Saturday, January 7, 2012

Messed in the Head



I haven't wanted to admit it, but I do struggle with the marbles rolling around in my brain and I'm tired of feeling afraid of the things that I have been experiencing... um, the downright freakishness that is occurring. 

The "freaky" I'm talking about is called cognitive dysfunction. The kind of stuff I am experiencing are things I had anticipated dealing with much later in life (way far down the road), as part of the natural aging process. 

There are also other things that I hadn't anticipated struggling with at all - these things have me the most nervous - scared. I'm thirty-six (I think)... yes, I am, I just did the math... but cognitively, well, I'm older and struggling. 

To the people that I work with, friends and family I hang out with - you may have not noticed any issues, but they are there. 

If you haven't noticed, then either I'm hiding it well or you are caught up in your own world. If this is the case, I'm sorry for not having noticed whatever the heck it is that you are dealing with... (sigh)... we all have something don't we? But I hope you are well.

Because of the freakiness that I've been experiencing, I've decided that I need to stretch my mind a bit. So, I am heading back to school; classes start this next week. 

I already have a bachelor's degree and I'm already quite settled in a profession, but that doesn't mean I don't need to challenge myself. 

The local community college offers a series of classes that fit right up my alley with regards to a few of the short and long term goals that I have planned for myself. 

Another reason I am doing this is to combat my fears regarding the cognitive dysfunction I have been experiencing in relation to my multiple sclerosis. 

"But you look so good, Diana!" I, like the rest of the world, have challenges that are not always visible. Part of the cruel challenges of MS are the things that others can't see. But that is the same with life in general, isn't it?

I use silence and deliberate speech to process things that I should have comprehended sooner. I need a few minutes to myself periodically throughout the day to breathe, review and absorb what has happened. 

This is how I am able to avert the panic that occurs with confusion as I'm trying to comprehend stuff. It hasn't always been like this and it may not always be like this either, but for now - the issues are present. 

So, I'm going back to school. Throwing myself part-time into a structured learning environment to learn some things that will be of great benefit to me. 

I figured that if I were to take classes that will help me achieve some of my goals, then I will be more patient with the cognitive frustrations that I am currently facing. 

I'm going to be taking one or two classes at a time and just taking whatever time I need to do them.

All of these courses will challenge me in some way or another, as well as help me gain insight, all while achieving other goals that I have a sincere interest in. 

If I start randomly swearing at you in the next few months, please forgive me and gently remind me that I made this choice, and in the long run, it will be very beneficial.

... any willing tutors out there for Human Biology, Kinesiology and/or Exercise Physiology?

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