A Crushed Heart Can Lead to Triumph

This is the moment. Just as imagined and hoped for. So much preparation has gone into getting to this exact point. Can a heart really pound this intensely without bursting? It's time to shine and overcome what you once thought was impossible. 

This is the description of a moment we have all experienced at some point. The nervousness, excitement, hope, and simultaneous dread; hoping all things go as dreamed, as imagined.

This is Sweet-pea's story. Sweet-pea is the fictitious name of a real person - my friend. 

Using my skills as a personal trainer, I volunteer at a center for developmentally delayed adults. This is where Sweet-pea and I met. 

The need for personal training with this special needs population is so high and often over-looked because it's not glamorous personal training. However, from my perspective, this is one of the populations that need it most. 

How would you feel bound to mobility aides, immobilizing braces, and straps? For a brief time at this center, about 20 of the patrons receive continued and personalized training throughout the week. A grant and volunteers makes this possible. Sweet-pea is one of the 20 who receive these benefits.

Sweet-pea is in her late 40's to early 50's and uses a wheelchair. She can't talk, but she gestures and nods "yes" and "no". Sweet-pea is strong-willed and as independent as she can be. She loves to tease and has a natural "Oh ya? Just watch me attitude." 

Sweet-pea's neck leans excessively forward (practically touching her clavicle) due to postural and upper body weakness. As directed by a physical therapist, we've been working with her to walk with the aid of a walker as we follow behind her with a wheel-chair to catch her (just in case). This week the goal was big and Sweet-pea was eager for it.

Sweet-pea was going to walk about 80-feet with only three rest stops. She was ready. She could see it and taste the victory. She was particular about a friend watching.  She was also specific that no one should get in her way as she walked the hall from point A to point B and back. She was nervous, but oh so ready for the challenge. So she began her walk.

For some reason there was an suddenly an unusual amount of hallway traffic and after 15 or so feet she gave up in anger and her heart was obviously crushed. Everyone was in the way. This was her time and the obstacles were too great. Crying and bitter she stopped.

Angry and yelling she wheeled herself away, crying and hurting she tried to hide. Sweet-pea's dreams, hope, and hard work seem to be for nothing from her perspective. My heart broke watching this breakdown. She was expressing herself the only way she could as language wasn't even hers to own.

I don't know how, but by some miracle me and her friend were able to talk her into coming back in to the gym room to finish a light workout. We were also able to reschedule "the great walk" for the next day during what we hoped would be a less busy hallway traffic time.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to be there for her the next day. I prayed for her and she was heavy on my mind all night.  I know the need to accomplish a goal like that. This was big and she was ready, but the circumstance was against her.

I was pleased to hear the next day that not only were the conditions just right for her, but she did "the great walk" and with only one rest stop! Though I wasn't there for it, I could see it in my mind's eye. 

Instead of her arm flailing in anger to motion people away and screaming in anger, I could see her arm triumphantly motioning the joy of success. I could hear her scream have the energy of an Olympic gold winning, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I could even feel the joy and relief from the other trainers and aids as her goal was met this time.

And with the previous nervousness, excitement, hope, and simultaneous dread; hoping all things go as dreamed, as imagined. There is now an equal sense of relief, accomplishment, satisfaction, and humility. This is just my feeling about Sweet-pea s adventure. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling. Go girl!

Tests, Vomit, and a Pat on the Back

My recent blog silence has been due to a series final exams and being really sick. I am happy to report that two really cool things happened during this time. So here's the story…

Studying, worrying, feeling unprepared no matter how prepared I got myself… ever been there? 

You got it! I got sick. All that worry and stress, adding in a little bad weather, horrible inversion making the air nasty - this is prime ground to get sick.

Cool thing #1 was that I did really well on my tests and one of them was a certifying test with the American College of Sports Medicine. You got it! I am now a Certified Personal Trainer! 

However, just hours before my test that couldn't be rescheduled, without losing a lot of money, my sickness took a turn for the worse. I managed to get through the test and home in time before I really was out of it.

I've not been this sick in many years. Never fear antibiotics and loving family support are here! God bless all those that helped me during this time. Especially one person in particular…

Cool thing #2 is that despite having to ignore and be clear of my son so he wouldn't get sick from me, he still managed to cope and love me anyway. Here's that story now.

At one point I was alone, vomiting in the bathroom when I heard the patter of my son's little feet come behind me. Worrying about how to block him from the vile violent view as well as keep his curious hands out of the way, I discovered I didn't need to worry. 

My little guy just stood at my back hugging me and patting my back until I was done. Then he simply just walked away to play with the dogs.

(as of 12/21/13 I am also a Certified Functional Movement Specialist!)

Bravery

Turning pages, pausing to comprehend, writing to articulate in my own words, then comparing the figures with the text once more... Trying to absorb the information on how various muscles of the body are innervated. What the plexus does this do!?

It was at this time when a total stranger told me that I am brave. She said it because I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, and I was alone.

I was there to study and eat dinner because I hadn't been able to focus on my studies at home. So while husband and son were at home bonding, I studied at the library and then I relocated to study over dinner. 

Brave? What about this made me brave? Then I recalled a time in my life when there was no way that I would subject myself to being alone in public and eating dinner in a big booth.

Being alone in public, particularly while dining is a scary place to be for many people. When you feel this way about yourself, there is nothing more frightening than to be "publicly alone" - after all, if I believe no one wants to be around me, I must be a scary person and here I am alone with a very scary person. Agh!

But I'm not scary. The woman who commented to me that she could never do that, isn't scary. However, the perception that she is scary is incredibly real to her. 

Have you ever isolated yourself, hid yourself from public view because you were embarrassed of yourself? What if you say something silly? What will people think of you? For some people this is downright crippling.

I actually have many memories of ordering a large amount of take-out with the intention of eating it myself. At the time of pick-up for this food, I would ask for two packets of silverware, just to hide from a stranger that I would be eating the contents all by myself when I got home.

I ate to fill an emotional void inside of me. I ate a lot, in an attempt to not feel so alone.

The bravest thing I have ever done was to look at myself in the mirror and try to learn to love me. After doing that, sitting at a booth alone in a restaurant is not uncomfortable at all.

I am not a scary person. This woman who said I was brave, is not a scary person. We are beautiful people searching for a connection, meaning, and a purpose in life. 

We may not be picture perfect. We might have some social awkwardness and insecurity. 

It took practice to learn to like me. It took patience and tolerance to learn to love me.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one to have. God loves you as you are, why can't you? Why do we give up so quickly on ourselves? 

If you were incapacitated, it would just be you and your body - alone. Would you be kind to yourself in that state of mind and body? It is at times like this that I think of people like my Grandmother.

Grandma had a series of strokes. A beautiful, kind and caring woman. Left without words. Unable to care for herself. What did she think of? I sincerely hope she thought kind things about herself.

There were times I could see a flash of humor and a smirk come across her face. I love the idea that in that state she still found a way to laugh. Now that is bravery.

All of this reminds me of a Dustin Hoffman clip wherein speaking of his character Tootsie, Hoffman addressed how external beauty, as dictated by society, can affect our interest in getting to know a person.

Stepping away from what society says and accepting others regardless of their appearance and apparent awkwardness, especially in public is brave. Have you ever been the one accepted or rejected while in an awkward phase? Have you been the one to accept another?

Be brave - always.

Reality Check

About this time of year I do a lot of reflection. It first started several years ago with the idea that "holy crap annual reviews at work are here!" 

Then that morphed into a one-on-one with myself. A Spring Cleaning reality check of sorts...you know - how am I doing, so that I can be the best I need me to be, in order to be the best influence I can be to my family, friends, co-workers, employer - whatever the case may be. 

In short, I've learned that I can't possibly be the best person all those people need me to be, if I can't even be the person who I need me to be.

With this in mind, I thought I would pass along these two references. Each have helped me out a great deal in different ways (please click the links below and enjoy the words and thoughts of a couple really smart people). 

I also listen to Life Strategies by Dr. Phil about this time every year too.

"Becoming a Person of Influence" (by the way this entire book is good and worth the read).
"The Slight Edge" (summary)

Digging Deep

This is the Nativity set that I mention below.

I am in the first week of Phase II of Insanity with Shawn T.. while I was working out the other morning I was really struggling. 

I was feeling the fatigue, soreness and resistance that you get with applying effort. I was frustrated and mentally not in the game and blaming it on the lack of feeling on my left side, multiple sclerosis being the issue. 

Good heavens, this is Insanity I'm talking about! So, in reality it was mostly my attitude and only partially my MS. Mentally I was giving up. I was telling myself that "I can't". Those are very powerful words.

It was while I was in the "I can't" of it all that I then looked up. Right in front of me was one of my many nativities that I currently have up around the house. 

It was then that I randomly thought to myself, what would have happened if the Savior said "I can't" and believed it? What if he didn’t “dig deep” and give it all he had?

There are times that my husband, friends, family, and even strangers have each carried a bit of my burden - to help me succeed. To help me so that "I can". 

For that I am forever and continually thankful, because it has kept me going when I thought I was out of steam. I have so many people around me that buoy me up to help me continually realize my potential. 

You have this too – even if you think you don’t. As a matter of fact, I would even venture to say that if you think you don’t have that support, you either 1) haven’t recognized it or 2) haven't humbled yourself to ask for the support. 

There is always at least one person in our midst that would be willing to help you in some way. We tend to see it most during this time of year, but that’s mostly just because we are more attuned to it; more willing to recognize it.

During my workout the other morning I realized that it’s my turn to dig deep - again. It’s my turn to give it all I’ve got - again. It’s my life and the Savior gave all that he had, to make up the difference, for when my digging deep isn’t deep enough. 

Right now, my support is a friend who works out with me - she is relentless! Thank you Mary!

This life is largely about consistency 
(some call it monotony) with 
intermittent intervals of high intensity 
(absolute craziness) –
this is how we progress.

You have most likely been consistent or maybe even sliding slightly backwards. However it’s time to “dig deep” and give your life maximum effort to move forward. I wrote about this in a bit more detail in my blog entry And So It Goes....

I'm saying that it’s time to do a little interval training; no holds barred. Mix it up and get crazy with it. I’m not just talking about exercise here. I’m talking about any facet in your life that you feel is lacking. 

I’m talking about exerting maximum energy in any one particular area of your life that you have ignored for way too long. You know what that is. You are worth it. Believe in yourself – dig deep.

Abiding Love

Thursday was our 10th wedding anniversary! We stayed at a bed and breakfast east of Ogden, Utah that we've wanted to stay at for quite some time. 

So we stayed there, had a nice dinner, then went hiking the next day in Adams Canyon. Life has been pretty interesting for us the last little while and we both needed to get away.

No one said that married life is easy and we have worked hard to get to ten years. Life has had its own twists and turns for us, but at dinner last night I caught a glimpse of something that humbled me.

We went to a really nice restaurant in the canyon and were seated in an area where there were only us and an elderly couple a table away. 

During dinner, it was obvious that something was wrong with the woman and the table was very silent. At one point the lady tried to drink her iced tea and it spilled down her shirt. 

Her husband very soothingly patted her hand and said "it's okay, don't worry about it." Not long after that, the waitress brought out some dessert for the couple. 

There were lit candles and the waitress proceeded to wish them a happy 5fifty-sixth wedding anniversary. The elderly women looked surprised and looked to the man to confirm, he nodded his head that it was true and gestured to the candle for her to blow it out. 

That was quite an ordeal for her to do, but it got done - with help. Not long after that they left the table, which took quite some effort. 

Her husband was so kind and patient and he obviously was in love and in no hurry. He clearly was just trying to make this a nice night for his wife. 

It took ten minutes for them to get to their car. As I watched them, I felt myself get a little teary-eyed as it hit me that this is what love is all about... I'm not even sure I can articulate it...

This couple was gentle with each other, holding hands, looking lovingly into each others' eyes... I'm certain that life together hasn't been one hundred percent pleasant, but they most certainly loved each other. 

This woman possibly suffered a stroke at some point or maybe was dealing with Alzheimer's as well. Though she was old, sagging, belched at dinner, drooled half her drink onto her shirt and her husband had to feed her quite a bit, she was beautiful to him and everything about him showed that's what he felt.

Things don't always work out perfectly or to plan. Many times life is more difficult than it is easy. 

We make mistakes, we argue, we get frustrated, and for what? For the opportunity to love and be loved unconditionally. I'm sure it took years, effort beyond imagination, and patience galore for this elderly couple to get to the level of love that I witnessed. 

I almost felt like an intruder simply being present for their moment. I'm thankful I was able to witness it though. I feel indebted to these strangers for this lesson I learned. 

Now the burden is mine to make sure I do everything possible to love my spouse, so that one day when we drool, forget things, sag and lose control of bodily functions, the other will be there to lovingly pat the others hand and say, "it's okay, don't worry about it" and then look at each other with a deep, abiding love.

Together Again

The last couple of days have been dedicated to a family reunion for a side of my family that hasn't really gotten together in over twenty years. 

It was wonderful to see everyone and their kids, to reunite and have conversations to try to get to know each other again. 

On the way home from the final event my husband asked me what I enjoyed the most and in all honesty it was simply spending time with these people. 

The recollection of memories is certainly fun and good, but it was the hugging, laughing and conversation that was most awesome. In a way it was like a little empty spot of me was filled, it was a place in me that I didn't know was really empty.

How often do we get absorbed in our own worlds and forget that we are an extension of something bigger? We all have talents and amazing parts to us, but it becomes more amazing when you apply yourself to something worthwhile.  

It makes you question what is really important in life. Investing selfishly will bring us temporary satisfaction, yet in the long run only result in loneliness. 

Investing in something greater than yourself may take a lot of energy, pull you out of a comfort zone and such, but in the end you feel edified and thankful for the experience.

There were some that couldn't be with us for one reason or another and all were sincerely missed. The absence was actually quite profound. 

Not just for those that are dead or dying, but also for those living elsewhere. It's amazing how profoundly the absences affect us in a variety of ways.

Aside from all of these things, it was the collective living, laughing and smiling that resonates. These are the precious things that we work so hard to create and remember. It's these things that get us through the tougher times. 

And So It Goes...

When joy happens, I celebrate it. When frustration impedes progress, I swear, dwell a little and then move on. When excitement occurs, I am filled with wonder while enjoying the reaction(s) of others. 

Sadness enters the room and I am amazed at the various responses of those around me, while hoping I’m unnoticed long enough to get a grip before I truly respond. 

Regardless of the type of event and the impact, embracing what was learned and then moving on with the new knowledge is crucial. 

I remember times when I’ve sat down and wallowed in pity and have also compared it to being able to pick up and move on. 

I also recall reveling too long in the joy that I failed to see the reality and impact of what slowing down and becoming lazy can do. 

Josh once shared with me a quote about how when boating, the captain must constantly be checking the direction, monitoring the effects of the ever changing weather and how those conditions can alter, enhance, and hinder the progress of sailing. 

A little checking there, a little tweaking here, being mindful of the subtleties in the wind can make all the difference on arriving at the intended destination on time and safely. 

Suddenly the full ramifications of the term “sailing” took on a completely new meaning to me. Rude awakenings occur when ignorance and negligence are present, whereas being aware of the potential of subtle shifts and tracking them aid in gaining more ground (progress) in the long run. 

This constant action of checks and balances in life make things appear to fit together at the right time, just in time, all the time; which give the effect of “sailing”. 

This sailing may not have always been smooth, but more ground was covered almost by leaps and bounds. 

Though there are scary moments in sudden shifts, and while at times it may also have the appearance of trudging through the mire, you still cover more ground. 

You still are propelled at just the right speed, to pick up and find yourself further along (in a good way) than if you’d just let the wind and waves push you wherever they could; without direction or care from you.

“Life” is what happens when we simply let the wind control our direction. “Living” is a conscious effort of aiding the wind to get us where we need to be. 

Sailing requires more action than drifting. I have drifted. I prefer sailing.

The Military & Multiple Sclerosis

I never thought I would marry into the military...

or have the need to say, “I have MS”.

When I first met my husband he was in the Army National Guard, now he is in the Air National Guard. I have experienced a lot as a military wife and I am sure to experience a lot more; I’ve no regrets. Regardless if you are Active military or National Guard, when you have MS, being a military family is incredibly challenging. As a matter of fact, being a military family is a lot like having MS.

There is a large amount of unpredictability, a physical and emotional roller-coaster, a lot of “hurry up and wait”, as well as moments of incredible learning about who you are and how far your limits extend. Patience is tried, but there are also moments of accomplishment.

When my husband went through his Officer training in Tennessee, there was a graduation program at the completion that I was able to attend. This program was a big deal, so the commencement was not a small event.

During the evening portion of the event, there was a table with a display that represented the fallen soldiers of all the military branches. I was touched at how the table was displayed. A representative in uniform for each branch carried a dress hat and walked slowly to the cadence of a very somber air. The great hall was very quiet throughout the presentation, with an air of respect, sorrow, devotion, absence, honor, memory, and love...at that moment you were on hallowed ground. It is the memory of this experience that comforts me beyond explanation.

No matter our lot in life, regardless of our trials, 
human life...living life is so precious and important that I know I can’t waste a moment of it.

I cry. I have bitter moments. I feel loss and frustration, but when I am through feeling these emotions that any human has the right to feel, I then have a responsibility to carry on and do what I can do - serving others that are still within arms reach.

I am at war. I’m a soldier fighting for normalcy, functionality, happiness, and me; and when I fall, I expect you to be there for me. I could share more military and MS experiences, but the one I have shared here is the most applicable. I have a little motto that I like to say a lot. I have said it in this blog before and it is a good one to keep in mind.

Living your life based on the unpredictability of MS can be

more detrimental than the disease itself.

To withhold opportunities, activities, and goals because you aren’t sure how your MS is going to affect you from day to day, only makes for a lonely and unhappy existence.

The military factor is nothing more than another obstacle. So I have to find someone else to inject my arms when Josh is gone. I have sole responsibility to maintain our home and finances...but I have also been blessed with awesome family, neighbors, co-workers, friends, and community. The thing that makes the biggest difference is letting these people in to help me when I am going it alone. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it isn’t fun when Josh is deployed or at drill when I need him, but it all boils down to the same thing regardless of the situation and that is how I let it affect me.

My husband is currently gone with the military for the next year. Earlier in the week, I was just fine. Yesterday I was miserable. Today I am sad, but productive. Tomorrow...tomorrow will be what tomorrow brings, but for now the forecast is positive.

Caretaker = Unsung Hero

Sometimes referring to a dictionary just doesn’t cut it. The reason that I am disappointed in the dictionary is because of the definition of a “caretaker”. 

If you were to look up the word "caretaker", you would get the following: “One that is employed to look after or take charge of goods, property, or a person; a custodian.” (Webster) Now that sounds fine, but it still misses the mark. To me, the definition of a “caretaker” would be better suited to say something like this:

“One who selflessly renders total support and

maintenance of goods, property, or person

without deadline or complaint.”

Caretakers, under my newly stated definition, clearly embody: Moms (which is the reason for my photo below), spouses, partners, children and anyone who is really willing to do the job (which makes room for a lot of people). I have two examples of a caretaker that I would like to share.

My nephew Andy has a tender heart and watchful eye. Andy is 8 years old and has been a helpful caretaker since the day he could walk. He spent the most impressionable years of his life watching his father lovingly and selflessly perform as a caretaker to my MS-affected sister; giving shots, cleaning, assisted living (on various levels), acting as a confidant and so on. To this day Andy watches over his mother like the average 8 year old would over his prized Spiderman toy.

Granted, Andy is the only one that is allowed to be mean or upset with my sister, but he makes darn sure that no one else talks bad toward his mother and that doors are opened, toys are off of the floor, dishes are put in the sink, and much more.

The second caretaker that I want to highlight is my husband, Josh. I am continually amazed by my husband. He has endless energy, incredible knowledge and desire to learn more, and has an innate loving kindness towards all cultures, people, and me.

With the aforementioned in mind, I think it is easy to see what an awesome caretaker (and spouse) Josh is, but let’s look at my favorite top attributes, for example and for giggles:

1. His simply being a listening ear can work wonders.
2. Helping with injections, shows a willingness in him to take part in this life-trial, which in turn makes me not feel so alone in this disease.
3. He will just hold me, when my body can’t handle anything else.
4. He provides a fun attitude to distract me from dwelling on the negative; especially when everything feels so overwhelming.
5. He massages my limbs when the limberness fades or when there is pain.
6. He provides logic and reasoning when I have none left to contribute.

Josh & Diana in the Black Swamp of South Carolina

I titled this entry “Caretaker = Unsung Hero” because of how pivotal that role is in our lives. I frankly feel that the caretaker doesn’t get enough recognition or due praise in our society. I also have felt that the definition of the caretaker role wasn’t as succinct as it should be. Caretakers don’t just work, they suffer. They don’t just operate in the background; they are the backdrop that makes everything around them beautiful. Caretakers take the lead, finding new options and energy when there was none left to be had.

Caretakers are the constant heroes 
of our everyday lives.