Kiss and Tell

"Ew! They kissed!" 

As a young child I distinctly recall a number a road trips, driving around town, or simply hanging out at home where I witnessed my parents smooch. 

Sometimes they did it to gross the kids out, other times it was with all sincerity and we just happened to be there. I recall making fun and pretending to be grossed out with my siblings.

No matter what though, I always knew that my parents loved each other. It was comforting. 

As I continued to grow I remembered thinking that I hoped I found someone that wanted to kiss me and love me too.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband returned from a nearly 7-month deployment. So this last week, my husband and I took my son and ran away on a little vacation to San Antonio, TX. While there we visited Sea World. 

Sitting in the stands, waiting in anticipation of a killer whale show, our son did something unexpected and totally awesome.

He was between my husband and myself and put one arm around each of us. With a hand at the base of both of our necks, he kept pushing our faces together so my husband and I could kiss. Each time we kissed, Jacob sounded completely delighted, cheered, and laughed with joy. 

Tonight, a few days later, while on a boat ride, he did the same thing.

I'm starting to see that kids need to see their parents love, to touch, and to kiss. I'm not talking about the kind of stuff that should be behind doors. 

I am talking about nice kisses, hand holding, and hugs. It is comforting not only to the parents to engage in this way, but for their children to see love between parents.

Thank you Josh, for loving me like my Dad loves my Mom. I am blessed to have you. It is exactly because of who you are that I have no problem kissing you and telling this to the world.

Foggy Places and Rainy Days

I have vivid memories of a particularly dense fog that loomed over the Salt Lake Valley sometime during 1985.

The fog seemed the most thick while walking to school in the early morning hours. I had to walk to school with my younger sister Rebecca. Our school at that time was a mile away from home.

Rebecca was scared and walked very slow. I was annoyed and frustrated at first. The next day I realized that her fear was very real to her and she wasn't just making it up to bother me.

She was terrified that her field of vision was so limited. Rebecca was afraid that something truly dangerous was lurking in the fog and it was coming out to get her.

When it rained she was noticeably happier and energetic. When the fog again returned it felt almost as though the fog had also settled inside Rebecca and not just around her.

The fog was so persistent that eventually Rebecca became acclimated to it and it seemed to no longer affect her so severely. She was different though.

It wasn't long after that time that a different hazard surrounded Rebecca; now she was in a difficult and more brutal long-term fog. She would have to fight for her life for many years. 

Sometimes she was leery and cautious of the figurative impact of the dirt in the air around her, "the fog"; other times she was willfully oblivious of it. 

I am now speaking of the negative influence of filthy neighborhood kids, other bad influences, curiosity, molestation, and eventually drugs and alcohol.

The grotesque fog that settled on Rebecca lingered for the next twenty years. For many of those years I was frustrated with her, not fully understanding the dangers that had crept into her life from that same nasty foggy mess that seemed to constantly be her around.

Then I understood the fears, her reactions, and the way she handled the traumas in her life. It was all very warranted, very real, very scary, and her various responses were just as unique as she was.

I loved her, I had many great times and created fantastic memories with her. I also have hated her and not wanted to be around her.

I have laughed with her, I have cried with her, I have learned from her, and I have admired her. I have prayed for her, I have picked her up when she was down. I have been down and been buoyed up by her energy and creativity many times.

I miss sleepovers, late night Phase 10 tournaments, licorice-straws in soda, and cutting out pictures of our favorite famous people from magazines. I desperately miss sharing music and making up songs at the piano together.

I hate the fog that is created by others. It scares me now. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I want to feel. The only way I've been able to navigate it emotionally, has been to pray fervently and to constantly seek out good things.

I believe in a Supreme Being, a Father in Heaven, and I believe that this Being can indeed literally pull the fog out of us, if we let him. Trusting and submitting to the Supreme is like experiencing a good rain; clearing up bad air.

Fog, otherwise known as the darkness created by poor choices by us and others must be allowed to exist, so long as there is agency. The power to choose is ours and those choices certainly can affect others around us.

But this filth that gets kicked up and carried around in the air does not have to exist inside of me if I don't permit it to. I have that choice.

Rebecca made such amazing and tremendous improvements the last several years; especially 2012 until her passing this last May. 

At age 35, Rebecca suddenly passed away. Her body had been through enough and it had rejected the medications used to help her function... her body just simply stopped working. 

Her death was a merciful thing, I think. Rather than living in extreme pain and somehow making it through, she is now free from her pains. 

Her passing came at a high point in her life. What better time to go, right? Her fog has certainly lifted.

I can't help but feel happy for her. Though I miss her, I also feel that she is truly at peace. She deserves that. 

In some way, I sort of feel like she is the one now that is leading me  safely through the fog that comes and goes throughout life. 

I believe that she has joined a team of cheerleaders that surround me. They keep me from allowing any particular dirtiness from creating a fog that's too dense for me to navigate through.

I admire the vantage point and understanding that the dead must have on the living. 

I believe that when it is my turn to return to my Father in Heaven that created me, that I will be greeted by my cheerleaders; Rebecca, certainly first among them... knowing her, she wouldn't permit it any other way.

Writing this feels really good. It has been a healing reflection.

R.I.P. In Life and Death

In the last two weeks my younger sister, Rebecca (age 35), passed away and my husband was deployed.

During this time I have had some of the sweetest moments of my life.

God is good to me. Life is beautiful, no matter how ugly people can be to each other. 

So often we hear the term "rest in peace" (R.I.P.) in reference to the dead, but it has a greater application. We should be able to rest with a peaceful heart in life as well as in death. 

Yes, this has been a tough time for me, but peace has been ever present during this time as well.

I would give more detail if I could articulate it. But the details aren't as important as the take home message noted above.

Death, Divorce, and Same-Sex Marriage

Wow, I have been contemplating life so much lately. This last little bit with my cousin's wife (five months younger than me) passing away really has thrown me. 

Here's my take home message from all my pondering:

This life isn't about you or me, rather it is about what we do for each other. Live, love, serve, be faithful, and repeat.

I've also seen several families fall apart this last year. In each case it was due to one of the following: "irreconcilable differences", disease, or infidelity (physical, mental, or emotional). I've been torn watching how kids are affected by this.

Here's my take home message from pondering these individual situations: 

Live, love, serve, be faithful, and repeat.

Then there's been a great deal in the Utah media about same-sex marriage. The big issue here is the assumptions that people make about what I must think about it, after all, I am: 

• "Mormon" 
• part of a military family
• have a homosexual sibling.

I am sorry but that's a complex and contradictory combination (military, Mormon, homosexual sibling) and my answer to this topic is actually quite simple:

Live, love, serve, be faithful, and repeat.

God bless us, everyone!

No one ever thinks that when they get married that in just a few short years they would be burying the love of their life.

When we get married we feel indestructible and that the entire world is before us, ready to roll whichever direction we will it to go.

Reality might settle in when the first disagreements or children come along. We work up to these things though. As we come to know our best friend better, we come to know ourselves better. We grow together - or at least that's the plan anyway.

There is a "happily ever after family" gathering together right now in a local hospital as they are about to turn off the life-support for their wife, mother, daughter, and sister. I can't imagine what my cousin and his young children must be going through. 

At the same time I can also imagine that there is a great deal of comfort knowing that the pain and suffering is now coming to an end.

I used to think that Christmas Eve should always be filled with joy and excitement. I see it much differently now. 

Mercy, humility, peace, loving-kindness, prayer, hope, charity… these are the emotions of Christmas Eve. If joy happens to accompany the mix, well then, embrace it too.

God bless us, everyone!

Growing up!

Come to find out, the process of "growing up" doesn't end at any specific age. 

In the last nearly 16 months as a mother, I have learned many valuable lessons. I am absolutely certain that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface for this education. I would like to share just a few things that have really made a mark on me internally.

Disclaimer: I am so not perfect, nor do I strive to be. I try not to compare and so in sharing this I would hope that you don't compare either. This is just sharing and learning from a person who still has so much more to learn.

1. I am glad that I have a boy. I never really was a little "girl" so I don't know how to relate in that way. I am still a tomboy at heart for sure.

2. The only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that I know nothing.

3. I have discovered that I am not a very patient person. I'm definitely getting a crash course on this and I am improving, it just isn't a comfortable learning process. But definitely rewarding.

4. Memories of my own childhood have emerged and become clearer as I have watched my son grow and learn.

5. I've learned very quickly what is really important to me and what isn't:
Important                           Not Important
Exercise                                Clean house
Clean Teeth                          Clean laundry 
Time in the bathroom           To hurry
Sleep                                     Make-up
Diaphragmatic breathing      Apps
Hugs                                      Television
Kisses                                                        
Cuddling
Clean laundry
Nutritious food
Play time
Structure
Laughter

What are some similar things that you have learned as a parent, while YOU have been growing up? Please share.

Overalls After All!

This will be my first Mother's Day. To make it even more awesome, we received our sons amended birth certificate in the mail this week.

I've no doubt that he will struggle with the idea that someone else gave birth to him for us. But he is absolutely ours and for right here and right now, receiving his birth certificate with our names on it completely rocks! 

While I was thinking about this being my first Mother's Day, I remembered buying overalls many years ago. I bought them because I was newly married and excited about the potential to be a mom. I really think that pregnant women look so darn cute in overalls.

My husband and I decided to be married at least a year before trying to have children. However, before that year was done, my husband was deployed with the military. Shortly after he had returned from his deployment I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

After I left the doctors office, I came home and sat fully dressed in an empty bathtub and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. It was a very ugly cry. I still tear up when I think about it. 

I wasn't lamenting the diagnoses, instead I was absolutely crushed because it was at this time that I knew I wouldn't never physically carry a child inside of me.  

The decision to adopt rather than try to carry a child was an overwhelmingly spiritual decision for the benefit of my health. Both my husband and I felt that we shouldn't gamble with how my body would handle pre and post pregnancy.

We do not judge others with how they would have handled the situation. But in our circumstance, the decision was definitely the right move.

So I put my overalls on. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and then I went outside and pulled some weeds. I wore those darn overalls landscaping our yard. I used the overalls until they were completely worn out. Then I got rid of them.

Just the other day I was getting my son dressed and pulled out some little blue overalls for him that someone gave us. I dressed him up in them and boy did he ever look cute! It was then that I realized I never lost my dream. I got to carry my child wearing overalls.

 

Heartfelt Gratitude

I've no idea how to express the joy I feel lately. All I know is that my husband and I are very blessed. Dear family, friends, co-workers and strangers who pray for us and have been so generous - thank you! 


Here's a little video I would like to share. God bless you all! We have been recipients of the grandest blessing that either of us have ever received.

It's A Boy!

Now I understand the meaning of what happened in my May 30 blog post...

My husband and I have been trying to adopt a child for a number of years. We've worked with three different agencies. It been pretty unsuccessful and downright frustrating. 

So when we received yet another call saying that a birth-mom delivered on the east coast a few days before and that the agency was requesting permission to show our profile to yet another set of birthparents, we said "sure". 

See, that's how it goes. Then you're not selected,  birthparents decide to parent rather than place the child, or you are in the top two and eventually become the "runner up". The most recent call was on the evening of July 1. 

After the call with the most recent case worker, we finished our movie and then went to bed knowing that on Monday, we would be informed we didn't make the cut. 

Honestly, we had mentally and emotionally given up on adoption. This was going to be the end. We were done and needed to move on with life.

July 2 came and after the lunch hour we received the news that we were actually selected! Oh my holy freakin' cow! The news wasn't followed by a "just kidding", rather it was followed by a "can you get out here tomorrow?" 

Well we couldn't. We had to get money wired to them, we had to arrange travel, we had to gather start-up baby stuff, dog sitter, communicate with our employers, etcetera. On top of all this, we were in a major holiday week. The best we could do was fly out on Wednesday.

July 3...A busy blur orchestrated by divine intervention to make things run as smoothly as possible, as in better than clockwork. However, it was indeed a blur, busy, exhausting and I have no idea how we did it all. Actually we didn't do it all, THANK YOU to all our friends and family. THANK YOU!

Our first family photo in a hotel lobby.
Diana, Josh, & Jacobson.

July 4...We were on the morning flight to a major east coast city, we selected an airport a little ways away for the benefit of a direct return flight with a babe in arms. 

After we landed, we jumped in a rental car for a two hour drive to a smaller east coast city. We drove right to the hotel of our social worker who had temporary custody of our little one since leaving the hospital. 

We met our social worker and the notary in the hotel lobby. We all signed transfer of custody paperwork and by around seven that night we were parents. Whew! 

We then drove to our hotel and checked-in. We were starving though, so we went to dinner and invited the social worker who had taken care of our son until we could get there. This was the best Fourth of July celebration ever!

Jacobson Ethan (7 days old)

The next few days were hurry up and wait kind of days. Hospital visits, baby registry stuff, texts and calls with family and friends, calls with area attorney's and attorneys back at home, adoption agency collaboration, diapers, spit-up, bottles, awesome hotel staff to help us sanitize bottles for reuse... we met a lot of really neat people during this time. But the neatest of all were the birthparents.

On July 5 we had dinner with the birthparents at their hotel and it was simply awesome. They went into this delivery knowing that they were giving birth to another person's child. 

Yes, this was emotionally and mentally tough for them to do, but in their own words over dinner, "...after meeting you, we now know we found the right family for our son. We have no doubts about placing him with you two." This was incredibly humbling to hear. 

It was also this night that we learned about the emergency circumstance of Jacob's birth. Both he and birth-mom almost didn't make it. 

The placenta and uterus detached and they were rushed to the Emergency Room where an emergency C-section was performed. Little Jacob even had to be resuscitated; a miracle baby all around in many ways. 

By evening's end we had interviewed the birthparents on camera and taken pictures. It was at this time that the birthparents requested that for sake of providing closure for their other children, could we arrange to meet them before we left town. We agreed and settled on meeting July 10.

July 9...We were informed that the ICPC was clear and we could fly home; the ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) is the legal do-hicky that says it's okay to take this kid of ours across state lines and back home. So we rearranged our flights from a July 14 return to a July 10 return!

July 10...We met the immediate birth family in a local park. We only had thirty minutes with them before we had to leave to drive to the airport. 

Our time with the birth family was precious. We were able to get pictures of each of Jacob's half siblings holding him. We got pictures of his birth parents holding him. We did see that the kids truly needed this closure. 

I know this opportunity is rare and unique with regards to adoption. The reason the birthparents placed Jacob with us is dynamic, hefty, and full on intricate details. Suffice it to say, there were many reasons, and all in all, this is a better situation for this little life. We have been blessed again. 

I mentioned earlier that I now know what the feeling was behind my May 30 blog post. During our interaction with the birthparents, we learned that Jacob had been promised elsewhere in a private adoption setting. 

During the last week of May the birthparents found that if they continued with the intended adoptive couple, that Jacob would be in a potentially abusive situation. Because of that, they decided to discontinue placement and to go with an agency. 

The agency that they selected was the third and final agency we ended up working with. It's amazing the divine orchestration that took place to bring us our son. We are thankful for the courage of Jacob's birth parents. They made a miracle happen in our lives.

It's so wonderful to be home now. It's been an absolute whirlwind and so completely worth it. Welcome Jacob! Welcome to our home, our family and our hearts. We love you!

Together Again

The last couple of days have been dedicated to a family reunion for a side of my family that hasn't really gotten together in over twenty years. 

It was wonderful to see everyone and their kids, to reunite and have conversations to try to get to know each other again. 

On the way home from the final event my husband asked me what I enjoyed the most and in all honesty it was simply spending time with these people. 

The recollection of memories is certainly fun and good, but it was the hugging, laughing and conversation that was most awesome. In a way it was like a little empty spot of me was filled, it was a place in me that I didn't know was really empty.

How often do we get absorbed in our own worlds and forget that we are an extension of something bigger? We all have talents and amazing parts to us, but it becomes more amazing when you apply yourself to something worthwhile.  

It makes you question what is really important in life. Investing selfishly will bring us temporary satisfaction, yet in the long run only result in loneliness. 

Investing in something greater than yourself may take a lot of energy, pull you out of a comfort zone and such, but in the end you feel edified and thankful for the experience.

There were some that couldn't be with us for one reason or another and all were sincerely missed. The absence was actually quite profound. 

Not just for those that are dead or dying, but also for those living elsewhere. It's amazing how profoundly the absences affect us in a variety of ways.

Aside from all of these things, it was the collective living, laughing and smiling that resonates. These are the precious things that we work so hard to create and remember. It's these things that get us through the tougher times. 

The Military & Multiple Sclerosis

I never thought I would marry into the military...

or have the need to say, “I have MS”.

When I first met my husband he was in the Army National Guard, now he is in the Air National Guard. I have experienced a lot as a military wife and I am sure to experience a lot more; I’ve no regrets. Regardless if you are Active military or National Guard, when you have MS, being a military family is incredibly challenging. As a matter of fact, being a military family is a lot like having MS.

There is a large amount of unpredictability, a physical and emotional roller-coaster, a lot of “hurry up and wait”, as well as moments of incredible learning about who you are and how far your limits extend. Patience is tried, but there are also moments of accomplishment.

When my husband went through his Officer training in Tennessee, there was a graduation program at the completion that I was able to attend. This program was a big deal, so the commencement was not a small event.

During the evening portion of the event, there was a table with a display that represented the fallen soldiers of all the military branches. I was touched at how the table was displayed. A representative in uniform for each branch carried a dress hat and walked slowly to the cadence of a very somber air. The great hall was very quiet throughout the presentation, with an air of respect, sorrow, devotion, absence, honor, memory, and love...at that moment you were on hallowed ground. It is the memory of this experience that comforts me beyond explanation.

No matter our lot in life, regardless of our trials, 
human life...living life is so precious and important that I know I can’t waste a moment of it.

I cry. I have bitter moments. I feel loss and frustration, but when I am through feeling these emotions that any human has the right to feel, I then have a responsibility to carry on and do what I can do - serving others that are still within arms reach.

I am at war. I’m a soldier fighting for normalcy, functionality, happiness, and me; and when I fall, I expect you to be there for me. I could share more military and MS experiences, but the one I have shared here is the most applicable. I have a little motto that I like to say a lot. I have said it in this blog before and it is a good one to keep in mind.

Living your life based on the unpredictability of MS can be

more detrimental than the disease itself.

To withhold opportunities, activities, and goals because you aren’t sure how your MS is going to affect you from day to day, only makes for a lonely and unhappy existence.

The military factor is nothing more than another obstacle. So I have to find someone else to inject my arms when Josh is gone. I have sole responsibility to maintain our home and finances...but I have also been blessed with awesome family, neighbors, co-workers, friends, and community. The thing that makes the biggest difference is letting these people in to help me when I am going it alone. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it isn’t fun when Josh is deployed or at drill when I need him, but it all boils down to the same thing regardless of the situation and that is how I let it affect me.

My husband is currently gone with the military for the next year. Earlier in the week, I was just fine. Yesterday I was miserable. Today I am sad, but productive. Tomorrow...tomorrow will be what tomorrow brings, but for now the forecast is positive.