longest time drinking herbal tea in the September chill of God's embrace.

The Clarity Received: It was nice to have the white noise of life quite for a time. I was at total peace and calm. That was a beautiful day. 

Bravery

Turning pages, pausing to comprehend, writing to articulate in my own words, then comparing the figures with the text once more... Trying to absorb the information on how various muscles of the body are innervated. What the plexus does this do!?

It was at this time when a total stranger told me that I am brave. She said it because I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, and I was alone.

I was there to study and eat dinner because I hadn't been able to focus on my studies at home. So while husband and son were at home bonding, I studied at the library and then I relocated to study over dinner. 

Brave? What about this made me brave? Then I recalled a time in my life when there was no way that I would subject myself to being alone in public and eating dinner in a big booth.

Being alone in public, particularly while dining is a scary place to be for many people. When you feel this way about yourself, there is nothing more frightening than to be "publicly alone" - after all, if I believe no one wants to be around me, I must be a scary person and here I am alone with a very scary person. Agh!

But I'm not scary. The woman who commented to me that she could never do that, isn't scary. However, the perception that she is scary is incredibly real to her. 

Have you ever isolated yourself, hid yourself from public view because you were embarrassed of yourself? What if you say something silly? What will people think of you? For some people this is downright crippling.

I actually have many memories of ordering a large amount of take-out with the intention of eating it myself. At the time of pick-up for this food, I would ask for two packets of silverware, just to hide from a stranger that I would be eating the contents all by myself when I got home.

I ate to fill an emotional void inside of me. I ate a lot, in an attempt to not feel so alone.

The bravest thing I have ever done was to look at myself in the mirror and try to learn to love me. After doing that, sitting at a booth alone in a restaurant is not uncomfortable at all.

I am not a scary person. This woman who said I was brave, is not a scary person. We are beautiful people searching for a connection, meaning, and a purpose in life. 

We may not be picture perfect. We might have some social awkwardness and insecurity. 

It took practice to learn to like me. It took patience and tolerance to learn to love me.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one to have. God loves you as you are, why can't you? Why do we give up so quickly on ourselves? 

If you were incapacitated, it would just be you and your body - alone. Would you be kind to yourself in that state of mind and body? It is at times like this that I think of people like my Grandmother.

Grandma had a series of strokes. A beautiful, kind and caring woman. Left without words. Unable to care for herself. What did she think of? I sincerely hope she thought kind things about herself.

There were times I could see a flash of humor and a smirk come across her face. I love the idea that in that state she still found a way to laugh. Now that is bravery.

All of this reminds me of a Dustin Hoffman clip wherein speaking of his character Tootsie, Hoffman addressed how external beauty, as dictated by society, can affect our interest in getting to know a person.

Stepping away from what society says and accepting others regardless of their appearance and apparent awkwardness, especially in public is brave. Have you ever been the one accepted or rejected while in an awkward phase? Have you been the one to accept another?

Be brave - always.

How To Pee Your Pants and Still Be Sexy

Hello. I am thirty-something and in the last week I have peed my pants (and more) on more than one occasion. I stopped counting at three. It's literally been a non-stop issue for most of the week. There was one day  when it happened several times.

Why am I telling you this? Because I think there are more than a few people out there who might get something out of this post. Managing chronic disease is a humbling experience, and touches most every aspect of one's life.

When I say humbling, I mean downright frustrating, challenging, irritating, embarrassing, and all sorts of other "-ings" that shall not be uttered here. In all reality, my cognitive functions just aren't able to pull together what those other "-ings" are right now.

Despite all the "ings" the show must go on! I still have things to do, and a life to lead. I still have responsibilities, including the mountain of laundry that has been mysteriously growing without regard to my efforts in the matter.

In efforts to cope with my frustrations constructively. I got on the elliptical tonight to use my frustrated energy in a constructive way; as well as to just feel good. Exercise does that for me.

While on the elliptical I came to the realization that I have recently let a few things into my diet that I know don't work well for me. So... there are a few food items I am tossing out tomorrow morning, and a few unopened items I will be donating.

I have a newborn and a chronic disease. I am sleep deprived and I need to be more focused on taking extra special care of me. I am not superhuman - but super sexy, according to my husband (he's standing over me as I type and has forced me to add that last little bit).

What does taking extra special care of me translate into?

• personal daily devotionals,
• good diet,
• solid and consistent exercise,
• sleep,
• asking for help,
• laughing more than once a day,
• and of course, having clean underwear!

In working on taking extra special care of myself, as my body becomes acclimated to a new norm, I need to remember just how blessed I really am. Currently I feel most blessed to have access to a washing machine, dryer, lots of under clothing, and a crazy husband who says I'm super sexy - even as I write a blog post on messing my pants.

Father Dearest

I can't help myself. I have to go here...

I've long since learned that the only thing I have control over in this life is my response to events, decisions or other happenings. Because I only have control over my response, I've learned to rely on a power greater than my own. I am not perfect. I need all the help I can get. 

Throughout my life, I have often turned to my father for advice and comfort. I viewed him as a great and wise powerful person with tremendous love, self-control, wisdom, and as a great teacher. Dad generally had the perfect responses and reactions to a wide variety of situations. 

Then there were times in my life when my Dad wasn't present, be it physically or distracted by one of seven other kids in the house. I can't blame him really; that's a lot of kids! However, I always knew he was there or would be there when he was really needed.

There was one particular night I drove the eighty plus miles home from college while in a state of worry and fretting over so many things; a relationship I was in at the time, academics, personal issues, spirituality, finances, life direction, etcetera. I just didn't know what to do. 

My Dad was still awake at two in the morning. Just sitting in the living room reading his scriptures. Pondering over something that was keeping him awake. Later I found out he was worried about me and didn't know why. 

So this is the circumstance when I walked in to the house. I was just hoping I could slip in unnoticed and go down to my old room, where I could be in the comfort of "away-ness" from the environment I had just fled.

It's a blur as to how that conversation started or went, but what I do recall is my Dad saying that I can't always run. Sometimes I have to stand and face the issues. I am responsible and I have power over my reactions. I have power over my behavior. Now these aren't the words he used, but these are the words that I'm using to describe my take home message.

Dad was there at a critical time for me. The impact is still profound. However, like I said before, there have been many times when my Dad couldn't be there for me.

At this point in time, I would like to let you know that it was at a fairly young age that I learned about God, but it wasn't until much later in life that I really learned how to spiritually rely on this unseen presence.

On the night I drove home from college and spent several hours talking with my Dad, I was in a state of mind wherein I couldn't have heard God talking to me if He were yelling; so He frustrated my father into alertness and preparation for my benefit.

There have been other times when presence from the Divine has carried and taught me and I have been able to recognize it. Such was the case on a particularly dark day several years ago.

On this day the Holy Spirit whispered to my soul that I really don't have to carry a particular emotional burden if I don't want to. If I'm willing to surrender, I can let my Savior release me from the tethers of fear, the unknown - of agony.

My response to this Divine teaching moment was one of relief, because this time I could actually understand and comprehend what it meant to let go of the burden and release it to my Savior.

I'm of the mind that because I am so imperfect, I need to rely on the saving grace and comfort of my Savior more often. The more I realize that my responses are all I really can control, the more I realize just how blessed I am to not only have a "present" father here on earth, but also an ever-present father with me, no matter where I am.

Today, I feel that comfort so sincerely that I couldn't help but share it in this manner. The magnitude of my thankfulness is beyond description.

Despite your individual circumstances, please know that all, even you, are indeed entitled to the loving kindness of Our Father in heaven.

Reality Check

About this time of year I do a lot of reflection. It first started several years ago with the idea that "holy crap annual reviews at work are here!" 

Then that morphed into a one-on-one with myself. A Spring Cleaning reality check of sorts...you know - how am I doing, so that I can be the best I need me to be, in order to be the best influence I can be to my family, friends, co-workers, employer - whatever the case may be. 

In short, I've learned that I can't possibly be the best person all those people need me to be, if I can't even be the person who I need me to be.

With this in mind, I thought I would pass along these two references. Each have helped me out a great deal in different ways (please click the links below and enjoy the words and thoughts of a couple really smart people). 

I also listen to Life Strategies by Dr. Phil about this time every year too.

"Becoming a Person of Influence" (by the way this entire book is good and worth the read).
"The Slight Edge" (summary)

Truth Glows

Many have been surprised to learn that I have struggles beyond Multiple Sclerosis (MS), being a military wife and obesity. These are simply the most obvious tools in which I feel most comfortable in discussing challenges. 

It's because they are the most obvious challenges that they are the least damming of me to admit to, as well as to be the drawing board to say the things that I have to say.

There have been some very dark times in my life and I'm continually surprised when others comment on how things come so easy for me and that I have a "perfect life". 

Some have even said that they feel like I judge them for what they do - because I could never understand the circumstance(s) that they find themselves in. Or that they think I'm judgmental, because everything seemingly comes so easy to me (insert a lot of coughing and hysterical laughing here). Who's judging who?

The reality is that I simply really do care about people in general. I try not to pass judgment. If anything, I feel a great deal of empathy and sympathy. 

I wouldn't wish sadness, darkness, and loss of hope or motivation on anyone; I know because I've been there. 

I believe that one of our biggest challenges in this life, 
is to love ourselves unconditionally. 
To love ourselves the way that we are hoping 
to experience love from another before we die - yet, 
we don't even invest in ourselves this way. 

Why? 

I have an intense desire to reach out and shake as many people as possible - to let them know that they are worth everything and deserve happiness and joy. 

It's kind of like the poem I posted a while back called Imaginary Villain. We oftentimes create an idea of what we believe others think about us, when it couldn't be further from the truth. Dammit! Why do we do that?

I've found that when you actually believe you are of value, worth more than the bad ways people (or yourself) continually treat you, then your character simply radiates. 

This radiating joy and inner peace just glows. It is this that attracts those in search of light and hope. It is also this same glow that repels others who aren't ready for the hope, the belief... lasting change. 

Joy and happiness are a daily decision and the people that glow have decided; it's just that simple.

I've been enjoying http://www.futureme.org/ as a means to set up safe guards for myself. Maybe you want to try it out too. I do this because I know how easy it is for me to lose hope; to slide backwards. 

You see, I have a melancholy disposition. I need words of affirmation from myself in order to believe in myself. When we find our truth and embrace it, then it glows for all to see. 

In doing so, others can see that it's possible to attain. It is by this that others find the daring within themselves to try. To me, finding the daring within - to simply try, has come from several sources over the course of my life. I could never say "thank you" enough to those people.

It's been really interesting to know that during some of my darkest hours was when I was actually shining the most for others. People would point this out and I was internally floored, because life at those particular points was downright awful. Why was that? 

This drove me nuts to hear. It's akin to the days that you get a lot of compliments on your appearance, when that was the day you literally rolled out of bed with semi-greasy hair, neglected to brush your teeth and failed to even put on essential underclothes.  

I wonder if it was because during those times of my life, I was working my hardest to be honest; despite what I was facing. I was in survival mode. 

Only a few things really matter when you are in survival mode and it was during those times that I was being humble enough to speak the truth. I was speaking the truth not just to others, but to myself - because nothing else mattered but the truth. 

When the darkness eases up, I'm left barely breathing from the recovery, but still fighting to come out of the shadows. In times past, I've left the dark running full speed ahead, never looking back or learning from the situation. 

Then there have been times when I've left the dark, crawling on all fours and vowing to learn from what I had just came through. I've worked hard to apply what I had just learned from those experiences. I don't like re-learning. So I opt to crawl a lot of the time. 

I doubt myself constantly. I'm trying not to lie to myself anymore. It's a daily battle. But I must move forward and it is the forward motion that is key. 

This is where heroes are made. This is where you become the shining light in the darkness for someone else. Why? Because you are hanging on with all you've got left and others may be secretly hanging on to your coattails. 

They are desperately grasping on to anything that has light - in efforts to be saved. This is the action and face that movies are made of. 

Simply put, I believe that you glow during these times 
because something greater than yourself 

is sustaining you...
and that's the truth!

Abiding Love

Thursday was our 10th wedding anniversary! We stayed at a bed and breakfast east of Ogden, Utah that we've wanted to stay at for quite some time. 

So we stayed there, had a nice dinner, then went hiking the next day in Adams Canyon. Life has been pretty interesting for us the last little while and we both needed to get away.

No one said that married life is easy and we have worked hard to get to ten years. Life has had its own twists and turns for us, but at dinner last night I caught a glimpse of something that humbled me.

We went to a really nice restaurant in the canyon and were seated in an area where there were only us and an elderly couple a table away. 

During dinner, it was obvious that something was wrong with the woman and the table was very silent. At one point the lady tried to drink her iced tea and it spilled down her shirt. 

Her husband very soothingly patted her hand and said "it's okay, don't worry about it." Not long after that, the waitress brought out some dessert for the couple. 

There were lit candles and the waitress proceeded to wish them a happy 5fifty-sixth wedding anniversary. The elderly women looked surprised and looked to the man to confirm, he nodded his head that it was true and gestured to the candle for her to blow it out. 

That was quite an ordeal for her to do, but it got done - with help. Not long after that they left the table, which took quite some effort. 

Her husband was so kind and patient and he obviously was in love and in no hurry. He clearly was just trying to make this a nice night for his wife. 

It took ten minutes for them to get to their car. As I watched them, I felt myself get a little teary-eyed as it hit me that this is what love is all about... I'm not even sure I can articulate it...

This couple was gentle with each other, holding hands, looking lovingly into each others' eyes... I'm certain that life together hasn't been one hundred percent pleasant, but they most certainly loved each other. 

This woman possibly suffered a stroke at some point or maybe was dealing with Alzheimer's as well. Though she was old, sagging, belched at dinner, drooled half her drink onto her shirt and her husband had to feed her quite a bit, she was beautiful to him and everything about him showed that's what he felt.

Things don't always work out perfectly or to plan. Many times life is more difficult than it is easy. 

We make mistakes, we argue, we get frustrated, and for what? For the opportunity to love and be loved unconditionally. I'm sure it took years, effort beyond imagination, and patience galore for this elderly couple to get to the level of love that I witnessed. 

I almost felt like an intruder simply being present for their moment. I'm thankful I was able to witness it though. I feel indebted to these strangers for this lesson I learned. 

Now the burden is mine to make sure I do everything possible to love my spouse, so that one day when we drool, forget things, sag and lose control of bodily functions, the other will be there to lovingly pat the others hand and say, "it's okay, don't worry about it" and then look at each other with a deep, abiding love.