Foggy Places and Rainy Days

I have vivid memories of a particularly dense fog that loomed over the Salt Lake Valley sometime during 1985.

The fog seemed the most thick while walking to school in the early morning hours. I had to walk to school with my younger sister Rebecca. Our school at that time was a mile away from home.

Rebecca was scared and walked very slow. I was annoyed and frustrated at first. The next day I realized that her fear was very real to her and she wasn't just making it up to bother me.

She was terrified that her field of vision was so limited. Rebecca was afraid that something truly dangerous was lurking in the fog and it was coming out to get her.

When it rained she was noticeably happier and energetic. When the fog again returned it felt almost as though the fog had also settled inside Rebecca and not just around her.

The fog was so persistent that eventually Rebecca became acclimated to it and it seemed to no longer affect her so severely. She was different though.

It wasn't long after that time that a different hazard surrounded Rebecca; now she was in a difficult and more brutal long-term fog. She would have to fight for her life for many years. 

Sometimes she was leery and cautious of the figurative impact of the dirt in the air around her, "the fog"; other times she was willfully oblivious of it. 

I am now speaking of the negative influence of filthy neighborhood kids, other bad influences, curiosity, molestation, and eventually drugs and alcohol.

The grotesque fog that settled on Rebecca lingered for the next twenty years. For many of those years I was frustrated with her, not fully understanding the dangers that had crept into her life from that same nasty foggy mess that seemed to constantly be her around.

Then I understood the fears, her reactions, and the way she handled the traumas in her life. It was all very warranted, very real, very scary, and her various responses were just as unique as she was.

I loved her, I had many great times and created fantastic memories with her. I also have hated her and not wanted to be around her.

I have laughed with her, I have cried with her, I have learned from her, and I have admired her. I have prayed for her, I have picked her up when she was down. I have been down and been buoyed up by her energy and creativity many times.

I miss sleepovers, late night Phase 10 tournaments, licorice-straws in soda, and cutting out pictures of our favorite famous people from magazines. I desperately miss sharing music and making up songs at the piano together.

I hate the fog that is created by others. It scares me now. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I want to feel. The only way I've been able to navigate it emotionally, has been to pray fervently and to constantly seek out good things.

I believe in a Supreme Being, a Father in Heaven, and I believe that this Being can indeed literally pull the fog out of us, if we let him. Trusting and submitting to the Supreme is like experiencing a good rain; clearing up bad air.

Fog, otherwise known as the darkness created by poor choices by us and others must be allowed to exist, so long as there is agency. The power to choose is ours and those choices certainly can affect others around us.

But this filth that gets kicked up and carried around in the air does not have to exist inside of me if I don't permit it to. I have that choice.

Rebecca made such amazing and tremendous improvements the last several years; especially 2012 until her passing this last May. 

At age 35, Rebecca suddenly passed away. Her body had been through enough and it had rejected the medications used to help her function... her body just simply stopped working. 

Her death was a merciful thing, I think. Rather than living in extreme pain and somehow making it through, she is now free from her pains. 

Her passing came at a high point in her life. What better time to go, right? Her fog has certainly lifted.

I can't help but feel happy for her. Though I miss her, I also feel that she is truly at peace. She deserves that. 

In some way, I sort of feel like she is the one now that is leading me  safely through the fog that comes and goes throughout life. 

I believe that she has joined a team of cheerleaders that surround me. They keep me from allowing any particular dirtiness from creating a fog that's too dense for me to navigate through.

I admire the vantage point and understanding that the dead must have on the living. 

I believe that when it is my turn to return to my Father in Heaven that created me, that I will be greeted by my cheerleaders; Rebecca, certainly first among them... knowing her, she wouldn't permit it any other way.

Writing this feels really good. It has been a healing reflection.

"Wow! You..."

The other day I asked my friends on Facebook a question. A few answered and I have really been contemplating how I would even answer it. The question is:

If a younger version of you could see you today, 

how would he/she fill in the blank: "Wow! You..."

I think I have my answer. I say "think" because I want to toss it out and discount it, yet, the thought keeps coming back to me. So, it must be true.

I honestly mean this without conceit. This statement is hard fought for and continually challenged by daily body image issues and internal self-esteem battles. This is my response:

"Wow! You are beautiful, desirable, smart, lovable, and worth every effort. Most importantly, it is possible to love, accept, and respect yourself. Go girl!" 

A Crushed Heart Can Lead to Triumph

This is the moment. Just as imagined and hoped for. So much preparation has gone into getting to this exact point. Can a heart really pound this intensely without bursting? It's time to shine and overcome what you once thought was impossible. 

This is the description of a moment we have all experienced at some point. The nervousness, excitement, hope, and simultaneous dread; hoping all things go as dreamed, as imagined.

This is Sweet-pea's story. Sweet-pea is the fictitious name of a real person - my friend. 

Using my skills as a personal trainer, I volunteer at a center for developmentally delayed adults. This is where Sweet-pea and I met. 

The need for personal training with this special needs population is so high and often over-looked because it's not glamorous personal training. However, from my perspective, this is one of the populations that need it most. 

How would you feel bound to mobility aides, immobilizing braces, and straps? For a brief time at this center, about 20 of the patrons receive continued and personalized training throughout the week. A grant and volunteers makes this possible. Sweet-pea is one of the 20 who receive these benefits.

Sweet-pea is in her late 40's to early 50's and uses a wheelchair. She can't talk, but she gestures and nods "yes" and "no". Sweet-pea is strong-willed and as independent as she can be. She loves to tease and has a natural "Oh ya? Just watch me attitude." 

Sweet-pea's neck leans excessively forward (practically touching her clavicle) due to postural and upper body weakness. As directed by a physical therapist, we've been working with her to walk with the aid of a walker as we follow behind her with a wheel-chair to catch her (just in case). This week the goal was big and Sweet-pea was eager for it.

Sweet-pea was going to walk about 80-feet with only three rest stops. She was ready. She could see it and taste the victory. She was particular about a friend watching.  She was also specific that no one should get in her way as she walked the hall from point A to point B and back. She was nervous, but oh so ready for the challenge. So she began her walk.

For some reason there was an suddenly an unusual amount of hallway traffic and after 15 or so feet she gave up in anger and her heart was obviously crushed. Everyone was in the way. This was her time and the obstacles were too great. Crying and bitter she stopped.

Angry and yelling she wheeled herself away, crying and hurting she tried to hide. Sweet-pea's dreams, hope, and hard work seem to be for nothing from her perspective. My heart broke watching this breakdown. She was expressing herself the only way she could as language wasn't even hers to own.

I don't know how, but by some miracle me and her friend were able to talk her into coming back in to the gym room to finish a light workout. We were also able to reschedule "the great walk" for the next day during what we hoped would be a less busy hallway traffic time.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to be there for her the next day. I prayed for her and she was heavy on my mind all night.  I know the need to accomplish a goal like that. This was big and she was ready, but the circumstance was against her.

I was pleased to hear the next day that not only were the conditions just right for her, but she did "the great walk" and with only one rest stop! Though I wasn't there for it, I could see it in my mind's eye. 

Instead of her arm flailing in anger to motion people away and screaming in anger, I could see her arm triumphantly motioning the joy of success. I could hear her scream have the energy of an Olympic gold winning, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I could even feel the joy and relief from the other trainers and aids as her goal was met this time.

And with the previous nervousness, excitement, hope, and simultaneous dread; hoping all things go as dreamed, as imagined. There is now an equal sense of relief, accomplishment, satisfaction, and humility. This is just my feeling about Sweet-pea s adventure. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling. Go girl!

Suicide?

I've been thinking about suicide. Not personally, but in relation to someone dear to me. I've been thinking about hard times and the reason why thoughts of suicide are entertained.

This is a tough topic and one many people don't like to address, but it needs to be! If you are in need of help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline now!

I can honestly say that at one point, for a small period, I have actually contemplated suicide as an option for myself. I can also say I found my way out of thinking it was a viable option and I will share why in this post. 

This is hard for me to share. I feel as though I need to though. I do not know the reason, but here it goes.

Facing catastrophic situations, depression, failing health, addictions, poor life choices, failing relationships, bullying, and much more... 

whatever the reason may be for your contemplating suicide, I promise you that your life is worth living.

I recall the day I understood the fact that I was a divinely created with an enormous amount of potential. I deserved to live, as well as to thrive. 

God needed me to live. 

I have a purpose. 

So do you!

I understood this truth during the precise moment that I had a choice to either act on my suicide plan or to abandon it.

I understood it, not as an excuse to abandon the plan to end my life, rather, it was the precise reason for why I created the plan to suicide in the first place. Let me try to explain.

I didn't believe I was of value to the lives of those I loved most dear. I believed that I was insignificant, replaceable, incapable, stupid, and undesirable. 

I believed that so many people would be much better off if I were no longer in the picture. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to continue to live the way I was living. I couldn't see a way out of being an insignificant, stupid, and unwanted person. 

No one should ever believe the lie that their life doesn't matter... 

not even those that have lived a life of crime, hurt others, or made big mistakes. Even those people have loved and been loved. 

Even those people have a divine potential waiting to be uncovered. Even those people will be missed by someone. Even they were created in God's image and for a reason. Even they deserve to find peace from the torment they have had in this life.

Now thinking of this person that I love so dearly, mentioned at the start of this blog entry. He is not a criminal. He is a young man that has so much more life to be lived ahead of him. His heart is so pure and innocent in many ways. My life is definitely better with him in it.

My heart aches for him to see the amazing person that he is. My heart yearns for his release from the pain that he is literally putting himself through. 

He can have release from the pain, without killing himself. It is possible! I wish, hope, and pray for the day that he sees himself as God sees him. 

You are worth every effort to fight the evil voice that tells you that you aren't worth it. You are worth so much! 

Rest easy in prayer tonight, dear boy. Jesus loves you, so do I, and so many others around you. You are amazing. 

If you are in need of help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline now! 

IF

I have forced entertainment to numb the white noise of my brain. Loud music, movies, and sometimes both at the same time. 

A few different times, I've even had both music and movie going at the same time in order to occupy the rowdy part of my brain, in hopes that the distraction would permit me to focus on reading a book that I needed to understand.

There have been a small handful of times in my life where I was over-numb though. Gosh those are freaky and surreal moments. I was so numb that I was oblivious to everything happening around me.

There have also been times where I have been surprised that the world didn't stop in observance of how my life had just changed (good or bad): cars drove by, people were laughing, dogs were barking, there was a flurry of movement, people obnoxiously loud on their cell phones talking about nothing.

Some of the greatest moments of understanding though have been in the stillness of chaos. Picture a topspin toy moving so fast it appears as though the very center is perfectly still.

I suppose the reason I stay so busy and active is to search for the moment in chaos when clarity manifests; even a split second of calm and understanding has been worth it. I do this because in that very moment some of the most amazing understanding and healing occurs.

This kind of moment just happened to me three times in one day on September 17th:

1st Experience
I've been worn out and running on fumes. I've been struggling with comprehension and needing to study for some continuing education courses that I am taking. I have a crazy, busy, and HEALTHY fifteen month old son. 

I travelled to speak at an event I was invited to, it was at "the big I.F." as locals call it, otherwise known as Idaho Falls, ID. I arrived at my hotel, walked into my room and found a spectacular view as well as very pleasing accommodations. 

The Clarity Received: I literally stood and communed with God and myself. I found tremendous strength and healing in just a few minutes. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and a sense that all was well. 

Have you ever experienced a time wherein something happened relatively quickly, but during the moment it felt longer because so much happened in just a small amount of magical time?

The picture of view doesn't do it justice, but I took some pictures of the captivating scene from my hotel room. After a time I couldn't help but go for a run out on the trail shown in the picture.

The building in the picture is the Idaho Falls Temple
that belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

2nd Experience
I met a couple at the event this night. While speaking with them I learned that they had a stillborn child at the end of June and two weeks later the husband had a major exacerbation and diagnosed quickly with multiple sclerosis. 

They were overwhelmed, hurting, and terrified. The Clarity Received: In this moment I felt an overwhelming outpouring and feeling of compassion.

The right words came to me. I don't know what I said, but I knew it had been important and valuable to that couple. It felt good to see that they received a little bit of hope that night.

3rd Experience
The evening closed with perfect temperatures and another amazing view. I sat for the longest time drinking herbal tea in the September chill of God's embrace.

The Clarity Received: It was nice to have the white noise of life quite for a time. I was at total peace and calm. That was a beautiful day. 

Poetry Corner: Visitation Rites

Visitation Rites

A July chill holds me as if I were a child in need and I relent,

embracing the moment customized to heal me

Ah, the gentleness moistens my eyes,

giving the sensation,

but not the appearance,

of having had a good cry

captivated by a good kind of somber

stilled by a raw, but Divine intimacy

I pray… hoping the moment will be granted an extension

I need more –   

I can easily surrender right now

A presence in the air around me soothes my aching,

I wonder who has come.

There is a familiarity… who has brought this peace

so desperately needed?

Gently unraveling the bonds of self-expectation,

responsibilities of life,

I feel as if I’m standing naked

out in the open

and I’ve been granted the privilege 
of everyone being unable to see me.

The bustling continues and my peaceful surrender remains 
fully exposed

I’m safe here

In this moment.

Just as quickly as it came,

I become aware that it cannot last – Dammit!

Emotionally digging in my heals, I plead once more for an extension.

With a final breeze and familiar touch in the wind

I am soothed with a bittersweet embrace

~ this moment was a gift ~

a visitation to grant the courage needed

to keep moving forward

the road is mine to travel

this path is familiar to them though –

they know my heart

and the familiarity beckoned their desire 
to love me more tangibly

ah, I know who this is now…

I’m doing just fine, huh?

Well, you would know.

By Diana M. Bateman

2013©

Living in Faith and Courage

Someone asked me recently, "what made it possible to change from living in fear to living in faith and courage?" This is an extremely good question.

When I was living in fear, I was allowing myself to be ruled by self doubt, which was fueled by false perceptions. These false perceptions were not limited to just myself, but the world, as well as my role within it. I had truly believed that I was insignificant and easily discarded. Please note the past tense tone of that last statement.

Because I felt that I was insignificant and easily discarded, I feared that my entire existence didn't matter. I believed that I was one hundred percent replaceable in every way. Fear was a natural result. This childhood fear definitely lingered well into my adult years.

I would come in and out of this phase and thinking periodically, but it was never a lasting feeling. With such strong limiting beliefs, how on earth could I matter in the grand scheme of things? In what possible way could I bring any value to the world at all?

Then there was a series of events that completely upended this fear-based line of thinking. 

SITUATION: I had a talk with God one day and I asked, if I was so replaceable and insignificant, then why am I here? I believed God to be a kind and a loving God, but if I was here on earth without a purpose or any meaning, then that was just simply cruel.

RESULT: God found a way to let me know that I was of value, but more importantly I believed it. Here's how He did it.

The way in which I learned that I was of value and significance was during the time I was watching my father-in-law slowly die. God spoke to me in my heart during this time. I am not sure that I can describe it, but it was powerful and undeniable. Here were some of the thoughts I was having.

My father-in-law was prone to melancholy and depressive thoughts, yet he had impacted so many lives for good - more than he had impacted them in negative ways. I then thought about others that had "impact" and "value" in the world both on a grand scale as well as in my own personal life. 

Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, and Oprah Winfrey are truly great people - but with some pretty big issues and faults. But they persevered and continued forward to the best of their ability. They persistently and consistently worked hard to live good lives. Their best efforts changed lives for the better.

On a personal note and as further proof, there's Mrs. Wasden who was my fourth grade teacher. Because of her example I learned to love reading and writing. She is a good woman, with a beautiful light to share with the world. 

All Mrs. Wasden cared about was God, her family, her students... ginger snaps and root beer flavored hardtack candy. Yet, when in her presence, you were made to feel as though you were the top priority - even in a crowded room.

As I reflected on these experiences, they became a serious ongoing boost to my faith. If my imperfect melancholy father-in-law, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Oprah Winfrey, and Mrs. Wasden can impact even one person to change their life for the better, well then...that was a life well spent.

When you have faith-uplifting experiences like this, it creates an energy and courage within. When this happens, the world seems to change right in front of your eyes.


SITUATION: Because of the increase in faith and courage, I felt more daring to try things, to be more involved, and more than that - to believe that my contribution to a variety of events in life actually mattered. 

RESULT: All the sudden I felt a surge of energy, an almost "unleashing" and urgency to live life fully. Why? Because someone out there needed me. Someone out there could have their life changed for the better, just because I had the words and maybe even the actions at the right time to be the linchpin to their unleashing. 

Wham! Bam! All of the sudden I can see that I am in no way insignificant. Of course I matter! Of course I have value! Now that I understand this, how could I have fear? How could I not have courage? 

It was at this time that I first heard Gandhi's quote, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." He said it so simply. It was as if it could happen, just like that. Just all the sudden, "be the change."

I've since discovered that it is possible to all of the sudden just "be the change." Your habitual doubts and historical behavior are an ongoing obstacle, but it is possible to change them as you create new habits. It requires practice, but it is possible.

Last 3min

I've no idea why I've been so reflective lately. Maybe it's because I feel so thankful in many areas of my life that it's almost overwhelming.

I was listening to a random talk while driving in my car, I don't recall who the speaker was. The take home message I got was this:

If I only had three minutes left to live, 

what would my parting words be?

I was relieved to have the answer instantly come to me, there was no real deliberation. In fact, I was so relieved I had no doubts in my response that I want to say those things now. Why wait?

Minute 1: God lives. Jesus Christ is the way. No relationship or devoted effort is more important than this one.

Minute 2: I love my husband and I am so thankful for the courage his presence brings to my life, his caring heart and companionship are priceless. I'm thrilled beyond to have my son; he is an absolute treasure. Dad and Mom, thank you for the amazing examples of true love and charity that you have been - always.

Minute 3: Everyone else, dig deep and LIVE this life with all that you have. Give, love, serve, do the hard things, be honest, and inspire goodness.

I Said the C-Word

Holy crud this is tough! Commitment! It sounds so easy and it's really easy to say it, too. "I'm committed."  This used to be my favorite lie. I now know what it really means to be committed, and I do not say that lightly. 

There's no way I'm going back, either. I know my "why" and I know what it takes. I'm committed to it now. I've won over  (insert weakness here). It is now a non-issue.

I get really concerned when I hear people say these things. I get concerned because they've already tossed out the reality that they are human. Because you are human, you have the potential to err. 

Never underestimate the human ability to be utterly oblivious or in complete denial. There is justification for all things, right? This doesn't mean that you should avoid trying to commit to something, someone, or to change in general. 

The burden to correct behavior is ever more present, especially when you have identified your weaknesses. If you are going to be committed to something, try being committed to being "aware", rather than permitting yourself to flirt with whatever is tantalizing to you.

The reality is, if  there was a problem once, you will most likely be tempted by it again. There's one thing I never doubt, and that's my potential to let pride and weakness creep up on me. Next thing you know commitment waivers. This is where the adage, "old habits die hard" has teeth. 

To me, commitment is to stay as far away from it as possible, as well as to try and stay as close as I can to something positive. In order to do so, I have to strip the habits that usually precede the frequent error. 

I have to change or just understand my perception of what it does for me. I also have to foster progression with whatever or whoever I should stay close to.

Staying away from something isn't always considered avoidance. Sometimes it's actually a very wise thing to do. If you know it's a problem, there's no avoiding that acknowledgement. Understanding that you can't be trusted around that thing is key to learning to live as well as to move beyond it.

What is "it" might you ask? Anything qualifies here, so long as it's a problem where self-control goes out the window. You don't need me to list anything here. 

That thing that's been on your mind during this entire blog entry or the one that just popped in your mind a moment ago; yep, those are what need to be worked on most. Those are "it".

When you are aware, commitment naturally tries to follow. Shoot for awareness and being present; see if a few appetites can't be curbed. 

For me, I've found awareness in asking myself "why?" Why do I want it? What just happened to make my commitment waiver? What's my payoff? Who do I hurt?

I'm tired of being trapped by my actions, or in some cases, inaction. What about you?

Where's Your Focus?

Have you ever felt like you've made something happen just by focusing on it? Be it negative or positive, you have been dwelling on a particular thought and as it unfolds the resulting sentiments were something like:

"I knew it!"

"I could just feel it coming."

"I just knew this would happen."

"I had this nagging sense that..."

"I knew I could do it."

The mind truly has power. Where is your focus? 

Think of shows like: 24, MacGyver, Alias, A-Team, Batman and the like. It's always forces of good, fighting against forces of evil. Good generally wins by narrow margins. 

It's a tough fight. But why do the good guys generally come out on top? The bad guys have pretty specific focus, goals and aims. They are determined bad guys. 

However, when their life is on the line they will throw their arms up, beg, or squeal on another bad guy in order to cut a deal. To what end? To save their hides!

When the life of the good guy is on the line however, they are willing to sacrifice their life at all costs. What's the last scene prior to the almost martyrdom of the good guy? 

They make eye contact with the person they are dying for or look at the bomb they need to stop. Their focus is on the greater good and not focused inward toward the self. And somehow at the last second, good still prevails.

Historically humankind watches shows (or plays) like this that have the same outcomes, tell the same core story with a different setup, but why? 

I personally think that this is because somewhere deep down we cheer the person on for not losing sight of the goal; for not losing focus. We feel good inside, because a character accomplished what we feel we fail at in our own lives so often. 

This isn't the case though. We are surrounded by many a Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow. The reason the archetypal hero can be rewritten in so many different ways and not lose appeal is because of what they focus on. 

The characters' focus plays on the desires of the human heart, which are to overcome every and any obstacle that prevents us from achieving what we inherently feel is right, but that we struggle in doing. 

The hero makes a large scale impact and therefore their large scale sacrifice is willingly embraced. In no way does it make the sacrifice easy, though. It's tough and someone cries. 

Just because your sacrifice might not narrowly avert nuclear war doesn't mean the impact is any less. Your focus on the desired outcome still tremendously impacts the lives of others. 

I could delve into many examples at this point on how this is true, but by now you are telling yourself your own story. The pang of guilt you might be feeling right now needs to have its focus redirected. 

Tremendous good comes from the tough things we have to do day in and day out. This is where the term "every day hero" comes from. The impact is huge to family, friends and neighbors. Get up, walk away and go make that thing happen. Focus. Do. Recommit.

What's your why?

How can you be truly self reliant, loving... everything you 

wish you were when you can't stand yourself? 

If you're not at that point, but you've lost an edge somehow, 

what do you do so you don't keep sliding backwards and 

away from who you are wanting to be?

These things happen when you lose or don't know what your 

"why" is. Why do you eat what you eat, do what you do, comb 

your hair  or cut it a certain way? 

Why do you seem to always wear a certain color, why do you achieve big things and then always slide backwards? Why do you believe the way you do, why do you say certain phrases, why are you negative, why are you positive, why do you yell or get frustrated when people question you, why do you get defensive so quickly, why are you so optimistic?

In short, I believe this quote is an excellent summary of the 

point I am trying to make with this entry, "when your evaluation of self

changes, when you feel differently about yourself, everything 

about you changes: your thoughts, feelings, emotions - every 

aspect of your behavior." (Schiffmann, pg 5)

There's nothing wrong with evaluating your life critically, so that

you can improve it. Simply put: You must be the kind of person 

your spouse and family think you are.* An excellent way to safely

and productively make this evaluation is to write a personal 

manifesto. 

I love that a client of mine jumped right on this effort, without any

prodding from me. I loved it! This has emboldened me to be a bit 

more vocal and extend an invitation to my readers and other 

clients to do the same. 

So my next blog entry will be an outline to empower you to begin
this type of evaluation. In the meantime, be thinking about your 
why. 

Start that dialogue with yourself and see what you come up 
with. Another thing to keep in mind is the manifesto may not be 
perfect out of the box. 

It might actually take time to understand your why; after you understand it, it may even evolve as you meet goals. I know that my why, in a variety of themes of my life, have changed with the birth of my son. 

However, the core desires and importance of what I was doing remains the same, just reorganized and fueled by a different motivation.

*A statement I heard on KLOVE radio one day during my commute.

Shooting Up in a Las Vegas Bathroom

This is as close I could get to Tony Horton.
I will meet him next year. I have a plan.

I recently participated in the Beachbody Coach Summit event in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was able to meet some pretty amazing coaches, trainers, and leadership figures. 

I've included a few pictures in this blog entry of some of the famous Beachbody faces. This was an amazing experience for me. 

I'd like to share a little bit about this event as well as what it was like to "shoot up" in a Las Vegas bathroom. I am of course speaking about my Multiple Sclerosis medication. 

Meeting & working out with
Debbie Siebers!

I carpooled with a few people from my general area to this conference and was quickly relieved to find out that they were normal and pleasant to spend time with. 

Not having met them before, I was indeed concerned. But we had an excellent time driving to Vegas and back. They may even say that I was the weird one... very possible...

I was also very relieved to find out that my temporary roommate was also normal and a real delight to hang around. So, two for two - something had to go wrong, right? Not at all. 

Though I really struggled with the ninety-eight to one hundred eight degree temperatures of Nevada, I was able to participate in most everything. More than that, I actually felt like I belonged. This last one was a biggie, as I have never felt this way - not really.

I was just simple tickled to
meet Chalene Johnson.

Kudos to fellow Beachbody Coaches Christine B. (thanks for the "better than sex spray mister!"); Tamara G. (thanks for looking out for me); MGM Grand concierge (thanks for figuring out how to get me to and from the pool) and security (thanks for pushing the wheelchair and getting me safely back to my room when my legs couldn't carry me). 

Thanks to all for getting creative and being such a big help so I could participate poolside with my team - if only for forty minutes. This was tremendous! 

It took about two hours to recover, but I did it and was able to workout live with Tony Horton later that day! This was so totally awesome! 

Donna Richardson is highly spiritual person.
Very pleasant to talk with.

Over the next few days I was also able to meet and work out live with Debbie Siebers. 

I was also able to meet Chalene Johnson (TurboFire, ChaLEAN Extreme, etc), Donna Richardson (Body Gospel), and have a random run in with Leandro Carvhalo (Brazil Butt Lift). Um, so Leandro totally grabbed my rump! Good times. ;-) 

I was able to get close enough to hear the voices and feel the energy of Tony Horton and Shawn T.. I was able to listen to them speak, watch and do work outs, and find that they are the same in person as they are on disc - high energy, fun-loving, constantly improving themselves and intense.

Now as the conference got into full swing it took me about half a day to realize that come shot time on Saturday, I wouldn't have time between sessions and activities to make it back to my room to take my medication and still make it to the next event in time. 

I realized I was going to have to keep my shot on hand for one of our very brief breaks on Saturday, during which I would have to go to the restroom and take my shot. 

I have to admit, this was indeed a very different experience than the last time I was in a Las Vegas bathroom. This time though, I was injecting a MS medication into my leg while in the bathroom, rather than throwing up, while some lady prayed outside the bathroom stall. (The prayer being that the poor bulimic lady would be okay and find her way to Jesus.) 

I think the funniest part about shooting up in a Las Vegas bathroom was when I came out to wash my hands. I didn't want to just put the needle and syringe in the garbage (highly irresponsible). 

I put it back in my purse and would bring it home to my sharps container. The funny thing is that handling this shot is so normal for me now, that I didn't pay attention to what others 

Leandro Carvahlo has ENERGY
and big devious smile.

might be thinking in the bathroom. 

I only caught on when I realized I had a few confused stares, as I was separating the needle from the syringe to put it in a baggie and back in my purse. I tried to explain, but I don't really think those ladies believed me... Good times!

Chalene Johnson and Shawn T.
two very beautiful people inside and out.

All in all, this conference was amazing! I learned that all the things I've been doing to improve my health have been spot on. 

I'm really excited now to help others rise to the challenges of life and push beyond those challenges. I saw so many people that have achieved similar outcomes regarding their health as I have. 

I was energized and charged by this. I realized that I'm not unique in this regard. This was a refreshing discovery, because it made me realize that I'm not some crazy lady doing crazy things and that I'm not an anomaly. 

No, these changes to health and wellness, even with disease, is actually attainable. I'm not only living proof, but there are thousands out there in a similar situation, doing this too and having amazing results. 

Again, it was refreshing to see that I'm not smokin' and being unrealistic. People truly can move beyond the bounds of illness and disability, if they are willing to get creative and redefine possibilities. It's not easy! It's painful, infuriating, frustrating, disappointing, but so incredibly worth it!

I spoke with people that have serious diabetes, and other chronic or neurological dysfunctions. I spoke with people that use fitness to combat serious depression and recover from wartime struggles. 

I interacted and identified with a few people in wheelchairs that are modifying Beachbody programs such as P90X and Insanity; they are indeed really doing these programs. 

I met morbidly obese people that have done P90X, TurboFire, BodyGospel, Slim in 6, Brazil Butt Lift and more - they've already lost one hundred pounds or more, and though still morbidly obese or overweight, they are on the right track to attain very real transformations. 

I met people in their sixties and seventies still working out on intense levels; one of them even described diet and fitness as the "fountain of youth". It is possible to change your direction in life. 

To make these changes though, the questions are: How bad do you really want it? Do you want it bad enough to commit to recommitting? 

Do you want it bad enough to create consistent discipline to get you there? Do you want it bad enough to change self-sabotaging behaviors? Are you permitting yourself to actually have a quality life? Do you believe you are deserving? 

If so, then change your behavior. If it's that important to you, then you will make it happen. If you keep faltering, then your "why?" may have changed or isn't strong enough. Decide. Commit. Succeed. It doesn't have to be perfect, just consistent. 

You have to be willing to go to hot places when you have problems with heat. You have to be willing to take your medications in public restrooms. 

These are required to remove yourself from feeling trapped by illness. You have to be willing to surrender to modifications in order to participate fully. 

It's not about being picture perfect and doing it just like everyone else. It's about doing it in whatever way that you can, so that everyone else can't hide behind lame excuses to improve. 

If you are unwilling to engage and try, then it's an excuse. If you are unwilling to be vulnerable, then you are prideful and you will either linger in stasis or continue to decline. 

I see now, more than ever before, that the only thing that keeps us from achieving all that our heart desires in this life, 

is our commitment, dedication, and attitude.