Breaking The Mold

Recently I was mocked by a peer. A fellow personal trainer actually said out load that I am an "embarrassment to the fitness industry."

The justification of the claim was because I am not skinny, I am "not as toned as a trainer should be." He said that I lack a level of visually apparent muscle tonality that a fitness industry professional should have. 

He ended with, "true fitness professionals do not have stretch marks, a gut, or an ass as big as [mine]."

This experience has really been like a punch in the gut... the very gut that has stretch marks from major weight gain (thank you steroids for treating MS, binge-eating, caffeine addiction, etc) and major weight-loss (90lbs).

I entered the fitness industry as a means to help others who were like me: 

• struggling with chronic disease (in my case multiple sclerosis); 
• using food and beverage as a means for coping through life; 
• affected by anxiety and/or depression;
• body image issues;
• negativity;
• poor daily life activity; and so much more.

I relayed this experience to another fellow fitness industry professional who knows me and I couldn't thank her enough for her response. 

She said that I am definitely not like the stereotypical fitness professional, but I am a powerful one. She said I'm a motivator with never-ending positivity, tremendous fitness knowledge, skill, and surprising energy. She said that I am a lot stronger than I appear. She said, "so no, you don't fit the mold - you break it."

Another fitness professional said that she has been more of a stinky sweaty mess from one of my classes than any other that she has recently attended.

Though this experience with the meanie fitness professional has hurt my confidence as well as my feelings, I want him to know that: 

• I sincerely hope if he's ever faced with a debilitating illness that impedes mobility, that he too can overcome it. 
• I hope that if he ever drinks or eats too much while trying to cope with life, that he can overcome the emotional shame and body image issues that are associated with being overweight or obese. 
• I hope that even he can overlook his own stretch marks if that occurs.
• I hope that no matter what comes his way and how his body changes, that when he looks in the mirror that he can not only realistically see the flaws, but also be proud of them and and what those flaws represent.

Today I outran a teenage boy, though I know that in time after I am done training him, that he will outrun me.

Today I spent one hour in proficiency training using TRX and a TRX Rip stick.

Today I completed an intense 58-minute cardio bout.

Today I spent time writing group exercise class designs for Spin, Lift, and TRX/Rip classes that I intend on using.

Now in retrospect, 10-years ago I was out of breath walking down a hall and terrified to step down from a curb without assistance.

I have made an impact to many. My clients have had tremendous success. My family has benefited tremendously.

Here I go, breaking the mold...

Let It Be

Have you ever had to wait for something that couldn't be hurried along? Did the waiting require sitting in complete discomfort of the unknown? Did the waiting require unrelenting prayer?

At moments did you find yourself scrambling for any amount of control in absolutely anything, because what mattered most was well beyond controllable?

When in this state, do you hold your breath frequently? Clench or grind your teeth maybe? 

How about your stomach, is it in knots and the entire world seems to keep turning while you're somehow stuck in a state of pensive stasis?

Are you filled with anxiety, panic, or being so overwhelmed about the future that you can't live in the present.
                                  
I've found that I frequently have to surrender, in order to move beyond this state of mind and physical stress that it can cause. It is very difficult to do.

I have to stop forcing and seeking control. I have to surrender to what is and fight myself from creating a negative interpretative spin. 

Instead, I have to search and seek for the simplest and most non-ego based answer and then surrender to it.

I find that when I am in this state of internal struggle, I often think of The Beatles song, "Let It Be" or Now We are Free from the Gladiator soundtrack.

We are stronger and more capable than we think we are.

What helps you when in this place?

Living in Faith and Courage

Someone asked me recently, "what made it possible to change from living in fear to living in faith and courage?" This is an extremely good question.

When I was living in fear, I was allowing myself to be ruled by self doubt, which was fueled by false perceptions. These false perceptions were not limited to just myself, but the world, as well as my role within it. I had truly believed that I was insignificant and easily discarded. Please note the past tense tone of that last statement.

Because I felt that I was insignificant and easily discarded, I feared that my entire existence didn't matter. I believed that I was one hundred percent replaceable in every way. Fear was a natural result. This childhood fear definitely lingered well into my adult years.

I would come in and out of this phase and thinking periodically, but it was never a lasting feeling. With such strong limiting beliefs, how on earth could I matter in the grand scheme of things? In what possible way could I bring any value to the world at all?

Then there was a series of events that completely upended this fear-based line of thinking. 

SITUATION: I had a talk with God one day and I asked, if I was so replaceable and insignificant, then why am I here? I believed God to be a kind and a loving God, but if I was here on earth without a purpose or any meaning, then that was just simply cruel.

RESULT: God found a way to let me know that I was of value, but more importantly I believed it. Here's how He did it.

The way in which I learned that I was of value and significance was during the time I was watching my father-in-law slowly die. God spoke to me in my heart during this time. I am not sure that I can describe it, but it was powerful and undeniable. Here were some of the thoughts I was having.

My father-in-law was prone to melancholy and depressive thoughts, yet he had impacted so many lives for good - more than he had impacted them in negative ways. I then thought about others that had "impact" and "value" in the world both on a grand scale as well as in my own personal life. 

Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, and Oprah Winfrey are truly great people - but with some pretty big issues and faults. But they persevered and continued forward to the best of their ability. They persistently and consistently worked hard to live good lives. Their best efforts changed lives for the better.

On a personal note and as further proof, there's Mrs. Wasden who was my fourth grade teacher. Because of her example I learned to love reading and writing. She is a good woman, with a beautiful light to share with the world. 

All Mrs. Wasden cared about was God, her family, her students... ginger snaps and root beer flavored hardtack candy. Yet, when in her presence, you were made to feel as though you were the top priority - even in a crowded room.

As I reflected on these experiences, they became a serious ongoing boost to my faith. If my imperfect melancholy father-in-law, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Oprah Winfrey, and Mrs. Wasden can impact even one person to change their life for the better, well then...that was a life well spent.

When you have faith-uplifting experiences like this, it creates an energy and courage within. When this happens, the world seems to change right in front of your eyes.


SITUATION: Because of the increase in faith and courage, I felt more daring to try things, to be more involved, and more than that - to believe that my contribution to a variety of events in life actually mattered. 

RESULT: All the sudden I felt a surge of energy, an almost "unleashing" and urgency to live life fully. Why? Because someone out there needed me. Someone out there could have their life changed for the better, just because I had the words and maybe even the actions at the right time to be the linchpin to their unleashing. 

Wham! Bam! All of the sudden I can see that I am in no way insignificant. Of course I matter! Of course I have value! Now that I understand this, how could I have fear? How could I not have courage? 

It was at this time that I first heard Gandhi's quote, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." He said it so simply. It was as if it could happen, just like that. Just all the sudden, "be the change."

I've since discovered that it is possible to all of the sudden just "be the change." Your habitual doubts and historical behavior are an ongoing obstacle, but it is possible to change them as you create new habits. It requires practice, but it is possible.

I Said the C-Word

Holy crud this is tough! Commitment! It sounds so easy and it's really easy to say it, too. "I'm committed."  This used to be my favorite lie. I now know what it really means to be committed, and I do not say that lightly. 

There's no way I'm going back, either. I know my "why" and I know what it takes. I'm committed to it now. I've won over  (insert weakness here). It is now a non-issue.

I get really concerned when I hear people say these things. I get concerned because they've already tossed out the reality that they are human. Because you are human, you have the potential to err. 

Never underestimate the human ability to be utterly oblivious or in complete denial. There is justification for all things, right? This doesn't mean that you should avoid trying to commit to something, someone, or to change in general. 

The burden to correct behavior is ever more present, especially when you have identified your weaknesses. If you are going to be committed to something, try being committed to being "aware", rather than permitting yourself to flirt with whatever is tantalizing to you.

The reality is, if  there was a problem once, you will most likely be tempted by it again. There's one thing I never doubt, and that's my potential to let pride and weakness creep up on me. Next thing you know commitment waivers. This is where the adage, "old habits die hard" has teeth. 

To me, commitment is to stay as far away from it as possible, as well as to try and stay as close as I can to something positive. In order to do so, I have to strip the habits that usually precede the frequent error. 

I have to change or just understand my perception of what it does for me. I also have to foster progression with whatever or whoever I should stay close to.

Staying away from something isn't always considered avoidance. Sometimes it's actually a very wise thing to do. If you know it's a problem, there's no avoiding that acknowledgement. Understanding that you can't be trusted around that thing is key to learning to live as well as to move beyond it.

What is "it" might you ask? Anything qualifies here, so long as it's a problem where self-control goes out the window. You don't need me to list anything here. 

That thing that's been on your mind during this entire blog entry or the one that just popped in your mind a moment ago; yep, those are what need to be worked on most. Those are "it".

When you are aware, commitment naturally tries to follow. Shoot for awareness and being present; see if a few appetites can't be curbed. 

For me, I've found awareness in asking myself "why?" Why do I want it? What just happened to make my commitment waiver? What's my payoff? Who do I hurt?

I'm tired of being trapped by my actions, or in some cases, inaction. What about you?

"You've Got To Move It, Move It!"

Half the issues that we have in life could be resolved if we would just show up, rise to the occasion and follow through. Easier said than done for sure! Yet, somehow we always end up surprising ourselves...

I leave for Moab, Utah today. I'm headed south for the Canyonlands Half Marathon; running as a part of the Huntsman Hometown Heroes. I'm nervous and there's a bunch of doubt creeping in all the corners of my brain. 

I was running the other day and I was thinking about the days when I ran with no doubt at all. I remember the pure determination. I remember the raw joy of the run. 

It's different this go-around for some reason. My focus has been... slippery. My body has been fighting me so very much. However, at the same time, I'm packing up and showing up. 

I know I have it in me to run this, it would just be nice if my brain would follow suit. I'm moving forward because of the momentum that has been built. We can't always rely on a compliant body or a fully focused mind to do the things we desire to do. We don't always have that luxury. 

I do not care that I have Multiple Sclerosis, this disease doesn't even factor in to the run this go-around. The bigger, more ever-present burden is disbelief. Yet, even in my doubt, there's a glimmer of knowledge that is going to see me through. 

The knowledge is that no matter my pace or posture in the journey of this race (or my life), I have a finish line to cross - I intend to cross it. 

It's not the finish time or finesse that wins this kind of race, rather it's a willingness to meet the challenge head-on that determines success. I hope, I pray that if nothing else, the journey is a beautiful one. 

Here's to surrendering to a power that is most definitely beyond my own. 

A New Year! (Part I)

Diana approximately 40lbs ago, hiking at Natural Bridges National Monument.
I used to need assistance stepping down from a curb and here I had just hiked
serious terrain for about 4hrs. Thank you trekking poles!

We are on the eve of a new year and I am determined to make the most of it. I'd love it if you would commit to yourself and join with me; in whatever way is best for you. 

We all have "a past" and I'm convinced that we shouldn't really forget it. I feel that once you forget it, you kind of have a tendency to stop learning from it. 

I hate re-learning, it's never comfortable. What I am saying is to choose not to let the past weigh you down; rather, let it fuel you in order to bring you to new heights - in a positive direction. 

You are who you are today because of yesterday. You will be who you become tomorrow, because of who you are today. It's a compounding effect and only you can decide whether it results in a radiating positive or a gloomy negative. 

It really is that simple. So, pick what makes you happiest, not necessarily what is easiest or the path of least resistance. Do something different this go-around. Find a way to make it measurable and give it a solid year of effort. 

Statistically most people quit their resolutions within sixty days. An even more compelling statistic is the ratio of people being more dedicated to planning their next vacation than they are to personal goals, even ones that are actually quite critical. 

It's time to stop making empty promises to yourself, family and friends. 

In December 2008, Jeffery H. Rice, CPY, CSCS, wrote an article talking about the top ten reasons people quit their New Year's Resolutions. The reasons are:

1) Lack of enough knowledge about the desired goal
2) Not knowing how to put an action plan together
3) Loss of motivation
4) Lack of support
5) Time management
6) Fear of failure 
7) Excuses
8) Not seeing results quickly enough

9) Lack of nutrition knowledge
10) The quick fix fad of the month otherwise known as the one hundred billion dollar diet industry

I'm currently working on a plan to create safeguards to buffer points one through ten listed above. My goals for the coming year can be best grouped into the following four categories: spiritual, physical, nutritional, mental. 

The action plan requires accountability, patience, research and study, practices to mentally visualize outcomes, measurable tracking methods, positive self talk, a budget, accountability, accountability, accountability. 

Self doubt makes us negative, negativity causes fear, fear hinders dreaming, lack of dreams depletes desire, loss of desire kills hope, not having hope makes living appear futile and then people stop trying to live life to its fullest. Stop the cycle of doubt. Believe!

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." 

~ Gandhi

To Be Continued...

Digging Deep

This is the Nativity set that I mention below.

I am in the first week of Phase II of Insanity with Shawn T.. while I was working out the other morning I was really struggling. 

I was feeling the fatigue, soreness and resistance that you get with applying effort. I was frustrated and mentally not in the game and blaming it on the lack of feeling on my left side, multiple sclerosis being the issue. 

Good heavens, this is Insanity I'm talking about! So, in reality it was mostly my attitude and only partially my MS. Mentally I was giving up. I was telling myself that "I can't". Those are very powerful words.

It was while I was in the "I can't" of it all that I then looked up. Right in front of me was one of my many nativities that I currently have up around the house. 

It was then that I randomly thought to myself, what would have happened if the Savior said "I can't" and believed it? What if he didn’t “dig deep” and give it all he had?

There are times that my husband, friends, family, and even strangers have each carried a bit of my burden - to help me succeed. To help me so that "I can". 

For that I am forever and continually thankful, because it has kept me going when I thought I was out of steam. I have so many people around me that buoy me up to help me continually realize my potential. 

You have this too – even if you think you don’t. As a matter of fact, I would even venture to say that if you think you don’t have that support, you either 1) haven’t recognized it or 2) haven't humbled yourself to ask for the support. 

There is always at least one person in our midst that would be willing to help you in some way. We tend to see it most during this time of year, but that’s mostly just because we are more attuned to it; more willing to recognize it.

During my workout the other morning I realized that it’s my turn to dig deep - again. It’s my turn to give it all I’ve got - again. It’s my life and the Savior gave all that he had, to make up the difference, for when my digging deep isn’t deep enough. 

Right now, my support is a friend who works out with me - she is relentless! Thank you Mary!

This life is largely about consistency 
(some call it monotony) with 
intermittent intervals of high intensity 
(absolute craziness) –
this is how we progress.

You have most likely been consistent or maybe even sliding slightly backwards. However it’s time to “dig deep” and give your life maximum effort to move forward. I wrote about this in a bit more detail in my blog entry And So It Goes....

I'm saying that it’s time to do a little interval training; no holds barred. Mix it up and get crazy with it. I’m not just talking about exercise here. I’m talking about any facet in your life that you feel is lacking. 

I’m talking about exerting maximum energy in any one particular area of your life that you have ignored for way too long. You know what that is. You are worth it. Believe in yourself – dig deep.

Poetry Corner: An Imaginary Villain

We've all been here at one time or another... or now. 

An Imaginary Villain

Subconsciously

I interrogate myself,

by manipulating the eyes of others

to tell my deepest fears

admit my worst wrongs

to judge

by reading too much 

into an onlooker's gaze.

I create

I mistake

I adjudicate

my own follies

and displace my own disgust, 

standing victimized

allowing guilt to be provoked

by an outsider's glance.

My head drops,

succumbing to the weight

of worthlessness - 

chained, locked away 
again;

because that's where I tell myself

I belong.

By Diana M. Bateman

2006 ©

Why do we work so hard to put ourselves in this bad place? We are all worth more than this... The truth is that we are all uniquely amazing, whether you believe it or not.