Thursday, October 24, 2013


I've been thinking about suicide. Not personally, but in relation to someone dear to me. I've been thinking about hard times and the reason why thoughts of suicide are entertained.

This is a tough topic and one many people don't like to address, but it needs to be! If you are in need of help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline now!

I can honestly say that at one point, for a small period, I have actually contemplated suicide as an option for myself. I can also say I found my way out of thinking it was a viable option and I will share why in this post. 

This is hard for me to share. I feel as though I need to though. I do not know the reason, but here it goes.

Facing catastrophic situations, depression, failing health, addictions, poor life choices, failing relationships, bullying, and much more... 
whatever the reason may be for your contemplating suicide, I promise you that your life is worth living.

I recall the day I understood the fact that I was a divinely created with an enormous amount of potential. I deserved to live, as well as to thrive. 
God needed me to live. 
I have a purpose. 
So do you!

I understood this truth during the precise moment that I had a choice to either act on my suicide plan or to abandon it.

I understood it, not as an excuse to abandon the plan to end my life, rather, it was the precise reason for why I created the plan to suicide in the first place. Let me try to explain.

I didn't believe I was of value to the lives of those I loved most dear. I believed that I was insignificant, replaceable, incapable, stupid, and undesirable. 

I believed that so many people would be much better off if I were no longer in the picture. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to continue to live the way I was living. I couldn't see a way out of being an insignificant, stupid, and unwanted person. 

No one should ever believe the lie that their life doesn't matter... 
not even those that have lived a life of crime, hurt others, or made big mistakes. Even those people have loved and been loved. 

Even those people have a divine potential waiting to be uncovered. Even those people will be missed by someone. Even they were created in God's image and for a reason. Even they deserve to find peace from the torment they have had in this life.

Now thinking of this person that I love so dearly, mentioned at the start of this blog entry. He is not a criminal. He is a young man that has so much more life to be lived ahead of him. His heart is so pure and innocent in many ways. My life is definitely better with him in it.

My heart aches for him to see the amazing person that he is. My heart yearns for his release from the pain that he is literally putting himself through. 

He can have release from the pain, without killing himself. It is possible! I wish, hope, and pray for the day that he sees himself as God sees him. 

You are worth every effort to fight the evil voice that tells you that you aren't worth it. You are worth so much! 

Rest easy in prayer tonight, dear boy. Jesus loves you, so do I, and so many others around you. You are amazing. 

If you are in need of help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline now! 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Going With The Flow

Have you ever been in a circumstance where you could clearly see that "the moment" would be a source of real change? You know where recognition of something becomes the point of no return?

I've hit that tipping point a few times. My favorite is when I tried to run from a relationship because I was scared. 

Instead of breaking up (like I had intended), he asked me to marry him. Without thought or reservation I said "yes!" In that moment I realized I meant it. It has been an adventurous twelve years for sure; a good adventure!

What about other times? This point of no return moment has happened with job changes, death, education pursuits, starting a family, building relationships, leaving relationships, and so on.

What about those times when you recognize change is happening, but you just don't know what it is. You know that weird time where things in general have gone from comfortable to awkward?

I feel awkward. I feel definitive pulls to go this way, to do that thing, focus here, put effort there. I also feel real obstacles every step of the way. It's like I am in a game of chess, without being privy to or having a total vantage point of the board. I also realize that I'm not supposed to either.

It is like I have a blindfold on and being subjected to a test of some sort. So what do you do in these moments? 

I have no idea. But I do know what I am going to do about it.

I've decided to live life anyway. I am doing well. I am making good decisions that are appropriate for what is in front of me. Why should a looming, unknown outcome change my course?

The natural ebb and flux of life, mixed with a little unknown nudging will put me just right where I need to be... right? So, I live. I take care of obligations. I stick with commitments. All while feeling a little uneasy. And so it goes... 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Growing up!

Come to find out, the process of "growing up" doesn't end at any specific age. 

In the last nearly 16 months as a mother, I have learned many valuable lessons. I am absolutely certain that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface for this education. I would like to share just a few things that have really made a mark on me internally.

Disclaimer: I am so not perfect, nor do I strive to be. I try not to compare and so in sharing this I would hope that you don't compare either. This is just sharing and learning from a person who still has so much more to learn.

1. I am glad that I have a boy. I never really was a little "girl" so I don't know how to relate in that way. I am still a tomboy at heart for sure.

2. The only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that I know nothing.

3. I have discovered that I am not a very patient person. I'm definitely getting a crash course on this and I am improving, it just isn't a comfortable learning process. But definitely rewarding.

4. Memories of my own childhood have emerged and become clearer as I have watched my son grow and learn.

5. I've learned very quickly what is really important to me and what isn't:
Important                           Not Important
Exercise                                Clean house
Clean Teeth                          Clean laundry 
Time in the bathroom           To hurry
Sleep                                     Make-up
Diaphragmatic breathing      Apps
Hugs                                      Television
Clean laundry
Nutritious food
Play time

What are some similar things that you have learned as a parent, while YOU have been growing up? Please share.