I had a communication experience recently that just sucked. It reminded me of a few other similar less effective communication experiences. Sometimes I lose my tact, skill, and timing. Don't we all?
The most frustrating thing about this is the realization that when I get to a certain level of frustration, I lose my confidence to express myself effectively. I get tongue-tied and typically say the absolute worst and or totally wrong thing.
It is at times like this that I revert to the way that the old Diana would respond and I shut down. I withdraw, I hide, I feel discounted and nearly worthless.
Then in my isolation I sit in it a bit and let it fester like a sliver that I have no intention of removing, because it might hurt if I do. Great logic, right?
While dwelling I can actually feel my blood pressure rise. My eyes generally begin to feel moist from tears that are either overflowing or being restrained to a near misting. I don't like this state.
It is while in this state that the new Diana plays peek-a-boo, by trying to recall that things like this happen and that I should continue to move forward, resolving to do better next time. It is good to understand why it happened and how it happened, but move on.
I'm glad I am no longer the old Diana, because something like this would send me into an isolated melancholy that would take days to emotionally emerge from. Even after that I would have a tip-toe behavior, because of course, it is all my fault and I desperately don't want it to happen again.
I don't like this tap dance of emotions. The dwelling, internal negative splinter, and withdrawal are unhealthy. Combined, it creates nothing but a vacuum of deadly emotions that go no where and fester beyond recognition.
Like a black hole, this cluster of emotions both pulls, press down, and traps anything within grasp. The emotional black hole creates a burden that is inescapable, if you are too close for too long. This does nothing but create a space that everyone tries to avoid.
The simple truth is that I'm tired. I am bloated. I was feeling a bit selfish and left out. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and uncomfortable. I am human. End result: I let my guard down and said almost all the wrong things. Who hasn't done this?
I am absolutely fine. I really truly am. Misunderstandings and miscommunication happen and I am not a black hole; nor do I need to become one.