Breaking The Mold

Recently I was mocked by a peer. A fellow personal trainer actually said out load that I am an "embarrassment to the fitness industry."

The justification of the claim was because I am not skinny, I am "not as toned as a trainer should be." He said that I lack a level of visually apparent muscle tonality that a fitness industry professional should have. 

He ended with, "true fitness professionals do not have stretch marks, a gut, or an ass as big as [mine]."

This experience has really been like a punch in the gut... the very gut that has stretch marks from major weight gain (thank you steroids for treating MS, binge-eating, caffeine addiction, etc) and major weight-loss (90lbs).

I entered the fitness industry as a means to help others who were like me: 

• struggling with chronic disease (in my case multiple sclerosis); 
• using food and beverage as a means for coping through life; 
• affected by anxiety and/or depression;
• body image issues;
• negativity;
• poor daily life activity; and so much more.

I relayed this experience to another fellow fitness industry professional who knows me and I couldn't thank her enough for her response. 

She said that I am definitely not like the stereotypical fitness professional, but I am a powerful one. She said I'm a motivator with never-ending positivity, tremendous fitness knowledge, skill, and surprising energy. She said that I am a lot stronger than I appear. She said, "so no, you don't fit the mold - you break it."

Another fitness professional said that she has been more of a stinky sweaty mess from one of my classes than any other that she has recently attended.

Though this experience with the meanie fitness professional has hurt my confidence as well as my feelings, I want him to know that: 

• I sincerely hope if he's ever faced with a debilitating illness that impedes mobility, that he too can overcome it. 
• I hope that if he ever drinks or eats too much while trying to cope with life, that he can overcome the emotional shame and body image issues that are associated with being overweight or obese. 
• I hope that even he can overlook his own stretch marks if that occurs.
• I hope that no matter what comes his way and how his body changes, that when he looks in the mirror that he can not only realistically see the flaws, but also be proud of them and and what those flaws represent.

Today I outran a teenage boy, though I know that in time after I am done training him, that he will outrun me.

Today I spent one hour in proficiency training using TRX and a TRX Rip stick.

Today I completed an intense 58-minute cardio bout.

Today I spent time writing group exercise class designs for Spin, Lift, and TRX/Rip classes that I intend on using.

Now in retrospect, 10-years ago I was out of breath walking down a hall and terrified to step down from a curb without assistance.

I have made an impact to many. My clients have had tremendous success. My family has benefited tremendously.

Here I go, breaking the mold...

Living By Design

Some things simply happen, other things we dream would happen, but everything else we make happen. This is called living by design.

I intermittently suffer from panic and anxiety. It can be crippling at times. On days when it is really bad there is a level of paranoia that I must contend with as well. Panic, anxiety, and paranoia are not a pleasant combination of emotions. I am not embarrassed to admit this, it just is.

Since I have taken a more active role in creating and meeting goals, I have been able to shift my focus from the scary unknown things that I cannot control and instead let in the light from the known things, in order to change my troubled perceptions. 

Easier said than done, yet persistent practice is an amazing tool for any talent that you wish to develop. It is the same with the mind.

Because I struggle in this way, I have become more vocal about sharing tips and tricks that have helped me to see life from a different vantage point and to regain a persistently positive light in my life. 

I now understand that there are a few things in this life that we really do have control over. Consistent and persistent practice makes all of these much more tangible. 

• Thoughts (internal self-talk)
• Words (external self-talk or social interactions)
• Beliefs (willingness to be receptive/open to others' beliefs)
• Response (pausing, thinking, then speaking; stripping the ego from the response)
• Determination (never give up; pause, take a break, rethink the approach; try again)
• Focus (enlightening vs. titillating)
• Kindness (Smile! Say "thank you" and "please.")
• Positive behaviors (Be the kind of person your family and friends think you are.)
• Presence (active listening; face-to-face time with eye-contact; reduce distractions like phone, TV, etc.)

Oftentimes every single one of these require a deep breath, a brief pause, and a little prayer.

As I have tried to incorporate these elements in my daily life, I have been able to live more in the present; reducing the amount of time dwelling in the past and too much worry over the future.

These behaviors have brought a greater focus and implementation of successful behaviors in order to achieve goals. I allow myself to think forward, in a positive manner, to generate a macro-goal list. 

I then break down the big picture and generate a linear micro-goals list. Doing and achieving the little things has long since been a successful way to accomplishing the big ticket goals. It is about conditioning, in order to promote progression.

What would happen to our world if we were all more persistent in living by design in this manner? I think I would like to find out.

Your thoughts?

Laser Lipo

The other day while driving to an appointment I heard an ad on the radio for a local laser lipo business and the soundbite for the ad was, "get your lipo today and live your life beautiful."

This made me incredibly angry. 

What is the definition of beautiful? What is your perception of a beautiful person?

I have nothing against people getting lipo or other procedures like it. What I do have a problem with is the driving motivation and rational behind getting it done.

Have you known a physically appealing person who is a total beast to associate with? Are they beautiful?

Have you known someone who always smiles, emotionally builds up others around them? Are they beautiful?
 
Think of the senior citizens in your life that you love and reach out to. Why do you reach out to them? How do they make you feel? Are they beautiful?

What is beauty? Really stop and really think about it for a moment.

I sure hope this gets you thinking about your own perspective of what beauty is. 

Suicide?

I've been thinking about suicide. Not personally, but in relation to someone dear to me. I've been thinking about hard times and the reason why thoughts of suicide are entertained.

This is a tough topic and one many people don't like to address, but it needs to be! If you are in need of help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline now!

I can honestly say that at one point, for a small period, I have actually contemplated suicide as an option for myself. I can also say I found my way out of thinking it was a viable option and I will share why in this post. 

This is hard for me to share. I feel as though I need to though. I do not know the reason, but here it goes.

Facing catastrophic situations, depression, failing health, addictions, poor life choices, failing relationships, bullying, and much more... 

whatever the reason may be for your contemplating suicide, I promise you that your life is worth living.

I recall the day I understood the fact that I was a divinely created with an enormous amount of potential. I deserved to live, as well as to thrive. 

God needed me to live. 

I have a purpose. 

So do you!

I understood this truth during the precise moment that I had a choice to either act on my suicide plan or to abandon it.

I understood it, not as an excuse to abandon the plan to end my life, rather, it was the precise reason for why I created the plan to suicide in the first place. Let me try to explain.

I didn't believe I was of value to the lives of those I loved most dear. I believed that I was insignificant, replaceable, incapable, stupid, and undesirable. 

I believed that so many people would be much better off if I were no longer in the picture. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to continue to live the way I was living. I couldn't see a way out of being an insignificant, stupid, and unwanted person. 

No one should ever believe the lie that their life doesn't matter... 

not even those that have lived a life of crime, hurt others, or made big mistakes. Even those people have loved and been loved. 

Even those people have a divine potential waiting to be uncovered. Even those people will be missed by someone. Even they were created in God's image and for a reason. Even they deserve to find peace from the torment they have had in this life.

Now thinking of this person that I love so dearly, mentioned at the start of this blog entry. He is not a criminal. He is a young man that has so much more life to be lived ahead of him. His heart is so pure and innocent in many ways. My life is definitely better with him in it.

My heart aches for him to see the amazing person that he is. My heart yearns for his release from the pain that he is literally putting himself through. 

He can have release from the pain, without killing himself. It is possible! I wish, hope, and pray for the day that he sees himself as God sees him. 

You are worth every effort to fight the evil voice that tells you that you aren't worth it. You are worth so much! 

Rest easy in prayer tonight, dear boy. Jesus loves you, so do I, and so many others around you. You are amazing. 

If you are in need of help, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline now! 

Bravery

Turning pages, pausing to comprehend, writing to articulate in my own words, then comparing the figures with the text once more... Trying to absorb the information on how various muscles of the body are innervated. What the plexus does this do!?

It was at this time when a total stranger told me that I am brave. She said it because I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, and I was alone.

I was there to study and eat dinner because I hadn't been able to focus on my studies at home. So while husband and son were at home bonding, I studied at the library and then I relocated to study over dinner. 

Brave? What about this made me brave? Then I recalled a time in my life when there was no way that I would subject myself to being alone in public and eating dinner in a big booth.

Being alone in public, particularly while dining is a scary place to be for many people. When you feel this way about yourself, there is nothing more frightening than to be "publicly alone" - after all, if I believe no one wants to be around me, I must be a scary person and here I am alone with a very scary person. Agh!

But I'm not scary. The woman who commented to me that she could never do that, isn't scary. However, the perception that she is scary is incredibly real to her. 

Have you ever isolated yourself, hid yourself from public view because you were embarrassed of yourself? What if you say something silly? What will people think of you? For some people this is downright crippling.

I actually have many memories of ordering a large amount of take-out with the intention of eating it myself. At the time of pick-up for this food, I would ask for two packets of silverware, just to hide from a stranger that I would be eating the contents all by myself when I got home.

I ate to fill an emotional void inside of me. I ate a lot, in an attempt to not feel so alone.

The bravest thing I have ever done was to look at myself in the mirror and try to learn to love me. After doing that, sitting at a booth alone in a restaurant is not uncomfortable at all.

I am not a scary person. This woman who said I was brave, is not a scary person. We are beautiful people searching for a connection, meaning, and a purpose in life. 

We may not be picture perfect. We might have some social awkwardness and insecurity. 

It took practice to learn to like me. It took patience and tolerance to learn to love me.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one to have. God loves you as you are, why can't you? Why do we give up so quickly on ourselves? 

If you were incapacitated, it would just be you and your body - alone. Would you be kind to yourself in that state of mind and body? It is at times like this that I think of people like my Grandmother.

Grandma had a series of strokes. A beautiful, kind and caring woman. Left without words. Unable to care for herself. What did she think of? I sincerely hope she thought kind things about herself.

There were times I could see a flash of humor and a smirk come across her face. I love the idea that in that state she still found a way to laugh. Now that is bravery.

All of this reminds me of a Dustin Hoffman clip wherein speaking of his character Tootsie, Hoffman addressed how external beauty, as dictated by society, can affect our interest in getting to know a person.

Stepping away from what society says and accepting others regardless of their appearance and apparent awkwardness, especially in public is brave. Have you ever been the one accepted or rejected while in an awkward phase? Have you been the one to accept another?

Be brave - always.

Stopping The Black Hole

I had a communication experience recently that just sucked. It reminded me of a few other similar less effective communication experiences. Sometimes I lose my tact, skill, and timing. Don't we all? 

The most frustrating thing about this is the realization that when I get to a certain level of frustration, I lose my confidence to express myself effectively. I get tongue-tied and typically say the absolute worst and or totally wrong thing. 

It is at times like this that I revert to the way that the old Diana would respond and I shut down. I withdraw, I hide, I feel discounted and nearly worthless. 

Then in my isolation I sit in it a bit and let it fester like a sliver that I have no intention of removing, because it might hurt if I do. Great logic, right? 

While dwelling I can actually feel my blood pressure rise. My eyes generally begin to feel moist from tears that are either overflowing or being restrained to a near misting. I don't like this state. 

It is while in this state that the new Diana plays peek-a-boo, by trying to recall that things like this happen and that I should continue to move forward, resolving to do better next time. It is good to understand why it happened and how it happened, but move on.

I'm glad I am no longer the old Diana, because something like this would send me into an isolated melancholy that would take days to emotionally emerge from. Even after that I would have a tip-toe behavior, because of course, it is all my fault and I desperately don't want it to happen again.

I don't like this tap dance of emotions. The dwelling, internal negative splinter, and withdrawal are unhealthy. Combined, it creates nothing but a vacuum of deadly emotions that go no where and fester beyond recognition. 

Like a black hole, this cluster of emotions both pulls, press down, and traps anything within grasp. The emotional black hole creates a burden that is inescapable, if you are too close for too long. This does nothing but create a space that everyone tries to avoid.

The simple truth is that I'm tired. I am bloated. I was feeling a bit selfish and left out. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and uncomfortable. I am human. End result: I let my guard down and said almost all the wrong things. Who hasn't done this?

I am absolutely fine. I really truly am. Misunderstandings and miscommunication happen and I am not a black hole; nor do I need to become one.

To value or not to value? Why is this even a question?

In his 2008 TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) presentation on "Why we make bad decisions," Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert said something that really resonated with me. He said, "Comparison only changes the value of what's in front of us." He then of course continued explaining the science behind making choices.

In the scientific information presented, the data was from how comparison changes the value of monetary things like entertainment, equipment, cars, and the like. Eventually he broadened the application of it.

The entire time though, that line repeated in my head and I was applying the impact to my personal life.

"Comparison only changes the value 
of what's in front of us."

Every time I think about it, I'm left emotionally stunned.

The concept is applicable to everything, but the image that seems to stick in my mind, with regards to this quote, is me watching and admiring beautiful people while simultaneously conjuring an image of me in my mind's eye. Once I have the image, the comparison begins.

So in this example of comparison, it is my own personal value that decreases. I say decreases because very rarely is it anything different.

In reality though, the value of any person isn't any more or less than another. You are more than a body, a profession, or where you live. We are all of great value to someone. Why not love ourselves for who we are, just as we are. Why not love ourselves? After all, someone else does.

I'm Stuck

Have you ever seen a movie, play, or read a book and wish you could rewrite the ending or even just a segment in order to better suit your interpretation?

So here's the thing. I've been mentally deliberating on something I read and the dwelling is over the use of the word "absurd".  For some reason the use just struck a nerve. I loved reading this book but this one line just didn't seem to fit - for me.

Contextually it fits and the usage is right, according to how the author meant to use it. However, it has just not been sitting well with me.

This word use has bothered me so much that my brain has been frustrated. So I thought that maybe if I substituted the word with the one I would select, then maybe I would feel better.

I know this isn't a 'choose your own adventure' kind of reading material, but I'm going to do it anyway.

The line that's bothering me is from the book Still Me by Christopher Reeve, which reads, "Life is more unpredictable - and even more absurd - than any of us can imagine."

I want to switch the word "absurd" with "incongruous". Feel free to voice your opinions.

Personal Development

(last updated: February 17, 2013)

I'm coming from a negative and highly melancholy past. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. This is why I have been in a persistent quest to shed the negative and seek out the positive. 

In order for me to do this, I have had to consistently improve and challenge my personal development. Essentially, exercise for the heart, mind, and spirit.

Over the past few years, I've had many people ask me what I am reading or what I draw upon to formulate my thoughts. This material is my personal development workout that I just noted above.

I'd like to keep this blog post as a working list, so you can know exactly what has influenced me, as well as new material I find down the road. The materials in this list are not references that I've read just once, but many times. 

There's real truth here, so much so that I've tried to embody the concepts that resonate most. A single reading doesn't suffice for my retention. I read, then practice, then read again. 

Regardless of what any of us read or believe, we must continually strive to develop and grow. It is from this effort that change occurs; where lasting impact is made. 

The impact doesn't always have to be public or grand scale. In fact, some of the biggest impacts I have had, have actually been in my own thinking and in my very own life.

If you have materials that you draw upon for personal development and inner strength, please share. I'm always looking for more. 

I personally really like learning about the United States Presidents in history and really respect David McCullough's writing. So if you are interested in history, any book on just about any president he's written about is darn good. 

Here's the current running list that I have in my personal library. The references with an * are where I would recommend that you start.

In all of these books, you'll learn a lot about what it takes to command in a variety of tough situations, as well as how critical compromise really is. 

Most importantly, you may also learn what it takes to really be true to yourself and stand for something no matter what.

1. * 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
2. * The Art of Exceptional Living by Jim Rohn
3. * Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude by Napoleon Hill
4. Building your Network Marketing Business by Jim Rohn
5. Truman by David G. McCullough
6. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
7. A Thousand Names For Joy by Byron Katie
8. Becoming A Person of Influence By John Maxwell and Jim Dornan
9. * Compound Effect by Darren Hardy
10. Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson
11. Deadly Emotions by Don Colbert
12. Drive by Daniel H. Pink
13. Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
14. * Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
15. Les Miserable by Victor Hugo
16. Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
17. Life Strategies by Dr. Phil McGraw
18. Lincoln's Melancholy by Joshua Wolf Shenk
19. Long Run by Matthew Long
20. Mindbody Prescription: Healing the body, Healing the Pain by John E. Sarno, M.D.
21. Napoleon Hill's Keys to Success: The 17th Principles of Personal Achievement by Napoleon Hill
22. Quitter by John Acuff
23. Quotable C.S. Lewis By Wayne Martindale & Jerry Root
24. Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz 
25. Slow Down Diet: Eating for Pleasure, Energy, & Weight Loss by Marc David
26. Working Toward Excellence: 8 Values for Achieving Uncommon Success in Work and Life by Paul Buyer
27. Yoga: Spirit & Practice of Moving Into Stillness by Erich Shiffman
28. Your Inner Awakening by Byron Katie

Crap, it's that time again.

I recently listened to someone interview Darren Hardy, publisher of SUCCESS magazine and author of The Compound Effect. 

In this interview Darren relayed an experience of attending a seminar as a young man wherein the speaker asked, "What's the percentage of effort that you have to give in a relationship (be it work, personal, etcetera) in order to have it be successful?" 

After participants tossed out numbers like 80/20; 50/50; 70/30 the speaker announced they were all wrong. Then he further clarified that the amount of effort any one particular person must give in any relationship for it to be successful, is 100/0. 

This story has really resonated with me. My take home message from this story was that if we hold back any amount of effort at all, then we aren't being fully invested. 

Success is based on one hundred percent effort, investment and persistent dedication. I'd like to add that this includes the relationship with ourselves as well. 

How often do you approach your relationships with others or yourself, in an attempt to improve it or take it to a new level, yet still hold something back? 

In my opinion the biggest hold-ups tend to be (but are not limited to): 

• resistance to change
• poorly perceived personal responsibility
• fear
• laziness
• lack of knowledge
• selfishness
• close mindedness

What in this list has a hold of you?  For me, it is the answer not shown - all of the above. I am, however, in the process of making changes. I like the direction I am headed. I am challenged. 

I've learned that whenever something becomes easy, that's when change needs to happen. Step it up a notch or really mix things up.

Not a fan of your current circumstance? For your information, in order to move past what's bugging you, something actually has to change. You actually have to do something different. 

In case you missed it, YOU have to make some changes; not your parents, spouse, kids, boss, whomever... YOU. Struggling? What has your "effort" ratio been lately? I know I have to adjust mine...again.

Well That Sucks

There isn't much that is picture perfect. I seem to discover this over and over. For the purpose of this blog post, I'll sum it up this way - positive attitude. 

Well it just sucks that you can't control everything that happens! You can't control other peoples responses or the decisions they make anymore than you can pray away another person's free agency or develop superhuman powers.

I can't tell you how many times over the last few years that I have learned to cope by simply saying "sucks to be me" or "sucks to be you" in lieu of a total breakdown or saying "get over it". 

Simply put, oftentimes it is what it is and half of the discomfort we face is the amount of energy we put into fighting something that just is or has already happened. It's done and you can't change it. However, you can change the way you look at it. 

You can change your perspective of what you can do now, regardless of what just happened. Meaning we now have to be determined to accept the situation or event in order to move beyond it. 

• Christopher Reeve broke his neck, lived as a broken-bodied man for several years and later died - sucked to be him! Yet, he still managed to change the lives of many and create a legacy of ability for the disabled. I'd say he successfully moved beyond his circumstance. 
• I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis... sucks to be me! Now what? What abilities do I have to work with and how can I use them to move beyond my current circumstance?
• A friend lost his job. Sucks to be him! Now what? What can he learn from the situation and find a new job?
• A friend broke her wrist in play, which interrupted her desired workout schedule. Sucks to be her! But guess what she discovered? Not all is lost, she can still exercise effectively, just modified for a time.
• My husband and I are suffering from sleep deprivation with our newborn. Sucks to be us! But this won't always be the case. What can we do now, to cope and get through this time?

I could go on with that list, but the point I'm getting at is - it's done and we have options on how to move forward. These things have happened or are happening. There may not always be a pleasant way out, but there is always a way through (loosely quoting Robert Frost here). What will you chose to do in order to get through?

My question to you is, do you embrace the fact that issues have been or are present, in order to move beyond them (in a healthy and positive way), or do you wallow in a state of never ending stasis; never getting over it enough to continue living? It all sucks! But you absolutely have a choice in how you respond to what's happening in your life. 

Gandhi really had it right when he said, "You must be the change you wish to see..." You don't like it? Change the way you think about it and move on in your best, most positive way, regardless of anyone or anything else. 

You will be a much happier person if you learn to surrender or discard that resentment, frustration and anger. Life is good, regardless of any bad that creeps in. One bad doesn't ruin all good. The good, most of the time, does outweigh the bad.

Here's a public challenge to be determined to see the good, so that you can recognize it more often. It can be done.

Doing Most Everything!

Question: What do you think of when you see the acronym DME? 

Depending on who you are and what you face daily, DME could be a Moscow airport, Digital Motor Electronics, a chemical solvent, a Canadian brewery, or if you are like me Durable Medical Equipment. 

The term seems relatively harmless. Individually the words are actually very strong, frequently used words. But for some reason when combined, Durable Medical Equipment tends to carry a hefty punch in the gut, especially when the term is used in relation your own personal abilities. I know because I've experienced it. 

I've had home health nurses hook me up to IV's and I've walked with a cane out of need. I already know what the transition of able bodied to "needing assistance" feels like. 

But it's the public stare you get with "disability" that can test your hope, motivation, and positive outlook; it can even alter your perception of self.

I have a dear friend, who is about my age, and she also has multiple sclerosis. She is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. She has a genuine sincerity and glow about her. 

My friend used to be a dancer; however, her legs no longer perform like a dancer's. But my dear friend is still living life fully. She has kids, a husband, she's a normal mom. 

She has things to do, activities with kids and family. She's also a patient advocate speaker. This last December we travelled back from our patient advocate conference together. 

I was assisting her through the airport by pushing her two-wheeled walker and transporting her carry-on bag, while someone from airport security wheeled her to our gate in a wheelchair. 

While walking through the airport she told me to look at people as we walk through the airport. She wanted me to notice how often people stared at me specifically while pushing her walker. 

I pushed her walker as though I needed it to walk. It was simply easier to move it and her bag that way. In all reality, it appeared as though I was using the walker out of need. 

Oh dear, people really do stare... sometimes people are so transparent that there's no guessing as to what they are thinking. 

I got stares when I used a cane - but not like this. I now know the look and feel of pitiable concern - I do not like it at all. After a while I found that it had negatively affected my spirit. 

I really wondered about my ability to cope with that situation, if my level of ability were to ever require "assistance". 

I have another friend that was in an accident in his early twenties and it left him a quadriplegic. I was talking with him not too long ago.  He's been in a wheelchair now for more of his life than he's been without one. 

He's now at the point where he doesn't personally view himself as "disabled". He's married, lives a very full life. Travels for work, for pleasure and yes there are always considerations that have to be made in order to do that, but it's second nature now for him - it's normal. He said he doesn't even notice all the stares very much anymore.

It may be a hard pride hit to go from your own ability to using a DME (cane, walker, wheelchair), but recently I've really liked my new take home message of what a DME is. 

To me they're not only canes, walkers, wheelchairs, catheters, and such. They are also shoes, railings, ramps, a steady hand, and trekking poles to name a few. Even more recently, they are running shoes, cooling vests, iPod, knee brace, ice and pillow. 

All of these things are designed to get you from one location to another or to assist you achieve a desired action. To help you keep living life, in whatever capacity you can currently participate.

My DME's (left to right): cane, running shoes,  running water belt,
trekking poles, sharps container, needles, porcupine massage ball, knee brace.

After evaluating both of my friends and their circumstances as noted above, I have decided that because of my accumulated DME, I am and already have been, Doing Most Everything. 

I know that when people had a fixed gaze on me while using my cane a few years ago, and while pushing my friend's walker through the airport, that judgments were being made. 

But even if I weren't using those things, judgments were still being made. We can't escape that in life, so why let those judgments define our own beliefs and abilities? 

This is where the Imaginary Villain (the ego) seeps into our life. It is also precisely when we must commit to live life without limits.

If my time comes to live life fully in a more modified fashion, I pray that you will help me remember that I am still Doing Most Everything, just in a different way. We all need this kind encouragement.