Worth The Effort

I was asked once, “What is your plan to see yourself as Heavenly Father [God] sees you?” I feel compelled to share what my answer was. 

Before I came to my conclusion though, you should know that I took over a month to come up with an answer. It was a very rough and tough process for me. 

When the answer came though, it was like a light turned on inside. The answer I came up with may not be for everyone, but the power of it for me is like a dichotomous energizing burden on my heart - I know that for me this is not only true, but critical.

It all comes down to honesty. We are all amazing people and we all do amazing things; this is God’s universal gift to mankind. 

Why is it then that we fail to see the good or amazing things within ourselves or the things that we do for others? Simply put, because we are human, we have a natural tendency to lie, disbelieve, doubt, and fear - especially about ourselves.

If we are honest with ourselves and honest about ourselves, then we have a greater likelihood of being honest with our spouses, children and everyone else we deal with. 

Most of all, if we are honest and fight hard for internal integrity, then we will be more likely to be honest with God in our daily activities, prayers, thoughts and deeds. In doing so, we can begin to see ourselves from God’s perspective.

Simply put, we must be honest, because everything else in life is immensely affected by that effort.

SLC Half Marathon (April 17, 2011)

Diana (left) and Brenda (right) after finishing the SLC Half-Marathon!

In February my older sister Brenda asked if she could join me in my goal of running the Salt Lake City Half-Marathon. I must admit I was humbled and honored that she wanted to do something like this for me or with me. 

I’ve always looked up to Brenda with regards to her running. She might be older, but she’s a quick one and always has been. Her walk is hard to keep up with sometimes, so I was a little worried about keeping up with her running. 

She said on the phone numerous times that she wants to run “with” me the entire way. I’m still amazed that she did this. She flew out from Georgia, knowing she’d have an elevation change to contend with and potentially a slower pace.

Within a week of her confirming her registration for the half-m and purchasing her ticket, I began battling some difficulties with my bowels. In the runner’s circle it’s called “runner’s gut” or “runner’s diarrhea”, it was so bad that I got really worried about whether or not I could pull the mileage off for this kind of running. 

In addition to my runner's gut, my right foot started giving me a little grief. So, I’m training and resting at the same time. Mixing the two is an interesting and nerve-wracking experience, especially when the timeframe is short and the miles are long.

My husband Josh came to pick me up after one particular training run that was cut short due my bowels. I was shooting for eleven miles, but was only able to get to three miles that day. As we were driving home, I was angry. 

Mortified about my experience, but not embarrassed, if that can make sense. I was absolutely livid that I didn’t meet my goal for that day. I was so ticked off that I decided to punish myself and tried to hit an eleven-miler the very next day. 

I was only able to get eight and a half miles out of that run due to the same issues. I was very weak and tired. So I pulled my phone from my running belt, sat down on the curb and called my husband to pick me up for the second time. 

While Josh was driving, I had a thought about my experiences the last two days and so I voiced it to him. I said, “I never believed that there would be a day where I would be upset that I was only able to complete a three-miler or even eight and a half miles.” Oh my holy freaking cow! I was upset that I didn’t get to eleven miles! 

Something changed inside my heart and I was thrilled about what I had accomplished so far. At that moment I knew, that come hell or high water I would do this. I would be okay and that God would get me through. It was like a total instant flash and replay of prayers uttered and prayers answered. 

I was reminded what was promised. I was filled with calm and amazement of what I knew I could and would do in just a few weeks. To make it more amazing, my sister would be an awesome presence at my side. I had nothing to fear and everything to gain.

Thursday, April 15, 2011: Race bib pick-up and Brenda arrives.

Friday, April 16, 2011: Time with family. Pre-race reflexology appointments for our feet. To bed early and a semi-restless night. I was excited and nervous. I slept maybe four hours.

RACE DAY

Up at four-thirty in the morning to stretch and ready myself for the run. Josh drove us up really close to the starting area. On the way it was sprinkling a bit; it had been crazy wet, snowy, windy weather a few days prior. 

I was praying to God, anything but wind, as wind challenges my balance something fierce. There was no wind, so I was very relieved. I was anxious for the pre-race preambling to get over with, and during that time Brenda took off her sweats so she would be in her running shorts; at that time I saw something that just brought tears to my eyes. 

Brenda had written all over the back of her legs with motivating themes, if ever I should fall behind. On her left leg it read “Go Diana” and had MS crossed out. On the right leg it read “Diana Is A Non-stop Athlete”. 

Emotionally this just about made me break down into tears, but motivationally it instantly washed away all my fears and anxiety. I was ready to run and run well.

So as not to get bumped by eager runners at the start, we lingered back to let them go by. We started out at what felt like a really nice and slow pace for a warm up. 

After one and a half miles I looked down at my watch to see that we were running a ten minute, ten second per mile pace. Which was a lot faster than either of us thought we’d start out at. 

We kept a ten minute, ten to twenty second minute per mile pace for the first six and a half or seven miles, and it felt surprisingly good. During this time though, I had to take two pit stops because of the bowels (dang it!), but we kept on with our quick pace and Brenda said I ran better after my potty breaks. 

I kept thinking to myself about how much faster I could have run if I felt more confident in “keeping things together”. Looking back, I think it was God’s way of keeping me from running too fast and burning myself out before the finish.

It was totally awesome to see my sister Natalie around mile four and a half. When Brenda spotted her, she told me that at that moment Soul Sister was playing on her playlist, so that was fitting in a fun way. 

Then our brother Jesse and sister Melene (who also has MS) were around mile five with signs. That was such an energy charge! 

Then at about mile six there were several members from my husband's side of the family. Josh had somehow finagled his way through the starting line traffic and was there as well. This was a total boost! 

Dad and Mom were somewhere around mile seven and I was so surprised since I didn’t know they were coming. That was so cool!

I had envisioned running through the beautiful Sugar House neighborhood, but have never done it before. It was very pretty and oddly soothing. Around mile eight my right foot was being moody and giving a little grief - enough to let me know it was there. 

It was then that my favorite song by Joan Baez started playing. That song carried me through as I focused on the words and realized that nothing could stop me now. 

I felt good. I was running well. And my sister was such a motivation to have at my side. I was enjoying this run and simply tickled to be running with Brenda. 

I was amazed at the family support. I was humbled by the belief that others had in me. Soon after this line of thinking, we were running through Liberty Park and I knew that I would need a bathroom once again - but that would be just fine. 

Shortly before the port-a-potties I noticed a woman favoring one of her legs and crying. 

I was filled with emotion as I recalled all the support that I had there that day, all the hard work that I had done, all the trials that occurred during my training, and that I was soon to pass mile ten and enter uncharted miles for myself. 

My goal was to finish and hope that I could do so without walking any of it; so far God had held up his promises. I simply couldn’t pass by this woman without encouraging her to do what she has set out to do, which was to finish what she had started. 

If I didn’t encourage her, there was no way I could honorably finish my run in my heart. While running very slowly at her side I put my arms around her and simply told her that she could do this. 

Even if she has to walk it, she could complete this "half-m". I told her to listen to her body and she would be able to know when to start running again; that she could indeed do this. 

I then had to excuse myself and use the potty or it would be bad news. I took care of business and then we were on our way again. By this time we were running about a ten minute, fifty second mile.

As we crossed mile ten I smiled. I did so because I felt good. I was happy because I knew that I had trained well. Then I saw that lady I had spoken to not long ago and she was going slow, but she was running again! 

I was renewed and filled with joy and excitement for her. Seeing her brought tears to my eyes. At that moment I became more aware of the song Ruins by Bebo Norman that was playing in my ears at that moment:

This is my holy hour, This is my world on fire

This is my desperate play, This is where I am saved

I've no fear of height or depth

I've no fear of crashing

The single thing I fear the most:

Simply feeling nothing

This is my holy hour, This is my world on fire

This is my desperate play, This is where I am made

This is my kingdom come, This is my freedom song

This is my helpless state, This is where I am saved

I simply had to speed up and applaud her. This was her ‘desperate play’, her ‘holy hour’ and she was giving it all she had. I was doing the same in my own way as I was soon to pass mile eleven. 

We needed to celebrate this! I was thrilled to see her smiling and I could see the renewed determination she had. Go girl!

Not long after this success of achieving mile eleven, we were looking at my parents and sister Natalie again. God bless and thank you for that support! 

Around mile twelve we saw my sister-in-law Lori and nephew Isaac supporting runners by handing out water. That is a huge support! Once we crested State Street and South Temple Hill I noted that we were running eleven minutes, twenty seconds per mile! 

Approaching the final stretch, Brenda asked how I wanted to finish. I told her the same way I finish every run. I punch it and give it all I have. 

Brenda said she was game for a strong finish and then all of the sudden that magician husband of mine and his sister appeared out of nowhere. Waving and cheering us on. An instant replay and reflection of what I had envisioned so many times played in my mind’s eye at that point. 

While recalling the words of Bebo singing Ruins, as I noted above. I could feel it. This was my holy hour and my world was on fire, but this time my play wasn't desperate. I knew I could do this. 

I am not helpless mentally or physically. I have won and conquered and in that knowledge, I am saved. So I sprinted with all I had left in me and held my sister’s hand across the finish line! 

My watch recorded that we ran 13.17 miles with an eleven minute, twenty-two second mile per hour average with a total time of only two hours, twenty-nine minutes! I swear I could feel God smiling down. I felt so much gratitude in my heart. I still do. 

Especially since my goal from a year ago was to simply to run a 5k sponsored by MS Walk 2011 (April 30th). With God’s help I’ve achieved my goal and a whole lot more!

(Above: my sister, Natalie)

Poetry Corner: The Folds Of Me

The following is the poem that I mentioned in my previous posting on Monday, January 17, 2011.

The Folds Of Me

I discovered

that I’ve decided

the shell of me

is as strong as my mind

determines it to be –

I am no longer chained by

Fear

Can I?

What if?

I’ve begun a delicate process of peeling back layers,

finding something very curious in the folds

of what once was a large mess of

flesh, emotion –

And when life creeps in,

to steal away this precious truth,

I’ve prepared for that time

by choosing now

that I’ve already committed …

I know now that

there are always

options.

I know the simple truth can bend to fit

at all times,

because I’ve already seen the

power of believing that

I can

I have

I will

By Diana M. Bateman

2010 ©

Diana, May 2008

Diana, Jan 2011

Reflections, Observations, Looking Forward.

Approximately 90lbs earlier these were very, very tight.

I’ve been very contemplative this winter and I think it would be an injustice to myself if I didn’t articulate some of my thoughts. 

I really challenged myself in 2010 and I intend to continue surprising myself in 2011. I feel like I am in a hurry to do a whole heap o’stuff because I don’t know when relapse will occur and then I realized two things:

1. What I’ve been doing is called living without holding back - I wish I’d started this sooner. But no regrets, because I have begun and desire to continue this path.
2. I can’t live in fear of a relapse with my Multiple Sclerosis or my weight. My goal was to work on my body to get it where it is now [insert clappin here] and then continue to be the strongest I possibly can be. The philosophy was that by doing so, that IF an MS relapse occurred, then I should potentially be able to recover more quickly and easily. Yeah for meeting goals!

Regarding the first point above: I’ve learned that life is a continual dance of carefully crafted decisions, creativity, putting things into action and then following up with compromise. 

For example: Meeting one of my goals of going hiking with Josh required creativity and investment in trekking poles. The compromise was letting him pick the freakishly long hike and not complain or express fear. 

If he thought I could, then I had to believe that I could as well. (see the 06/04/10 blog entry, “Free At Last” with Trekking Poles)

Regarding the second point above: I’ve learned that strength, ‘true strength’ comes from the inside. I wish I really knew how to articulate this... I’ve written a poem about this (titled “The Folds Of Me” ) and I’m in the process of editing it. So to explain this second point further, maybe I will post the poem here as soon as it’s ready.

I’m determined and committed not to give up. It may require continued creativity and problem solving, but I’ve seen that anything is possible with enough planning, patience, determination and belief. 

In the future, I plan to continue overcoming big hurdles and my many fears. I couldn’t have gotten to this point without shedding the weight that I have and ridding myself of the emotional baggage that went along with it.

As a side reflection, I wanted to list a few experiences that I had that were important to me as I was losing weight; such as: 

1. learning what a xiphoid process is; 
2. what it’s like to see the seat of the car between my thighs;
3.  being able to see my cheekbone; 
4. clasping my hands and feeling thinner fingers; 
5. seeing that I actually really do have kneecaps; 
6. knowing that the weight on my Utah Driver’s License is actually true now; 
7. unburdening my “Steroids Happen” bin from the clothing sizes I won’t need again. 

Lastly, I want to remember the personal experiences that I had doing self-evaluations in the mirror, as I was trying to rebuild me from the inside out. 

These were the times I was more honest with myself than I’ve ever been before in my life. I need to hold myself accountable. I’ve lied to myself for a great deal of my life and I’m tired of playing the fool by believing all of those lies.

For me, being vocal is important. What’s the point of learning life lessons without sharing them? I have MS and I don’t regret it. 

This disease has provided an avenue for me to find myself, in a sense. I’ve been able to connect with countless others and be made all the better for it. 

Once upon a time I used to be terrified of my future because of this disease. I am no longer afraid; I am hopeful.

My Road Back

Heceta Head Lighthouse, Yachats, OR

(Photo Taken By Diana M. Bateman, Sept 2010)

During all of 2006 and most of 2007, I spiraled out of control with my health and my MS started to rear its ugly head. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I stopped caring. 

I stopped wanting to care. Not just about me, nor was it centered on my MS. I simply just didn’t care. I had moments of clarity though. 

During those times I tried to do what I’ve always done when in emotional distress. I wrote. That is when I began this blog actually. It has been very therapeutic for me to articulate my thoughts and feelings in this manner. 

However, my internal attitude was very melancholy for a number of years. I’m sure it was draining for my husband... Just when I thought I was starting to come out of my dark place, many things converged and attempted to drown me even further. 

It was then that I actually hit the lowest point in my life (in 2008). I hated almost every minute of that year. There were so many blessings, but the incessant onslaught and gravity broke me.

In the fall of 2008, the stress had reached a critical point. Not knowing what else to do or where else to turn, I took my aggression out in our unfinished basement/make-shift gym. 

By the time January of 2009 arrived, I had literally sweated my way out of the darkest of it all. The weight loss was nice, but I was still vacant inside. 

It was around this time when I began to witnesses the rapid decline of Don, my father-in-law, from a sudden onset of a very aggressive cancer. 

During one of the early-on evening vigils at Don’s place, I was in a quiet moment where Don was resting on the couch; all others in the house were helping Nan, my bonus-Mom, in some way or another. I felt compelled in spirit and body to sit on the love seat and listen to his rhythmic, labored breathing. I’d seen him struggle and use all his might to be mobile while accepting little assistance. 

That stubborn man was relentless! It was while sitting there that I realized that what I’d been witnessing with him was a polar opposite to my own experience over the last few years. This somehow... unlocked me; I began to unfold right there. Something hit me hard at that moment and I realized I needed to make a change in my heart, my mind, my actions - I was not the person I wanted to be in this life’s journey. 

I was now compelled to internally rise to the occasion of my existence. I had given up on myself in a big, big way. I think some of Don’s determination transferred to me at that moment.

I was immediately compelled to make changes. Somehow a beacon of light turned on amidst the haziness and that light was centered in me. I do not claim to understand it, but something clicked and I knew that, despite my previous inaction, I wanted to live my life to the fullest. I also instantly knew what I needed to do. 

I furiously began making a list of short and long-term goals; forty-one in total. They were organized in order, with the short-term goals designed to help me get to the long-term goals. 

By the time I was done making that list, I was in tears, but smiling from the release... I’d finally let go of myself, so that I could emerge and move on with my life. 

When I was done, I looked up and saw Don looking at me and smirking. I have no idea how long he was watching me, but something told me he knew and could feel the power of the change that had just overcome me. 

He didn’t say anything; he just looked at me, sat up (with labor) and smiled the entire time. He nodded with understanding and the moment left as others came filing back into the room from their tasks.

So far, I’ve achieved twenty-seven of those forty-one goals. In order to see the next goal on the notepad of my iPhone, I have to scroll down the list of goals where “ACHIEVED” is written next to each and every one of those twenty-seven. 

By the time I get to the next goal on the list I am energized, because I’ve just seen repeated proof that the mantra I repeat while running is true and applicable elsewhere in life: I Can, I Have, I Will. 

This experience fills me with a surge akin to the one I had while sitting on the love seat at Don’s. I still feel Don near me in spirit. I feel several people nearby in spirit actually. But it is Don’s presence and light that has been radiating most recently.

The Best Halloween Treat Ever!

Tonight I attended a special Military fireside (event) wherein President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was the keynote speaker. This was an absolute amazing treat for me.

You see, in April 2010 at the Priesthood session of the Annual General Conference for the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), President Uchtdorf gave a talk called “Continue In Patience” that has meant a great deal to me. 

Though I was not in attendance at that particular event, I was able to later listen to the audio recording. 

This talk is so powerful that I’ve been compelled to listen to it almost every day - either driving to or from work ever since I purchased the recording in June 2010. 

Much peace and good sound advice is shared in that talk and oddly enough, it all boils down to how we consume marshmallows (insert chuckle here).

Tonight, I went through great efforts to make it to this Military event. Several obstacles ended up in my way. The biggest issue was fatigue. 

The day after my MS treatments often leaves me... lacking in energy. When I finally made it to the event location (five minutes prior to it's start), I was disheartened to see that cars lined the road several blocks back. 

I sighed and kept moving forward in the vehicle hoping for a miracle. I neared the parking lot and was stopped by an attendant who informed me that one spot in the actual parking lot would be opened and I could have it. 

It was being used for the shuttle that was bringing people to and fro. There was so much relief in my heart that I wouldn’t have to walk a great distance, because I didn’t have it in me. 

I got into the event to see that it was PACKED, but because I was alone I could squeeze into one spot not too far from the entrance and I was guided by an escort right to the spot. Whew! I made it.

Prior to beginning I was able to take a quick look around and behind me to take-in a sea of military uniforms and their civilian counterparts. 

It was an overwhelming and an awe-inspiring sight. Then the opening hymn of High On The Mountain Top began and I could hardly keep the tears back; there was so much gusto from all the male voices around me, it was amazing. Apparently, the event was being broadcast live to soldiers in Iraq (it was three-thirty in the morning their time); also a very humbling site.

Many wonderful things happened at this event and powerful words were shared; just as amazing as Uchtdorf’s talk on patience - but today, my take home message was wrapped up in these key points:

• Support courage to do what is right.
• Advance independent thinking.
• For our own sake, we need to be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of the Lord.
• This life is a time to learn to overcome challenges.
• Things of great worth are never “easy”.
• We can’t banish trials, but we can banish fear.
• God will not leave us comfortless.

We closed the meeting with the congregation singing, Onward Christian Soldiers and I simply couldn’t get through the song. I was too overcome by the beautiful choir all around me. These Christian soldiers and their families, pressing onward, united and joyful. I was honored to be in their presence tonight.

After the close of the meeting there seemed to be a pathway that opened up, especially for me - just like parking the car and finding a seat, I next found myself in front of President Uchtdorf and his beautiful wife Harriet. 

I was able to shake their hands and in a rare moment President Uchtdorf paused long enough for me to get the words out that I listen to his talk on patience daily and that I was compelled to let him know I’ve not eaten my marshmallow yet (a reference to the main point of his April 2010 address). He chuckled and embraced me with a very warm and strong hug that my soul needed.

I will never forget this night, or the gratitude I feel in my heart. Despite the challenges, I’m so blessed to be in the military world. 

It has all been worth it, simply to hear my fellow military families and service members singing the way they did tonight. God bless you (us) all.