The Fog

There was a particular few days during sixth grade that were unusually foggy. I walked nearly a mile to get to school with my younger sister, Rebecca. She was very nervous and scared; so was I.

In efforts to make the situation better for Rebecca, I pretended to be unafraid. I was surprised that she believed me. In hindsight, I think she needed so desperately to believe I was unafraid, that she ignored my struggling voice, shaky hands, and hurried demeanor.

I recall during that entire walk, that I felt like someone was following us. It was a very haunting feeling that would linger off and on not just that foggy week, but throughout my life.

Rebecca wasn’t insensitive for ignoring my feelings. I was 11 years old; she was three years younger. We were just kids and she needed a fearless big sister, so I did my best. But this memory brings to light the reality that at times, we are oblivious of others feelings, or are so consumed inward, that we do not see the people standing next to us that are also in the midst of something terrifying or overwhelming too.

There are also times when you are the one having to be strong, when on the inside you are screaming in the sinews. Sometimes you are the one standing in a fog, feeling uneasy, and feeling watched. Sadly, sometimes it doesn’t feel as though there is someone there to be fearless for you.

There have been many times in my life where I have felt like I have revisited this kind of foggy journey, alone.

I struggle with anxiety and panic. However, it’s absolutely amazing what you can do when there are rocks in the pit of your stomach, flowing tears, hair standing on end, and frenzied butterflies throughout the body.

Right now, I am listening to soothing bedtime music playing while my son is trying to fall asleep. I am alone and for some reason I feel the stirrings of anxiety knocking.

I am recalling the foggy sixth grade walk and the haunting feelings associated in some odd effort to deconstruct this shit that is internally boiling. And then it occurred to me, of course I would feel the presence of others in a fog. Even that day walking to school, Rebecca and I probably weren’t the only ones walking out there on the way to school - we just couldn’t see them. Why would simply living life be any different? I’m frequently oblivious.

If you drop the cognitive and emotional fog that I am in, I am surrounded. At this moment, in the next room is a sleeping five year old and at my feet are two totally cute dogs. Downstairs I have a tenant. Outside I have my neighbors. I just received a few texts from co-workers, a couple church friends, and two clients, etc.

Sometimes, like right now, I can swear that I feel the entrance of a spirit in the room. Call me crazy, but it feels so real. This spirit has one goal. That is to reach through the fog, hold my hand and let me know that I have nothing to fear.

Ah, could it be Rebecca who is here to hold my hand? Is that why I am recalling this fog story? She passed away a few years ago. What a sweet thing if it is her.

Dropping major pounds and keeping it off

I would like to challenge the idea that losing a large amounts of weight is about 10% exercise and 90% nutrition. Though this is idea can get you far and it can alter negative behaviors, and certainly create huge changes.

However, I believe that losing a large amount of weight (and keeping it off) is more about: 10% exercise, 40% nutrition, 50% facing what you've been avoiding. This is what is commonly branded as behavior modification and/or change; but I want to take it farther and delve deeper into the specifics.

Regarding disease in this matter. Disease complicates, but it does not stop these efforts.

~ It is a cumulative affect not and immediate result. ~

10% Exercise
Simply getting up and reducing your sedentary lifestyle can work wonders. Then image what could happen if you added purposefully exercise bouts via specific cardiovascular  efforts, strength efforts, flexibility challenges, or all of the above.

Humans are amazing and most of us only use 10% or our brains. What would have if we really devoted 10%  of our efforts to fitness - it is amazing what changes this can bring. Simply making plans to be slightly more active during the day in some way would go very far to making some big changes.

40% Nutrition
If you put crappy fuel into a performance vehicle, in a very short time the performance vehicle would start to run like a rusty Volvo from the 60's with broken windshield wipers. Likewise, if you eat poorly or imbalanced you break, swell, barely inching forward, with very little ability to assist others around you - let alone yourself.

The absolute biggest issue I see in this area as a fitness professional is inadequate hydration, crazy high sugar intake, and sodium intake that is off the charts.

50% Facing What You've Been Avoiding
Addiction: Obsessions.
Anger: Grudge.
Betrayal.
Fear (selfishness).
Habit.
Laziness (a.k.a, disbelief).
Trauma.
Memories of what "used to be".
Being motivational hampered by too much futuristic thinking.

The root of many of the problems I see clients (and myself) facing, seem to stem from one of the following:
Lack of perceived social acceptance.
Lack of commitment or motivation = no follow through.
Poor or unrealistic goal making.
Pride.
Persistent negative self talk.
Unexplored and unresolved issues.
Not using support resources.

Now, of course there are many serious medical issues that some of this doesn't apply to. However, the greatest of all interruptions that I have professionally seen on this topic, have not been from major health issues. I strongly encourage those in the pursuit of serious weight-loss, to also companion their efforts with a mental health professional, support group, or a highly supportive confidant, while perusing such "weighty" matters.

Let It Be

Have you ever had to wait for something that couldn't be hurried along? Did the waiting require sitting in complete discomfort of the unknown? Did the waiting require unrelenting prayer?

At moments did you find yourself scrambling for any amount of control in absolutely anything, because what mattered most was well beyond controllable?

When in this state, do you hold your breath frequently? Clench or grind your teeth maybe? 

How about your stomach, is it in knots and the entire world seems to keep turning while you're somehow stuck in a state of pensive stasis?

Are you filled with anxiety, panic, or being so overwhelmed about the future that you can't live in the present.
                                  
I've found that I frequently have to surrender, in order to move beyond this state of mind and physical stress that it can cause. It is very difficult to do.

I have to stop forcing and seeking control. I have to surrender to what is and fight myself from creating a negative interpretative spin. 

Instead, I have to search and seek for the simplest and most non-ego based answer and then surrender to it.

I find that when I am in this state of internal struggle, I often think of The Beatles song, "Let It Be" or Now We are Free from the Gladiator soundtrack.

We are stronger and more capable than we think we are.

What helps you when in this place?

Living By Design

Some things simply happen, other things we dream would happen, but everything else we make happen. This is called living by design.

I intermittently suffer from panic and anxiety. It can be crippling at times. On days when it is really bad there is a level of paranoia that I must contend with as well. Panic, anxiety, and paranoia are not a pleasant combination of emotions. I am not embarrassed to admit this, it just is.

Since I have taken a more active role in creating and meeting goals, I have been able to shift my focus from the scary unknown things that I cannot control and instead let in the light from the known things, in order to change my troubled perceptions. 

Easier said than done, yet persistent practice is an amazing tool for any talent that you wish to develop. It is the same with the mind.

Because I struggle in this way, I have become more vocal about sharing tips and tricks that have helped me to see life from a different vantage point and to regain a persistently positive light in my life. 

I now understand that there are a few things in this life that we really do have control over. Consistent and persistent practice makes all of these much more tangible. 

• Thoughts (internal self-talk)
• Words (external self-talk or social interactions)
• Beliefs (willingness to be receptive/open to others' beliefs)
• Response (pausing, thinking, then speaking; stripping the ego from the response)
• Determination (never give up; pause, take a break, rethink the approach; try again)
• Focus (enlightening vs. titillating)
• Kindness (Smile! Say "thank you" and "please.")
• Positive behaviors (Be the kind of person your family and friends think you are.)
• Presence (active listening; face-to-face time with eye-contact; reduce distractions like phone, TV, etc.)

Oftentimes every single one of these require a deep breath, a brief pause, and a little prayer.

As I have tried to incorporate these elements in my daily life, I have been able to live more in the present; reducing the amount of time dwelling in the past and too much worry over the future.

These behaviors have brought a greater focus and implementation of successful behaviors in order to achieve goals. I allow myself to think forward, in a positive manner, to generate a macro-goal list. 

I then break down the big picture and generate a linear micro-goals list. Doing and achieving the little things has long since been a successful way to accomplishing the big ticket goals. It is about conditioning, in order to promote progression.

What would happen to our world if we were all more persistent in living by design in this manner? I think I would like to find out.

Your thoughts?

Foggy Places and Rainy Days

I have vivid memories of a particularly dense fog that loomed over the Salt Lake Valley sometime during 1985.

The fog seemed the most thick while walking to school in the early morning hours. I had to walk to school with my younger sister Rebecca. Our school at that time was a mile away from home.

Rebecca was scared and walked very slow. I was annoyed and frustrated at first. The next day I realized that her fear was very real to her and she wasn't just making it up to bother me.

She was terrified that her field of vision was so limited. Rebecca was afraid that something truly dangerous was lurking in the fog and it was coming out to get her.

When it rained she was noticeably happier and energetic. When the fog again returned it felt almost as though the fog had also settled inside Rebecca and not just around her.

The fog was so persistent that eventually Rebecca became acclimated to it and it seemed to no longer affect her so severely. She was different though.

It wasn't long after that time that a different hazard surrounded Rebecca; now she was in a difficult and more brutal long-term fog. She would have to fight for her life for many years. 

Sometimes she was leery and cautious of the figurative impact of the dirt in the air around her, "the fog"; other times she was willfully oblivious of it. 

I am now speaking of the negative influence of filthy neighborhood kids, other bad influences, curiosity, molestation, and eventually drugs and alcohol.

The grotesque fog that settled on Rebecca lingered for the next twenty years. For many of those years I was frustrated with her, not fully understanding the dangers that had crept into her life from that same nasty foggy mess that seemed to constantly be her around.

Then I understood the fears, her reactions, and the way she handled the traumas in her life. It was all very warranted, very real, very scary, and her various responses were just as unique as she was.

I loved her, I had many great times and created fantastic memories with her. I also have hated her and not wanted to be around her.

I have laughed with her, I have cried with her, I have learned from her, and I have admired her. I have prayed for her, I have picked her up when she was down. I have been down and been buoyed up by her energy and creativity many times.

I miss sleepovers, late night Phase 10 tournaments, licorice-straws in soda, and cutting out pictures of our favorite famous people from magazines. I desperately miss sharing music and making up songs at the piano together.

I hate the fog that is created by others. It scares me now. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I want to feel. The only way I've been able to navigate it emotionally, has been to pray fervently and to constantly seek out good things.

I believe in a Supreme Being, a Father in Heaven, and I believe that this Being can indeed literally pull the fog out of us, if we let him. Trusting and submitting to the Supreme is like experiencing a good rain; clearing up bad air.

Fog, otherwise known as the darkness created by poor choices by us and others must be allowed to exist, so long as there is agency. The power to choose is ours and those choices certainly can affect others around us.

But this filth that gets kicked up and carried around in the air does not have to exist inside of me if I don't permit it to. I have that choice.

Rebecca made such amazing and tremendous improvements the last several years; especially 2012 until her passing this last May. 

At age 35, Rebecca suddenly passed away. Her body had been through enough and it had rejected the medications used to help her function... her body just simply stopped working. 

Her death was a merciful thing, I think. Rather than living in extreme pain and somehow making it through, she is now free from her pains. 

Her passing came at a high point in her life. What better time to go, right? Her fog has certainly lifted.

I can't help but feel happy for her. Though I miss her, I also feel that she is truly at peace. She deserves that. 

In some way, I sort of feel like she is the one now that is leading me  safely through the fog that comes and goes throughout life. 

I believe that she has joined a team of cheerleaders that surround me. They keep me from allowing any particular dirtiness from creating a fog that's too dense for me to navigate through.

I admire the vantage point and understanding that the dead must have on the living. 

I believe that when it is my turn to return to my Father in Heaven that created me, that I will be greeted by my cheerleaders; Rebecca, certainly first among them... knowing her, she wouldn't permit it any other way.

Writing this feels really good. It has been a healing reflection.

Embracing the Ache

Sometimes life events cause the body, soul, and mind to ache beyond description. This experience can be best understood when loss has been experienced. 

In order to heal and reduce the aching, it is requisite to go into that space repeatedly. In other words, embracing the ache. 

Embracing the ache sucks, but when it subsides it's possible to realize just how much healing has occurred.  

It's sometimes a surreal feeling; to transition from feeling that it's almost too painful to even breathe to then turn some invisible corner and find peaceful acceptance.

I have been experiencing this over the last few months. It feels almost as if I've been living in a blur; a very painful to breathe kind of blur.

During this time it has been comforting to have memories of good times. The thrill of a run or simply talking about memories with close friends and family. A good nights sleep that wasn't interrupted by tears.

I couldn't write for a time, because I felt blocked. I feel a little more free now. My heart isn't as heavy. I still miss those that have passed away very much, chiefly my sister from this last May. 

I have been listening to some of her favorite music and that has been a tremendous connection and healer. 

Turn it off!

Have you ever been so surrounded by the white-noise of life that you feel a constant nagging and yet undefined agitation?

This is what happens to me when I don't get quiet time to simply reflect and think. This time is sacred and requires being unplugged and push notifications turned off. 

For me, the best meditation and reflection time typically occurs either running or with my favorite pen in hand, paper nearby and either on a beautiful walk or sitting in an awesomely comfortable chair.

If I don't get quality time like that I feel lost, frustrated, and internally angry. I don't think I realized how critical this time is for me until recently. 

Having just spent time on a little vacation to Mexico at beautiful resort, I had some of this reflection time. It came in fits and starts while still needing to be a mom and a wife, but I was able to get more of this reflection time than normal.

I learned something during this time that was critical to know. Yes, I need a moment in time for inner reflection and it can certainly happen in 5-10 minutes. 

I just need to be more willing to surrender to that time, rather than fighting for more - thinking that quantity is more valuable than quality.

I also learned how I have used stupid apps to numb the void I feel inside when I don't take a quality 5-10 minutes to myself. That constant numbing wastes so much time and makes us oblivious to amazing experiences that can only be seen after pressing the off button.

These are important things to learn and rediscover throughout life. This practice is a good mental health check. 

Going With The Flow

Have you ever been in a circumstance where you could clearly see that "the moment" would be a source of real change? You know where recognition of something becomes the point of no return?

I've hit that tipping point a few times. My favorite is when I tried to run from a relationship because I was scared. 

Instead of breaking up (like I had intended), he asked me to marry him. Without thought or reservation I said "yes!" In that moment I realized I meant it. It has been an adventurous twelve years for sure; a good adventure!

What about other times? This point of no return moment has happened with job changes, death, education pursuits, starting a family, building relationships, leaving relationships, and so on.

What about those times when you recognize change is happening, but you just don't know what it is. You know that weird time where things in general have gone from comfortable to awkward?

I feel awkward. I feel definitive pulls to go this way, to do that thing, focus here, put effort there. I also feel real obstacles every step of the way. It's like I am in a game of chess, without being privy to or having a total vantage point of the board. I also realize that I'm not supposed to either.

It is like I have a blindfold on and being subjected to a test of some sort. So what do you do in these moments? 

I have no idea. But I do know what I am going to do about it.

I've decided to live life anyway. I am doing well. I am making good decisions that are appropriate for what is in front of me. Why should a looming, unknown outcome change my course?

The natural ebb and flux of life, mixed with a little unknown nudging will put me just right where I need to be... right? So, I live. I take care of obligations. I stick with commitments. All while feeling a little uneasy. And so it goes... 

IF

I have forced entertainment to numb the white noise of my brain. Loud music, movies, and sometimes both at the same time. 

A few different times, I've even had both music and movie going at the same time in order to occupy the rowdy part of my brain, in hopes that the distraction would permit me to focus on reading a book that I needed to understand.

There have been a small handful of times in my life where I was over-numb though. Gosh those are freaky and surreal moments. I was so numb that I was oblivious to everything happening around me.

There have also been times where I have been surprised that the world didn't stop in observance of how my life had just changed (good or bad): cars drove by, people were laughing, dogs were barking, there was a flurry of movement, people obnoxiously loud on their cell phones talking about nothing.

Some of the greatest moments of understanding though have been in the stillness of chaos. Picture a topspin toy moving so fast it appears as though the very center is perfectly still.

I suppose the reason I stay so busy and active is to search for the moment in chaos when clarity manifests; even a split second of calm and understanding has been worth it. I do this because in that very moment some of the most amazing understanding and healing occurs.

This kind of moment just happened to me three times in one day on September 17th:

1st Experience
I've been worn out and running on fumes. I've been struggling with comprehension and needing to study for some continuing education courses that I am taking. I have a crazy, busy, and HEALTHY fifteen month old son. 

I travelled to speak at an event I was invited to, it was at "the big I.F." as locals call it, otherwise known as Idaho Falls, ID. I arrived at my hotel, walked into my room and found a spectacular view as well as very pleasing accommodations. 

The Clarity Received: I literally stood and communed with God and myself. I found tremendous strength and healing in just a few minutes. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and a sense that all was well. 

Have you ever experienced a time wherein something happened relatively quickly, but during the moment it felt longer because so much happened in just a small amount of magical time?

The picture of view doesn't do it justice, but I took some pictures of the captivating scene from my hotel room. After a time I couldn't help but go for a run out on the trail shown in the picture.

The building in the picture is the Idaho Falls Temple
that belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

2nd Experience
I met a couple at the event this night. While speaking with them I learned that they had a stillborn child at the end of June and two weeks later the husband had a major exacerbation and diagnosed quickly with multiple sclerosis. 

They were overwhelmed, hurting, and terrified. The Clarity Received: In this moment I felt an overwhelming outpouring and feeling of compassion.

The right words came to me. I don't know what I said, but I knew it had been important and valuable to that couple. It felt good to see that they received a little bit of hope that night.

3rd Experience
The evening closed with perfect temperatures and another amazing view. I sat for the longest time drinking herbal tea in the September chill of God's embrace.

The Clarity Received: It was nice to have the white noise of life quite for a time. I was at total peace and calm. That was a beautiful day. 

Bravery

Turning pages, pausing to comprehend, writing to articulate in my own words, then comparing the figures with the text once more... Trying to absorb the information on how various muscles of the body are innervated. What the plexus does this do!?

It was at this time when a total stranger told me that I am brave. She said it because I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, and I was alone.

I was there to study and eat dinner because I hadn't been able to focus on my studies at home. So while husband and son were at home bonding, I studied at the library and then I relocated to study over dinner. 

Brave? What about this made me brave? Then I recalled a time in my life when there was no way that I would subject myself to being alone in public and eating dinner in a big booth.

Being alone in public, particularly while dining is a scary place to be for many people. When you feel this way about yourself, there is nothing more frightening than to be "publicly alone" - after all, if I believe no one wants to be around me, I must be a scary person and here I am alone with a very scary person. Agh!

But I'm not scary. The woman who commented to me that she could never do that, isn't scary. However, the perception that she is scary is incredibly real to her. 

Have you ever isolated yourself, hid yourself from public view because you were embarrassed of yourself? What if you say something silly? What will people think of you? For some people this is downright crippling.

I actually have many memories of ordering a large amount of take-out with the intention of eating it myself. At the time of pick-up for this food, I would ask for two packets of silverware, just to hide from a stranger that I would be eating the contents all by myself when I got home.

I ate to fill an emotional void inside of me. I ate a lot, in an attempt to not feel so alone.

The bravest thing I have ever done was to look at myself in the mirror and try to learn to love me. After doing that, sitting at a booth alone in a restaurant is not uncomfortable at all.

I am not a scary person. This woman who said I was brave, is not a scary person. We are beautiful people searching for a connection, meaning, and a purpose in life. 

We may not be picture perfect. We might have some social awkwardness and insecurity. 

It took practice to learn to like me. It took patience and tolerance to learn to love me.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one to have. God loves you as you are, why can't you? Why do we give up so quickly on ourselves? 

If you were incapacitated, it would just be you and your body - alone. Would you be kind to yourself in that state of mind and body? It is at times like this that I think of people like my Grandmother.

Grandma had a series of strokes. A beautiful, kind and caring woman. Left without words. Unable to care for herself. What did she think of? I sincerely hope she thought kind things about herself.

There were times I could see a flash of humor and a smirk come across her face. I love the idea that in that state she still found a way to laugh. Now that is bravery.

All of this reminds me of a Dustin Hoffman clip wherein speaking of his character Tootsie, Hoffman addressed how external beauty, as dictated by society, can affect our interest in getting to know a person.

Stepping away from what society says and accepting others regardless of their appearance and apparent awkwardness, especially in public is brave. Have you ever been the one accepted or rejected while in an awkward phase? Have you been the one to accept another?

Be brave - always.

Stopping The Black Hole

I had a communication experience recently that just sucked. It reminded me of a few other similar less effective communication experiences. Sometimes I lose my tact, skill, and timing. Don't we all? 

The most frustrating thing about this is the realization that when I get to a certain level of frustration, I lose my confidence to express myself effectively. I get tongue-tied and typically say the absolute worst and or totally wrong thing. 

It is at times like this that I revert to the way that the old Diana would respond and I shut down. I withdraw, I hide, I feel discounted and nearly worthless. 

Then in my isolation I sit in it a bit and let it fester like a sliver that I have no intention of removing, because it might hurt if I do. Great logic, right? 

While dwelling I can actually feel my blood pressure rise. My eyes generally begin to feel moist from tears that are either overflowing or being restrained to a near misting. I don't like this state. 

It is while in this state that the new Diana plays peek-a-boo, by trying to recall that things like this happen and that I should continue to move forward, resolving to do better next time. It is good to understand why it happened and how it happened, but move on.

I'm glad I am no longer the old Diana, because something like this would send me into an isolated melancholy that would take days to emotionally emerge from. Even after that I would have a tip-toe behavior, because of course, it is all my fault and I desperately don't want it to happen again.

I don't like this tap dance of emotions. The dwelling, internal negative splinter, and withdrawal are unhealthy. Combined, it creates nothing but a vacuum of deadly emotions that go no where and fester beyond recognition. 

Like a black hole, this cluster of emotions both pulls, press down, and traps anything within grasp. The emotional black hole creates a burden that is inescapable, if you are too close for too long. This does nothing but create a space that everyone tries to avoid.

The simple truth is that I'm tired. I am bloated. I was feeling a bit selfish and left out. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and uncomfortable. I am human. End result: I let my guard down and said almost all the wrong things. Who hasn't done this?

I am absolutely fine. I really truly am. Misunderstandings and miscommunication happen and I am not a black hole; nor do I need to become one.

Crap, it's that time again.

I recently listened to someone interview Darren Hardy, publisher of SUCCESS magazine and author of The Compound Effect. 

In this interview Darren relayed an experience of attending a seminar as a young man wherein the speaker asked, "What's the percentage of effort that you have to give in a relationship (be it work, personal, etcetera) in order to have it be successful?" 

After participants tossed out numbers like 80/20; 50/50; 70/30 the speaker announced they were all wrong. Then he further clarified that the amount of effort any one particular person must give in any relationship for it to be successful, is 100/0. 

This story has really resonated with me. My take home message from this story was that if we hold back any amount of effort at all, then we aren't being fully invested. 

Success is based on one hundred percent effort, investment and persistent dedication. I'd like to add that this includes the relationship with ourselves as well. 

How often do you approach your relationships with others or yourself, in an attempt to improve it or take it to a new level, yet still hold something back? 

In my opinion the biggest hold-ups tend to be (but are not limited to): 

• resistance to change
• poorly perceived personal responsibility
• fear
• laziness
• lack of knowledge
• selfishness
• close mindedness

What in this list has a hold of you?  For me, it is the answer not shown - all of the above. I am, however, in the process of making changes. I like the direction I am headed. I am challenged. 

I've learned that whenever something becomes easy, that's when change needs to happen. Step it up a notch or really mix things up.

Not a fan of your current circumstance? For your information, in order to move past what's bugging you, something actually has to change. You actually have to do something different. 

In case you missed it, YOU have to make some changes; not your parents, spouse, kids, boss, whomever... YOU. Struggling? What has your "effort" ratio been lately? I know I have to adjust mine...again.

Well That Sucks

There isn't much that is picture perfect. I seem to discover this over and over. For the purpose of this blog post, I'll sum it up this way - positive attitude. 

Well it just sucks that you can't control everything that happens! You can't control other peoples responses or the decisions they make anymore than you can pray away another person's free agency or develop superhuman powers.

I can't tell you how many times over the last few years that I have learned to cope by simply saying "sucks to be me" or "sucks to be you" in lieu of a total breakdown or saying "get over it". 

Simply put, oftentimes it is what it is and half of the discomfort we face is the amount of energy we put into fighting something that just is or has already happened. It's done and you can't change it. However, you can change the way you look at it. 

You can change your perspective of what you can do now, regardless of what just happened. Meaning we now have to be determined to accept the situation or event in order to move beyond it. 

• Christopher Reeve broke his neck, lived as a broken-bodied man for several years and later died - sucked to be him! Yet, he still managed to change the lives of many and create a legacy of ability for the disabled. I'd say he successfully moved beyond his circumstance. 
• I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis... sucks to be me! Now what? What abilities do I have to work with and how can I use them to move beyond my current circumstance?
• A friend lost his job. Sucks to be him! Now what? What can he learn from the situation and find a new job?
• A friend broke her wrist in play, which interrupted her desired workout schedule. Sucks to be her! But guess what she discovered? Not all is lost, she can still exercise effectively, just modified for a time.
• My husband and I are suffering from sleep deprivation with our newborn. Sucks to be us! But this won't always be the case. What can we do now, to cope and get through this time?

I could go on with that list, but the point I'm getting at is - it's done and we have options on how to move forward. These things have happened or are happening. There may not always be a pleasant way out, but there is always a way through (loosely quoting Robert Frost here). What will you chose to do in order to get through?

My question to you is, do you embrace the fact that issues have been or are present, in order to move beyond them (in a healthy and positive way), or do you wallow in a state of never ending stasis; never getting over it enough to continue living? It all sucks! But you absolutely have a choice in how you respond to what's happening in your life. 

Gandhi really had it right when he said, "You must be the change you wish to see..." You don't like it? Change the way you think about it and move on in your best, most positive way, regardless of anyone or anything else. 

You will be a much happier person if you learn to surrender or discard that resentment, frustration and anger. Life is good, regardless of any bad that creeps in. One bad doesn't ruin all good. The good, most of the time, does outweigh the bad.

Here's a public challenge to be determined to see the good, so that you can recognize it more often. It can be done.

Ungaurd! Un-guard... On Guard?

I've been staring at the air, then compelled to sit at this keyboard, then I've glanced repeatedly all around me. I'm worried about nothing in particular. 

I'm alone. I'm scared, but not sure why. I have heart palpitations and a roller coaster ride happening in my stomach; there is no reason behind it. Some call this panic, but I'm not certain.

I logically know that all is well, yet, there is unease. I'm certain I'm not the only one who has been in this place. There's no reason for me to be a visitor of this paralyzed state of being. I don't like it. I don't want it. Yet, I'm here. 

I feel invisible cogs on an invisible wheel turning swiftly - as if it has influence over my future... yet, I'm powerless to change it. It's as if the air around me is blowing - swiftly changing my course, yet everything is eerily still. 

Something has moved. Something has changed. And the trigger effect, the chain reaction, just hasn't hit me yet. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it a little of both? I just don't know.

The rational person inside of me says, "You're just being paranoid." 

Yet, personal intuition says, "No. What you are feeling is the effects of real change from another person, making their own choice. This decision acts like a rock skipping across a pond and in time it will actually affect the air in your personal space. You felt this because change is indeed coming; prepare."

The irrational person simply wants to crawl in a corner and hide from the unknown. The present person reviews the events and decides she can't change a thing at the moment.

So, I log off and go downstairs to put the nervous energy, the unfounded worry into a workout, hoping to forget what has or hasn't just happened.

When the Superman Band-Aid Doesn't Hold

So, I panic from time to time. Finding a way to get a grip on the irrational emotions that occur during that time is a tough job. 

There have been some interesting times in my life, and because of it, I've had the following terms used on me: mild OCD, panic disorder, PTSD. 

My response to them all back in the day was "woe is me", but now it's more akin to "bite me!" How many acronyms can a single person be labeled with? 

Hi, I'm Diana BS MS PT ICD9 340 ICD10 G35 OCD PTSD... and on and on and... Forget that! I've been labeled enough. Can't a person just be sad anymore?

Simply put, I've got issues, but who doesn't? I've got to deal with them and I refuse to hide behind or excuse the issues because of my labels. 

I also refuse to let labels and treatments desensitize me from the responsibility of corrective behavior; especially when I do have control over at least that much. 

Medicine is appropriate in the right setting, but that's not all that I should rely upon. So many people think that, because you have swallowed a pill, you've been absolved from doing anything else about the situation. 

I would like to submit that treating "the problem" by milligrams alone is essentially like putting on a band-aid with poor adhesive qualities.

I'm fascinated by the mind-body connection. I've begun to understand just how powerful a role it has played in my life; it's been empowering to know that though I may be irrational at times, I still have some semblance of control over my response(s). 

Not long ago I read something that got me really thinking - it was in Aine Tubridy’s book, When Panic Attacks. She was talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I realized that what she had written about actually held the key to understanding normal fear and anxiety. 

Normal meaning, you live and breathe, therefore sadness will happen occasionally and you may even freak out from time to time because of it. 

Tubridy talks about the primitive fear response that is the basis of all panic, which can be good sometimes:

"[The aim of fear] is not only to prompt you to find safety, but it will remain in place until it is certain that the danger is over and that you will not be exposed to a similar experience before you have fully recovered. Once you are out of danger, the focus shifts to a risk of a future occurrence. Your internal bodyguard means to see that you don’t become complacent or relaxed for some time yet, to ensure that you stay ‘on alert’ should the danger return unexpectedly - the alarm will only cease when your primitive brain is completely satisfied that you are not in danger any longer and that adequate safety measures have been put in place for the future."

What I get out of this is that you have to prove to the primitive brain that the danger no longer exists - only then, will it stop the fear. And sometimes the fear may linger because the situation is prolonged. 

In some of those situations your life may not be in danger, but the brain perceives that it is; simply because it's in a state of unrest. In other words, you're not where you would like to be.

I can't tell you how many times over the years that I've read from multiple resources that the final say comes from the brain. 

In his book, Life Strategies, Dr. Phil McGraw said something to the effect of the following: When it's announced that one political party takes control of the Senate, it's not bad news, it's not even good news, it's just news. 

The pros and cons of the situation aren't assigned until an individual interpretation is applied. Even then, it's still just news. The mind still has the final say of how that information is going to affect you. Y-O-U still get to decide how you will respond to whatever comes your way.

This life is about our responses to the ebb and flow of circumstances that we experience. 

Labeled or not, medicated or not, 

we still get to decide what we do about it.

I've had a really long and really crappy week. The days have been packed with insecurity and frustration. But this week is also over, yeah! 

I also have had moments of joy while serving others, seeing family and seeing some neat people at work that I seldom get to see. The positives of this week really do outweigh the negatives. 

In any case, I'm really thankful for my pillow and I think I will go let my head sink into it. I look forward to a good long run tomorrow. You know what? I'm amazed I'm even running. Yes, these will be good dreams tonight; very good indeed.

Messed in the Head

I haven't wanted to admit it, but I do struggle with the marbles rolling around in my brain and I'm tired of feeling afraid of the things that I have been experiencing... um, the downright freakishness that is occurring. 

The "freaky" I'm talking about is called cognitive dysfunction. The kind of stuff I am experiencing are things I had anticipated dealing with much later in life (way far down the road), as part of the natural aging process. 

There are also other things that I hadn't anticipated struggling with at all - these things have me the most nervous - scared. I'm thirty-six (I think)... yes, I am, I just did the math... but cognitively, well, I'm older and struggling. 

To the people that I work with, friends and family I hang out with - you may have not noticed any issues, but they are there. 

If you haven't noticed, then either I'm hiding it well or you are caught up in your own world. If this is the case, I'm sorry for not having noticed whatever the heck it is that you are dealing with... (sigh)... we all have something don't we? But I hope you are well.

Because of the freakiness that I've been experiencing, I've decided that I need to stretch my mind a bit. So, I am heading back to school; classes start this next week. 

I already have a bachelor's degree and I'm already quite settled in a profession, but that doesn't mean I don't need to challenge myself. 

The local community college offers a series of classes that fit right up my alley with regards to a few of the short and long term goals that I have planned for myself. 

Another reason I am doing this is to combat my fears regarding the cognitive dysfunction I have been experiencing in relation to my multiple sclerosis. 

"But you look so good, Diana!" I, like the rest of the world, have challenges that are not always visible. Part of the cruel challenges of MS are the things that others can't see. But that is the same with life in general, isn't it?

I use silence and deliberate speech to process things that I should have comprehended sooner. I need a few minutes to myself periodically throughout the day to breathe, review and absorb what has happened. 

This is how I am able to avert the panic that occurs with confusion as I'm trying to comprehend stuff. It hasn't always been like this and it may not always be like this either, but for now - the issues are present. 

So, I'm going back to school. Throwing myself part-time into a structured learning environment to learn some things that will be of great benefit to me. 

I figured that if I were to take classes that will help me achieve some of my goals, then I will be more patient with the cognitive frustrations that I am currently facing. 

I'm going to be taking one or two classes at a time and just taking whatever time I need to do them.

All of these courses will challenge me in some way or another, as well as help me gain insight, all while achieving other goals that I have a sincere interest in. 

If I start randomly swearing at you in the next few months, please forgive me and gently remind me that I made this choice, and in the long run, it will be very beneficial.

... any willing tutors out there for Human Biology, Kinesiology and/or Exercise Physiology?

Poetry Corner: An Imaginary Villain

We've all been here at one time or another... or now. 

An Imaginary Villain

Subconsciously

I interrogate myself,

by manipulating the eyes of others

to tell my deepest fears

admit my worst wrongs

to judge

by reading too much 

into an onlooker's gaze.

I create

I mistake

I adjudicate

my own follies

and displace my own disgust, 

standing victimized

allowing guilt to be provoked

by an outsider's glance.

My head drops,

succumbing to the weight

of worthlessness - 

chained, locked away 
again;

because that's where I tell myself

I belong.

By Diana M. Bateman

2006 ©

Why do we work so hard to put ourselves in this bad place? We are all worth more than this... The truth is that we are all uniquely amazing, whether you believe it or not. 

Mirror Therapy

I've mentioned this term "Mirror Therapy" in a few of my posts before.  I would like to explain what the heck it is and why I do it.  

I'm not certain if this is something that someone else has already discovered or patented as a therapy method or not, but this I discovered on my own.  It has made all the difference.

First you must understand that I am a liar; primarily to myself.  I have decided that there are many things that I have told myself and have believed that simply aren't true.  

I have wanted to undo the damage that I thought others had done to me, but I have come to find out that it was mostly me that had done the damage.  

Sure others have affected me, but the bulk of the things I believed and told myself were self-perpetuated.  I didn't really get that until just a few years ago.

One day during a workout, I found that anger fueled the routine.  I was angry because I had received many compliments over the past few weeks and months about how good I looked.  

I encountered sheer amazement from others about the weight I had lost; some hadn't even recognized me.  I was so angry that others could see the changes, but I couldn't.  

I felt the changes, but couldn't honestly see them myself - so that's totally not healthy, right?  I was angry enough that I quit my workout and was about to leave my home gym.  

As I was headed to the door, I looked in the big mirror and saw a picture of Jesse Owens hanging behind me.  I have admired this picture since I was in Junior High School.  

Then I looked above the mirror and saw the stenciled script that Josh and I put above the mirror.  It says, "Believe In Yourself".  I then looked in the mirror and wondered if Jesse Owens ever doubted himself in preparation for the Olympics.  

The day before this I had just finished reading some material about Abraham Lincoln.  I learned about his personal struggles that ran concurrent with the amazing things that he accomplished as the President of the United States.  

There was a ton of things that raced through my head at that moment.  I simply couldn't leave the room yet.  I got on the inversion table, which is right by the mirror and felt compelled to look in the mirror as I was hanging upside down.

While hanging by my feet I looked in the mirror and told myself that I refused to leave that room until I could see something new and good about me. 

I found something interesting... I couldn't look myself in the eyes.  I was looking at me, but my eyes never met.  The experience of looking at my own eyes was like walking on thick ice, it was so slippery I couldn't make contact.

After quite some time of trying to make eye contact with myself, I gave up and looked elsewhere.  I eventually saw the contour of my jaw line.  

It wasn't puffy like I normally see when I look in the mirror.  I had a jaw line and it was defined!  Well that was new!  Recognizing this certainly counted as seeing something new and I promptly got off the inversion table and got the heck out of that uncomfortable situation. 

What's up with that? I was uncomfortable and it was just me!  I realized that was simply not right.  How much damage had I done?  As I was walking up stairs, I said aloud to myself, "Damn it, I'm worth more than that!"  

That announcement startled me.  It startled me that I said it, I believed it, and I was secretly hoping that Josh wasn't home and had heard me.

I contemplated that experience for several days.  I found myself compelled after each workout to get on the inversion table and commence looking into the mirror, until I could see something new and good about myself.  

I repeatedly rediscovered my jaw line and over time other features.  I discovered and rediscovered time and time again, but I couldn't make eye contact.  

How could this be?  I do my hair and make-up every day.  I am looking at myself!  Over time, I learned that I actually wasn't looking at myself, I was looking around, but not at me.  

It was nearly three months later that I was able to make eye contact for about thirty seconds.  It was then that I realized why it was so hard to do.  

I have lied to myself for so long and honestly disliked myself so much that I was afraid to make eye contact and actually see that I was the problem.  I was the liar.  

I was the one that had done so much damage, by telling myself things that simply weren't true.  It was after this experience that I committed to myself not to leave the gym until I had made eye contact with myself.  

I usually discovered or rediscovered something about myself long before I could make eye contact.  I learned that if I could just make eye contact, I could see if I had been lying to myself that day or not.  

I could fix the damage that had been done that day, by having a real heart-to-heart with myself once eye contact was made.  It is extremely difficult to lie to yourself, when you are HONESTLY seeing yourself.  

After a time I learned that my little therapy sessions were a two-part kind of deal.  There was the Physical Mirror Therapy (seeing the physical me as it is) and the Mental Mirror Therapy (seeing me for who I really am inside).  

Over time I had learned that I am no good to anyone else, until I am good and of value to myself.  

Can you make eye contact with yourself?  What do you see?  If you can and the effect is positive,  I am so proud of you!  I encourage you to see the good, the lovely, the truth again and again for all of your life.  

If you can't make eye contact, try until you can, so that you can undo the lies and breathe freely every day.  Get to know yourself, discover the beauty of who you really are.  

There's not a single soul on this earth, no matter what they have done, who doesn't deserve to see who they really are and then make the necessary changes to have their behavior match their inner beauty.  

This is one of the places where peace is found.  This is one of the places where we can find the strength and courage to make lasting changes.  I would encourage you to see and then believe.