Kiss and Tell

"Ew! They kissed!" 

As a young child I distinctly recall a number a road trips, driving around town, or simply hanging out at home where I witnessed my parents smooch. 

Sometimes they did it to gross the kids out, other times it was with all sincerity and we just happened to be there. I recall making fun and pretending to be grossed out with my siblings.

No matter what though, I always knew that my parents loved each other. It was comforting. 

As I continued to grow I remembered thinking that I hoped I found someone that wanted to kiss me and love me too.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband returned from a nearly 7-month deployment. So this last week, my husband and I took my son and ran away on a little vacation to San Antonio, TX. While there we visited Sea World. 

Sitting in the stands, waiting in anticipation of a killer whale show, our son did something unexpected and totally awesome.

He was between my husband and myself and put one arm around each of us. With a hand at the base of both of our necks, he kept pushing our faces together so my husband and I could kiss. Each time we kissed, Jacob sounded completely delighted, cheered, and laughed with joy. 

Tonight, a few days later, while on a boat ride, he did the same thing.

I'm starting to see that kids need to see their parents love, to touch, and to kiss. I'm not talking about the kind of stuff that should be behind doors. 

I am talking about nice kisses, hand holding, and hugs. It is comforting not only to the parents to engage in this way, but for their children to see love between parents.

Thank you Josh, for loving me like my Dad loves my Mom. I am blessed to have you. It is exactly because of who you are that I have no problem kissing you and telling this to the world.

Truth Glows

Many have been surprised to learn that I have struggles beyond Multiple Sclerosis (MS), being a military wife and obesity. These are simply the most obvious tools in which I feel most comfortable in discussing challenges. 

It's because they are the most obvious challenges that they are the least damming of me to admit to, as well as to be the drawing board to say the things that I have to say.

There have been some very dark times in my life and I'm continually surprised when others comment on how things come so easy for me and that I have a "perfect life". 

Some have even said that they feel like I judge them for what they do - because I could never understand the circumstance(s) that they find themselves in. Or that they think I'm judgmental, because everything seemingly comes so easy to me (insert a lot of coughing and hysterical laughing here). Who's judging who?

The reality is that I simply really do care about people in general. I try not to pass judgment. If anything, I feel a great deal of empathy and sympathy. 

I wouldn't wish sadness, darkness, and loss of hope or motivation on anyone; I know because I've been there. 

I believe that one of our biggest challenges in this life, 
is to love ourselves unconditionally. 
To love ourselves the way that we are hoping 
to experience love from another before we die - yet, 
we don't even invest in ourselves this way. 

Why? 

I have an intense desire to reach out and shake as many people as possible - to let them know that they are worth everything and deserve happiness and joy. 

It's kind of like the poem I posted a while back called Imaginary Villain. We oftentimes create an idea of what we believe others think about us, when it couldn't be further from the truth. Dammit! Why do we do that?

I've found that when you actually believe you are of value, worth more than the bad ways people (or yourself) continually treat you, then your character simply radiates. 

This radiating joy and inner peace just glows. It is this that attracts those in search of light and hope. It is also this same glow that repels others who aren't ready for the hope, the belief... lasting change. 

Joy and happiness are a daily decision and the people that glow have decided; it's just that simple.

I've been enjoying http://www.futureme.org/ as a means to set up safe guards for myself. Maybe you want to try it out too. I do this because I know how easy it is for me to lose hope; to slide backwards. 

You see, I have a melancholy disposition. I need words of affirmation from myself in order to believe in myself. When we find our truth and embrace it, then it glows for all to see. 

In doing so, others can see that it's possible to attain. It is by this that others find the daring within themselves to try. To me, finding the daring within - to simply try, has come from several sources over the course of my life. I could never say "thank you" enough to those people.

It's been really interesting to know that during some of my darkest hours was when I was actually shining the most for others. People would point this out and I was internally floored, because life at those particular points was downright awful. Why was that? 

This drove me nuts to hear. It's akin to the days that you get a lot of compliments on your appearance, when that was the day you literally rolled out of bed with semi-greasy hair, neglected to brush your teeth and failed to even put on essential underclothes.  

I wonder if it was because during those times of my life, I was working my hardest to be honest; despite what I was facing. I was in survival mode. 

Only a few things really matter when you are in survival mode and it was during those times that I was being humble enough to speak the truth. I was speaking the truth not just to others, but to myself - because nothing else mattered but the truth. 

When the darkness eases up, I'm left barely breathing from the recovery, but still fighting to come out of the shadows. In times past, I've left the dark running full speed ahead, never looking back or learning from the situation. 

Then there have been times when I've left the dark, crawling on all fours and vowing to learn from what I had just came through. I've worked hard to apply what I had just learned from those experiences. I don't like re-learning. So I opt to crawl a lot of the time. 

I doubt myself constantly. I'm trying not to lie to myself anymore. It's a daily battle. But I must move forward and it is the forward motion that is key. 

This is where heroes are made. This is where you become the shining light in the darkness for someone else. Why? Because you are hanging on with all you've got left and others may be secretly hanging on to your coattails. 

They are desperately grasping on to anything that has light - in efforts to be saved. This is the action and face that movies are made of. 

Simply put, I believe that you glow during these times 
because something greater than yourself 

is sustaining you...
and that's the truth!

Mirror Therapy

I've mentioned this term "Mirror Therapy" in a few of my posts before.  I would like to explain what the heck it is and why I do it.  

I'm not certain if this is something that someone else has already discovered or patented as a therapy method or not, but this I discovered on my own.  It has made all the difference.

First you must understand that I am a liar; primarily to myself.  I have decided that there are many things that I have told myself and have believed that simply aren't true.  

I have wanted to undo the damage that I thought others had done to me, but I have come to find out that it was mostly me that had done the damage.  

Sure others have affected me, but the bulk of the things I believed and told myself were self-perpetuated.  I didn't really get that until just a few years ago.

One day during a workout, I found that anger fueled the routine.  I was angry because I had received many compliments over the past few weeks and months about how good I looked.  

I encountered sheer amazement from others about the weight I had lost; some hadn't even recognized me.  I was so angry that others could see the changes, but I couldn't.  

I felt the changes, but couldn't honestly see them myself - so that's totally not healthy, right?  I was angry enough that I quit my workout and was about to leave my home gym.  

As I was headed to the door, I looked in the big mirror and saw a picture of Jesse Owens hanging behind me.  I have admired this picture since I was in Junior High School.  

Then I looked above the mirror and saw the stenciled script that Josh and I put above the mirror.  It says, "Believe In Yourself".  I then looked in the mirror and wondered if Jesse Owens ever doubted himself in preparation for the Olympics.  

The day before this I had just finished reading some material about Abraham Lincoln.  I learned about his personal struggles that ran concurrent with the amazing things that he accomplished as the President of the United States.  

There was a ton of things that raced through my head at that moment.  I simply couldn't leave the room yet.  I got on the inversion table, which is right by the mirror and felt compelled to look in the mirror as I was hanging upside down.

While hanging by my feet I looked in the mirror and told myself that I refused to leave that room until I could see something new and good about me. 

I found something interesting... I couldn't look myself in the eyes.  I was looking at me, but my eyes never met.  The experience of looking at my own eyes was like walking on thick ice, it was so slippery I couldn't make contact.

After quite some time of trying to make eye contact with myself, I gave up and looked elsewhere.  I eventually saw the contour of my jaw line.  

It wasn't puffy like I normally see when I look in the mirror.  I had a jaw line and it was defined!  Well that was new!  Recognizing this certainly counted as seeing something new and I promptly got off the inversion table and got the heck out of that uncomfortable situation. 

What's up with that? I was uncomfortable and it was just me!  I realized that was simply not right.  How much damage had I done?  As I was walking up stairs, I said aloud to myself, "Damn it, I'm worth more than that!"  

That announcement startled me.  It startled me that I said it, I believed it, and I was secretly hoping that Josh wasn't home and had heard me.

I contemplated that experience for several days.  I found myself compelled after each workout to get on the inversion table and commence looking into the mirror, until I could see something new and good about myself.  

I repeatedly rediscovered my jaw line and over time other features.  I discovered and rediscovered time and time again, but I couldn't make eye contact.  

How could this be?  I do my hair and make-up every day.  I am looking at myself!  Over time, I learned that I actually wasn't looking at myself, I was looking around, but not at me.  

It was nearly three months later that I was able to make eye contact for about thirty seconds.  It was then that I realized why it was so hard to do.  

I have lied to myself for so long and honestly disliked myself so much that I was afraid to make eye contact and actually see that I was the problem.  I was the liar.  

I was the one that had done so much damage, by telling myself things that simply weren't true.  It was after this experience that I committed to myself not to leave the gym until I had made eye contact with myself.  

I usually discovered or rediscovered something about myself long before I could make eye contact.  I learned that if I could just make eye contact, I could see if I had been lying to myself that day or not.  

I could fix the damage that had been done that day, by having a real heart-to-heart with myself once eye contact was made.  It is extremely difficult to lie to yourself, when you are HONESTLY seeing yourself.  

After a time I learned that my little therapy sessions were a two-part kind of deal.  There was the Physical Mirror Therapy (seeing the physical me as it is) and the Mental Mirror Therapy (seeing me for who I really am inside).  

Over time I had learned that I am no good to anyone else, until I am good and of value to myself.  

Can you make eye contact with yourself?  What do you see?  If you can and the effect is positive,  I am so proud of you!  I encourage you to see the good, the lovely, the truth again and again for all of your life.  

If you can't make eye contact, try until you can, so that you can undo the lies and breathe freely every day.  Get to know yourself, discover the beauty of who you really are.  

There's not a single soul on this earth, no matter what they have done, who doesn't deserve to see who they really are and then make the necessary changes to have their behavior match their inner beauty.  

This is one of the places where peace is found.  This is one of the places where we can find the strength and courage to make lasting changes.  I would encourage you to see and then believe.

Abiding Love

Thursday was our 10th wedding anniversary! We stayed at a bed and breakfast east of Ogden, Utah that we've wanted to stay at for quite some time. 

So we stayed there, had a nice dinner, then went hiking the next day in Adams Canyon. Life has been pretty interesting for us the last little while and we both needed to get away.

No one said that married life is easy and we have worked hard to get to ten years. Life has had its own twists and turns for us, but at dinner last night I caught a glimpse of something that humbled me.

We went to a really nice restaurant in the canyon and were seated in an area where there were only us and an elderly couple a table away. 

During dinner, it was obvious that something was wrong with the woman and the table was very silent. At one point the lady tried to drink her iced tea and it spilled down her shirt. 

Her husband very soothingly patted her hand and said "it's okay, don't worry about it." Not long after that, the waitress brought out some dessert for the couple. 

There were lit candles and the waitress proceeded to wish them a happy 5fifty-sixth wedding anniversary. The elderly women looked surprised and looked to the man to confirm, he nodded his head that it was true and gestured to the candle for her to blow it out. 

That was quite an ordeal for her to do, but it got done - with help. Not long after that they left the table, which took quite some effort. 

Her husband was so kind and patient and he obviously was in love and in no hurry. He clearly was just trying to make this a nice night for his wife. 

It took ten minutes for them to get to their car. As I watched them, I felt myself get a little teary-eyed as it hit me that this is what love is all about... I'm not even sure I can articulate it...

This couple was gentle with each other, holding hands, looking lovingly into each others' eyes... I'm certain that life together hasn't been one hundred percent pleasant, but they most certainly loved each other. 

This woman possibly suffered a stroke at some point or maybe was dealing with Alzheimer's as well. Though she was old, sagging, belched at dinner, drooled half her drink onto her shirt and her husband had to feed her quite a bit, she was beautiful to him and everything about him showed that's what he felt.

Things don't always work out perfectly or to plan. Many times life is more difficult than it is easy. 

We make mistakes, we argue, we get frustrated, and for what? For the opportunity to love and be loved unconditionally. I'm sure it took years, effort beyond imagination, and patience galore for this elderly couple to get to the level of love that I witnessed. 

I almost felt like an intruder simply being present for their moment. I'm thankful I was able to witness it though. I feel indebted to these strangers for this lesson I learned. 

Now the burden is mine to make sure I do everything possible to love my spouse, so that one day when we drool, forget things, sag and lose control of bodily functions, the other will be there to lovingly pat the others hand and say, "it's okay, don't worry about it" and then look at each other with a deep, abiding love.

And So It Goes...

When joy happens, I celebrate it. When frustration impedes progress, I swear, dwell a little and then move on. When excitement occurs, I am filled with wonder while enjoying the reaction(s) of others. 

Sadness enters the room and I am amazed at the various responses of those around me, while hoping I’m unnoticed long enough to get a grip before I truly respond. 

Regardless of the type of event and the impact, embracing what was learned and then moving on with the new knowledge is crucial. 

I remember times when I’ve sat down and wallowed in pity and have also compared it to being able to pick up and move on. 

I also recall reveling too long in the joy that I failed to see the reality and impact of what slowing down and becoming lazy can do. 

Josh once shared with me a quote about how when boating, the captain must constantly be checking the direction, monitoring the effects of the ever changing weather and how those conditions can alter, enhance, and hinder the progress of sailing. 

A little checking there, a little tweaking here, being mindful of the subtleties in the wind can make all the difference on arriving at the intended destination on time and safely. 

Suddenly the full ramifications of the term “sailing” took on a completely new meaning to me. Rude awakenings occur when ignorance and negligence are present, whereas being aware of the potential of subtle shifts and tracking them aid in gaining more ground (progress) in the long run. 

This constant action of checks and balances in life make things appear to fit together at the right time, just in time, all the time; which give the effect of “sailing”. 

This sailing may not have always been smooth, but more ground was covered almost by leaps and bounds. 

Though there are scary moments in sudden shifts, and while at times it may also have the appearance of trudging through the mire, you still cover more ground. 

You still are propelled at just the right speed, to pick up and find yourself further along (in a good way) than if you’d just let the wind and waves push you wherever they could; without direction or care from you.

“Life” is what happens when we simply let the wind control our direction. “Living” is a conscious effort of aiding the wind to get us where we need to be. 

Sailing requires more action than drifting. I have drifted. I prefer sailing.