Free

For so long my lungs and my heart have felt burdened by life, doubt, negativity, and then I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. The pressure increased and it became harder to simply breathe.

In contrast, there is a brief moment when my lungs feel so incredibly light. 

In this particular moment most everything seems effortless - marriage, homework, finances, doubt... responsibilities of every kind. Even my body works better for a time.

If you had something that therapeutic and pleasurable, wouldn't you seek it out? Wouldn't you find a way to repeat it? This is why I lace up my shoes and willingly skip sleep to seek out perfect temperatures. 

What am I running toward? 

Peace. 

What do I run from? 

The burdens of life and doubt. 

For some reason, when my body is strong, my mind, spirit, and emotions are too.

Running, lifting weights, and seeking to eat healthier are all tough things that require discipline, but at the same time they give me stamina and courage in more areas of my life than just the physical. 

The end result is freedom on many levels. Freedom becomes a beautiful blessing from the discipline these efforts provide.

I am not the fastest runner. I don't need to be. I only need to do my best.

I do not have the leanest body. It doesn't need to be. I only need to do my best.

I am not perfect. I don't need to be. I only need to do my best.

It is when I stop doing my best that my breathing gets heavier, both literally and figuratively.

What makes you feel free?

Damn Potato Chips

I was at the store the other day and saw something that made my heart break.

There was a woman. She was about 5'9" and maybe 350lbs. This isn't what made me sad though, it's what I saw next. 

This woman pushed her cart along and at the end cap of the isle she just had walked by, there were a bunch of potato chips on sale. She went from walking resolutely, to an immediate stop. So immediate it made me pay attention to her. It made me wonder what was wrong.

Then with a big inhale, her hands went to her hips. There was an even bigger exhalation as she looked up to the ceiling. The woman's head dropped and her shoulders slouched dramatically. Then she turned to face the wall of chips. 

This woman reached out her hand with a physical emotion of disgust, and then literally threw a bag of chips into her cart. In anger, she walked away.

Standing there, I wanted to cry. 

I know that feeling. I know that surrender. 

I know that fading resolution.

Just a few days later I had my own experience...

There's something wrong about studying a nutrition book and simultaneous feeling a desire to have a danish and a soda. This is what I face though. 

I am an addict. In recovery for sure, but an addict nonetheless. 

In my college days of yesteryear, I was never studying without 32oz of some sort of beverage. If I had a pastry of some kind as well, then I was really on a roll. To me, this action meant I was hunkering down and studying hard.

How many years has it been since then? Oodles! Here I am, after all that time and I still fight these cravings. Now the difference is that I actually care about what I eat and drink. I am more present with my food choices.

Now I study to continue education and improve not just my health, but the health of others. But no sooner did I cracked open my book then did I want a stupid breaded and cream filled delight. Not just one either. It is literally on the level that I should probably have an addiction recovery sponsor to call - absolutely no joke.

I even just read, not many pages ago, that "Americans still drink nearly twice as many carbonated soft drinks per year as either water or milk." (Wardlaw, 6)

The biggest thing I have learned so far is that after all this time and  effort, I am still retraining my brain to a new appetite. My appetites are clearly a textbook "psychological drive to eat" and not an actual physical hunger. (Wardlaw, 7)

As I inhale and exhale, suddenly I wonder if I am slouching. But I am not. I have a choice. I always have and I always will. I do not have to relent to saturated fat, carbonation, and cream filling. 

In fact, I'm shutting down this computer and going for a jog with my little eleven month old buddy, who is currently playing peek-a-boo with the dogs.

Reference
Wardlaw, G.M. et al (2013). Contemporary Nutrition A Functional Approach. Third Edition. 6-7.

Death by Gas Station

In blogs past I've addressed my emotional binge eating history. I've also described the great strides I have made to reverse the ingrained habitual behavior of open mouth insert breaded pastry. 

Most all my woes, through denial, have been chased down with the said breaded pastries and over ninety-six ounces of carbonated beverages. What you may or may not have picked up on is that the battle isn't over... mentally.

So far I have been winning - in pieces. I struggle frequently. Sometimes the struggle is all day, every day, other times it's every few days, but sometimes - it's every second. 

When the triggers are set right, I salivate. When the pressure becomes suffocating enough, I swallow without tasting. Then I need more. Sometimes the hum of the refrigerator can sound like the echo of a gunshot.

If I have just one soda or sweet, it snowballs. The last time I had "just one", it turned into three. That many pastries and soda far exceed the caloric intake of a pretty darn good sized nutritious meal; without any nutritional value whatsoever.

As I write this, I feel vulnerable enough to want food or drink to wash the emotions away - even if for a little bit. I know the moment will never last long enough. I can even tell you that I'm honestly not quite sure what is really bothering me, yet.

I wonder what the subconscious is struggling with so the conscious part of me can cope better. Dr. Phil McGraw would say that something about this all "works" for me and provides a payoff of some kind. 

It's hard to understand why or how a pastry and soda can even come close to satiating, comforting, or loving some unmet need. Especially when in reality the simple truth just might be that I'm a sleep deprived mom.

On a second, but related note, my skin is very elastic from the weight-loss I've gone through over the years. When I lean forward it hangs down from my stomach, raise my arms and the triceps area jiggles, I run and I feel all my excess. 

I look at my lose skin like it's just some foreign part of me. In reality though... the leftover skin is a mass of scars, "leftovers" from the ongoing battle.

There is no finish line. This is why endurance is a good thing to build and develop.

And to think, this blog entry came from simply driving by a gas station, rather than stopping in for a sweet and a soda. It has gotten better though. 

There are times I drive by a gas station and I don't even think about it.  I seldom dream of a gas station when there isn't one in sight. This is improvement indeed.

Drive Through Life

As I have been becoming adjusted to the life of a mother, so many things have taken on new meaning and have brought a heightened level of understanding. Such as the modern day drive-through window.

Goodnight! What used to be a five minute errand has now become 20-30, if things are running smoothly with a babe in tow. This is not a complaint, rather a realization made public. 

I can understand how a tired parent would find it easier to hit a fast food restaurant, using the drive-through window, rather than going home to cook a meal. 

It really doesn't save time at all, but if you are already out and about, it certainly saves on energy devoted to feeding the crew. It also makes more sense why I see minivans pull into a fast food window or quick stop coffee shop, just to get a thirty-two ounce soda or daily coffee. 

The time and hassle of getting in and out of the car with a car seat or child is too much just to get a simple fix of caffeine. I have found myself deliberating the term is "is it worth it?" 

It sure makes things more visible, if you still have a lingering addiction(s). It also brings to light how ingrained old habits are which have long since been broken... they start to creep back in.

Some may think that I am over-thinking this or putting too much pressure on myself, but I don't think that at all. I think I am absolutely worth the effort of questioning this, rather than blindly following convenience and socially accepted norms. 

An occasional stop, wherein I struggle to make the healthiest selection possible is one thing, but more than, say, twice a month... I'm not happy with that.

So the question is, do I condescend to a quick food stop, for sake of sanity and ease but then lose total nutrition? Especially while in the same stop I'm also training my kid(s) into this kind of habit? 

I'm asking myself this question now, because the answer is incredibly important to me. I need to make the decision now - not on the go. 

It may be more difficult to wait a few minutes with an already hungry family to make a better, lower-fat, sugar-reduced or non-fried meal. It may be more inconvenient in the short term, but certainly less so in the long term. 

I'm interested in reducing physical and health-based consequences, not creating them. Is this unrealistic? Only to those that haven't made it a priority to care enough to actually change their behavior. Oops! I said it and may have offended someone, but if I did, then good - it hit home. 

I absolutely refuse to turn around ten years from now and look back to see that it was during this time that I could have committed to not embrace a drive-through life, especially when there were better options and better habits to step into. 

Regardless of the direction, it requires practice. My practice is currently outlined. It is to start: 
1) making and packing lunches if I'm headed out for the day - I've got a cooler and ice packs - they will be used; 
2) driving home, not "through"; 
3) prepare a healthy snack bag to have on hand.

Get In My Belly! (Part II)

So my last entry on Get In My Belly! (Part I) you got to see a snapshot of a kid not making wise choices with her food intake. 

But hey, I was a kid and the sixth of eight children. But what about the adult that child six became? I'm sure food in general, dinner choices and overall experience was different for my other siblings than it was for me. But this is my story that I'm telling. 

I am also certain, that "my story" is very familiar to countless others, as well as a complete shock to those that never faced their issues in this way.

In retrospect though, I must admit that I was an undiagnosed binge, crave-driven emotional eater, which I came to find out is a type of eating disorder. 

Simply put (though some of my behavior was definitely learned), I am human and have issues that weren't being dealt with in a healthy way.

My diet eventually became quite healthy, but the portions were not. Soda was a definite coping device and my drug of choice. My consumption of soda was really out of control. 

At one point I was easily taking in equal to or greater than ninety-six ounces daily. I was eating and drinking myself into a hard road of health problems and never appropriately dealing with my issues. 

Though come to find out later on, while receiving counseling, I learned that my poetry writing (which has been a hobby as long as I can remember) was probably my greatest saving effort for my mental and physical health.

My weight loss journey (i.e., when actual effort was applied) really began in 2004 and waffled with sincerity until 2006, when I gave up. 

Then in 2007 I found out what it was like to really completely give up, refusing to lend any effort in actually helping myself health-wise. If it couldn't be fixed by a pill, without changing my behavior, then it (I) wasn't worth the effort.

In 2008, I hit a critical point and thankfully something snapped and changed for the better. What changed? Understanding that if I have control over nothing else in my life, I do indeed have control over:

1- my response(s)

2 - what I put in my mouth

3 - how I spend my time

I decided that:

• I was no longer going to sit in front of the TV or movies and allow myself to drink a soda and mindlessly be entertained, so I didn't have to think about or deal with the real issues that needed attention.
• I owed it to my family, my husband, friends... MYSELF, to reinvent and redefine Diana.
• Simply put, I needed to trust, love and believe in myself.

Then I went on a reading frenzy online and in hard cover to learn and educate myself as to why I was the way I was, so that I could decide who I wanted to be and why. 

Over time, I began to learn that this had absolutely nothing to do with food or other vices, it's just that food and other vices were how everything manifested. 

Some people commit crimes, are violent, passive, self-mutilators, etcetera... For me, I did them all one piece, one sip, one purchase, one episode at a time.

So what I read:

• A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
• How to Eat, Move and Be Healthy by Paul Chek
• You The Owner's Manual by M.F. Roizen and M.C. Oz
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Total Nutrition by Joy Bauer
• The King James Bible
• The Book of Mormon

What I did that worked:

1. Questioned myself on everything. I mean incessantly, all day, everyday for over a year. It was relentless! Why buy this? Why am I craving that? What has happened today? Why did I answer that way? Why am I lying to myself as I look in the mirror? Why can't I? Why don't I? Why say that? Why do I do this? Why do I believe this (or that)?
2. I tried really hard to practice "mindful eating" (and still do)rather than following any fad diet, the concept of which is so fleeting and simply not good for the body. I used to think that eating by craving was good, because it must mean that I am aware of what my body is lacking, right? Not always the case. Eating by craving can also lead to binging. This is really bad when you are a person with addictive behaviors.
3. Decided and repeated to myself that I have control over my choices and my actions. I refuse to allow myself to be controlled be others, things, or even my own self-defeating talk. I have a choice.
4. When feeling emotionally low and/or physically weak, I found I must first go for a brisk walk before I do or decide anything else. There is always time for that, there are always options even when mobility changes how you exert that energy. When you feel like the option isn't there, you are indeed making excuses. It's a choice. You must stop everything else, because YOU are on the line.
5. I began to read food labels (even if I feel like I don't understand them); often this determines what I buy.
6. I began to continually strive to be a "water only" drinking girl.

By the time last year's Thanksgiving came, I knew I had really made significant changes in my life. I had just one sensible plate of food and I met another goal, which was to get a run in on Thanksgiving Day. 

I didn't experience a food coma, a weight gain, or experience any lethargy like I normally do on Thanksgiving Day. And the best treat of all was that I liked it and didn't feel like I was deprived in any way. It was a good day.

If there is nothing else you get from this entry, I hope that your take home message is this:

1. Facing your issues head on is better than ignoring them.
2. When it comes to food, everything in moderation is really the key. There is no diet, program or pill that will do better for you than moderation, mindful eating and self-discipline.
3. Despite what you may think, you are indeed worth it all.

.... to be continued...

Get In My Belly! (Part I)

In my past blog entries, when discussing weight loss, I never really addressed the topic of food. There's a reason for that, but today and the next few blog entries, I'm opening up. 

When it comes to food I now have strong opinions. This entry acts as a background for my next entry. I'm not heading out to offend anyone here, but this is indeed an outline of how it was growing up.

(Heartfelt Disclaimer: I really do love you Dad & Mom and you did a good job surviving, er, um, I mean raising eight kids.)

My parents really tried hard to make sure we had what was needed in so many different ways, sometimes though, over abundance was  a problem. 

Since I was about ten years old we always had two refrigerators and freezers at our house. The freezer was generally FULL of meat that we didn't use often enough and ice cream, that was used quite often.

The refigerators always had fresh staples of milk, mayo, butter and  condiments from a variety of fast food stores. Fresh food was in the front of the fridge and rotting food was always pushed to the back. 

I think everyone was to blame for that last one. We'd all bring the groceries in and then of course it always seemed like the last one to come in the house was the only kid left to put the groceries away. 

Somehow all the other kids seemed to simply vanish. Well, the kid left to put the groceries away wanted to hurry and go play, right? Hence, old food pushed to the back and bags of new groceries were placed in front. 

Seldom was the food actually removed from the bags. Glazed doughnuts on top of the fridge. Lots of bread and probably apricots (for Mom's sake) on the counter.

The storage room had plenty of canned soups, nearly expired rice, instant potatoes, canned fruit, crackers, wheat (that most likely had weevils in it), and popcorn kernels. The only thing that we really kept current was the popcorn (for Dad's sake).

From my perspective, a typical day went like this:

• Up at six-thirty in the morning, but later on in Junior High and High School I was up at about five. Breakfast was cereal with milk. Once the cereal was eaten and all that was left was milk, I would of course refill my bowel with cereal, because I don't like drinking the leftover milk. Then right before I would leave for school, I'd have a glass of chocolate milk and steal a doughnut from Dad's stash. Then I'd steal money from Dad's wallet or Mom's purse for goodies from the vending machines at school. I'd then go to school with my self-packed lunch bag of chips and a sandwich.
• Snacks came from the vending machine at school using the money I had stolen; my snack was usually just a can of soda.
• Lunch was the packed bag I would sometimes bring, but in addition, I'd buy a pizza or a chef salad from the lunch room with the money I had been given for the week.
• On the way home from school I'd stop at 7-Eleven and get a thirty-two ounce soda with the money I had stolen.
• After school I'd watch television while eating potato chips or a tomato sandwich, with lots of mayo. When Mom got home from shuttling somebody to a piano lesson or a doctor visit I'd turn off the television and pretend I had been doing homework. I would then relocate to my friends house to play and get into all sorts of mischief.
• If Mom or one of the kids hadn't made dinner by six-thirty or seven in the evening when Dad would call home to see if dinner was on, then he'd pick up fast food on his way home from work. The choices were usually one of the following: Kentucky Fried Chicken (only when all the mouths were home to feed), Iceberg (a local hamburger & shake place), Taco Time (also when lots of kids were home), McDonald's, Hire's (another hamburger place; but only when a small handful of kids were home).
• By nine at night I'd be in my bedroom listening to the radio while really doing homework and drinking a can of soda that had been hidden under my bed. I was generally asleep or starting to get ready for bed by eleven o'clock.

Memorable dinners:

Brenda (sister) - Macaroni & tuna concoction

Mom - Tuna Gravy over toast

Jesse (brother) - chili and corn bread

Dad - Lentil soup

Mom - really good potato salad with hamburgers.

Mom - chicken cordon bleu with ham passed it's prime and hollandaise that wasn't... well, mom tried...

Dad - pork chops & salad

I'm sure there are other siblings who tried. This is just what currently comes to mind.

All in all, my eating habits really didn't change much until I got to college. Then in college the portion sizes just got bigger, croissants got involved, soda intake increased and I was no longer playing school sports to burn off any of what I was eating throughout the day.

What I have outlined, for some, may seem really normal and typical. But for others... maybe not. Regardless, for me, this was the norm.

Okay, that's enough for today, but the reasons for this entry will be made clearer in my next entry.