Mirror Therapy

I've mentioned this term "Mirror Therapy" in a few of my posts before.  I would like to explain what the heck it is and why I do it.  

I'm not certain if this is something that someone else has already discovered or patented as a therapy method or not, but this I discovered on my own.  It has made all the difference.

First you must understand that I am a liar; primarily to myself.  I have decided that there are many things that I have told myself and have believed that simply aren't true.  

I have wanted to undo the damage that I thought others had done to me, but I have come to find out that it was mostly me that had done the damage.  

Sure others have affected me, but the bulk of the things I believed and told myself were self-perpetuated.  I didn't really get that until just a few years ago.

One day during a workout, I found that anger fueled the routine.  I was angry because I had received many compliments over the past few weeks and months about how good I looked.  

I encountered sheer amazement from others about the weight I had lost; some hadn't even recognized me.  I was so angry that others could see the changes, but I couldn't.  

I felt the changes, but couldn't honestly see them myself - so that's totally not healthy, right?  I was angry enough that I quit my workout and was about to leave my home gym.  

As I was headed to the door, I looked in the big mirror and saw a picture of Jesse Owens hanging behind me.  I have admired this picture since I was in Junior High School.  

Then I looked above the mirror and saw the stenciled script that Josh and I put above the mirror.  It says, "Believe In Yourself".  I then looked in the mirror and wondered if Jesse Owens ever doubted himself in preparation for the Olympics.  

The day before this I had just finished reading some material about Abraham Lincoln.  I learned about his personal struggles that ran concurrent with the amazing things that he accomplished as the President of the United States.  

There was a ton of things that raced through my head at that moment.  I simply couldn't leave the room yet.  I got on the inversion table, which is right by the mirror and felt compelled to look in the mirror as I was hanging upside down.

While hanging by my feet I looked in the mirror and told myself that I refused to leave that room until I could see something new and good about me. 

I found something interesting... I couldn't look myself in the eyes.  I was looking at me, but my eyes never met.  The experience of looking at my own eyes was like walking on thick ice, it was so slippery I couldn't make contact.

After quite some time of trying to make eye contact with myself, I gave up and looked elsewhere.  I eventually saw the contour of my jaw line.  

It wasn't puffy like I normally see when I look in the mirror.  I had a jaw line and it was defined!  Well that was new!  Recognizing this certainly counted as seeing something new and I promptly got off the inversion table and got the heck out of that uncomfortable situation. 

What's up with that? I was uncomfortable and it was just me!  I realized that was simply not right.  How much damage had I done?  As I was walking up stairs, I said aloud to myself, "Damn it, I'm worth more than that!"  

That announcement startled me.  It startled me that I said it, I believed it, and I was secretly hoping that Josh wasn't home and had heard me.

I contemplated that experience for several days.  I found myself compelled after each workout to get on the inversion table and commence looking into the mirror, until I could see something new and good about myself.  

I repeatedly rediscovered my jaw line and over time other features.  I discovered and rediscovered time and time again, but I couldn't make eye contact.  

How could this be?  I do my hair and make-up every day.  I am looking at myself!  Over time, I learned that I actually wasn't looking at myself, I was looking around, but not at me.  

It was nearly three months later that I was able to make eye contact for about thirty seconds.  It was then that I realized why it was so hard to do.  

I have lied to myself for so long and honestly disliked myself so much that I was afraid to make eye contact and actually see that I was the problem.  I was the liar.  

I was the one that had done so much damage, by telling myself things that simply weren't true.  It was after this experience that I committed to myself not to leave the gym until I had made eye contact with myself.  

I usually discovered or rediscovered something about myself long before I could make eye contact.  I learned that if I could just make eye contact, I could see if I had been lying to myself that day or not.  

I could fix the damage that had been done that day, by having a real heart-to-heart with myself once eye contact was made.  It is extremely difficult to lie to yourself, when you are HONESTLY seeing yourself.  

After a time I learned that my little therapy sessions were a two-part kind of deal.  There was the Physical Mirror Therapy (seeing the physical me as it is) and the Mental Mirror Therapy (seeing me for who I really am inside).  

Over time I had learned that I am no good to anyone else, until I am good and of value to myself.  

Can you make eye contact with yourself?  What do you see?  If you can and the effect is positive,  I am so proud of you!  I encourage you to see the good, the lovely, the truth again and again for all of your life.  

If you can't make eye contact, try until you can, so that you can undo the lies and breathe freely every day.  Get to know yourself, discover the beauty of who you really are.  

There's not a single soul on this earth, no matter what they have done, who doesn't deserve to see who they really are and then make the necessary changes to have their behavior match their inner beauty.  

This is one of the places where peace is found.  This is one of the places where we can find the strength and courage to make lasting changes.  I would encourage you to see and then believe.

Poetry Corner: Great Expectations

I wrote this piece when I was in college. This work is what gave me the idea a few years ago to start what I call Mirror Therapy; maybe I will take a moment in my next blog entry and explain what Mirror Therapy is.

Great Expectations

I stood alone

staring into my shadow

hoping to see the image

of a friend I know

The epitome of womanhood,

perfection

kindness

hope

eternal friendship

I stood still

hoping my shadow would become light

hoping my shadow

wasn’t really “just me”

I stood alone

I stood still

I stood in prayer

waiting

to see the image of a friend

in me

By Diana M. Bateman
1995 ©

Abiding Love

Thursday was our 10th wedding anniversary! We stayed at a bed and breakfast east of Ogden, Utah that we've wanted to stay at for quite some time. 

So we stayed there, had a nice dinner, then went hiking the next day in Adams Canyon. Life has been pretty interesting for us the last little while and we both needed to get away.

No one said that married life is easy and we have worked hard to get to ten years. Life has had its own twists and turns for us, but at dinner last night I caught a glimpse of something that humbled me.

We went to a really nice restaurant in the canyon and were seated in an area where there were only us and an elderly couple a table away. 

During dinner, it was obvious that something was wrong with the woman and the table was very silent. At one point the lady tried to drink her iced tea and it spilled down her shirt. 

Her husband very soothingly patted her hand and said "it's okay, don't worry about it." Not long after that, the waitress brought out some dessert for the couple. 

There were lit candles and the waitress proceeded to wish them a happy 5fifty-sixth wedding anniversary. The elderly women looked surprised and looked to the man to confirm, he nodded his head that it was true and gestured to the candle for her to blow it out. 

That was quite an ordeal for her to do, but it got done - with help. Not long after that they left the table, which took quite some effort. 

Her husband was so kind and patient and he obviously was in love and in no hurry. He clearly was just trying to make this a nice night for his wife. 

It took ten minutes for them to get to their car. As I watched them, I felt myself get a little teary-eyed as it hit me that this is what love is all about... I'm not even sure I can articulate it...

This couple was gentle with each other, holding hands, looking lovingly into each others' eyes... I'm certain that life together hasn't been one hundred percent pleasant, but they most certainly loved each other. 

This woman possibly suffered a stroke at some point or maybe was dealing with Alzheimer's as well. Though she was old, sagging, belched at dinner, drooled half her drink onto her shirt and her husband had to feed her quite a bit, she was beautiful to him and everything about him showed that's what he felt.

Things don't always work out perfectly or to plan. Many times life is more difficult than it is easy. 

We make mistakes, we argue, we get frustrated, and for what? For the opportunity to love and be loved unconditionally. I'm sure it took years, effort beyond imagination, and patience galore for this elderly couple to get to the level of love that I witnessed. 

I almost felt like an intruder simply being present for their moment. I'm thankful I was able to witness it though. I feel indebted to these strangers for this lesson I learned. 

Now the burden is mine to make sure I do everything possible to love my spouse, so that one day when we drool, forget things, sag and lose control of bodily functions, the other will be there to lovingly pat the others hand and say, "it's okay, don't worry about it" and then look at each other with a deep, abiding love.

And That's The Truth!

As mentioned in Get In My Belly (Part II), there were a few books that were particularly enlightening to me. 

I would like to do a review on some of them. This blog entry will specifically address how The Four Agreements and The Voice of Knowledge both authored by Don Miguel Ruiz affected me. I may cover a few other books at a later date.

First of all, you should know that I don't know this man, but he has changed my thinking a great deal. So it is fair to say that a stranger changed my life for the better. 

I read The Four Agreements (TFA) for the first time in 2007. It literally became a lifeline to help me get through the next few years of my life. In this book I learned the following:

1. I was negatively influencing my own reality by being dishonest with myself.
2. I didn't like who I was and couldn't stand to be in my own skin, all because I hadn't found a way to love and accept myself. 
3. Somewhere along the way in this life I told myself that I was: insignificant, dismissible, unimportant, forgettable, replaceable, unintelligent and an unworthy of investment and I believed it.
4. I was living in fear that everyone else around me would find out that the aforementioned conclusions might actually be true. I assumed that these things were true and therefore I assumed everyone else would see and believe these things about me as well. 

After reading TFA I took several months to take a comprehensive inventory. I went through an internal deconstruction. 

I discovered that none of those points that I mentioned above were actually true. The only one who believed those things about me was me. 

The only true statement above was the first one. I saw that I needed to redefine my self-perception. I needed to view my reality without all the lies. 

I needed to embrace honesty and learn to love me for who I am.

I later read The Voice of Knowledge (TVK), which is a follow-up and companion volume to TFA. These books combined sort of became my friends during my deconstruction and reconstruction phases. 

I had later come to realize the outline of me, through the help of TVK. With an outline, I was then able to enter the reconstruction phase. 

I was beginning to take shape and realized that this Diana is the one that had always existed, I just didn't believe it - I didn't know her.

The only real difference between Pre-Diana & Post-Diana was the hazy wall that surrounded her like a cocoon. It simply distorted and hid the reality. 

Until I could be honest with myself that cocoon would always remain. I later found that I was ready to accept the truth of me. 

I could handle seeing and try to believe it now. This is actually quite difficult to do. Until this point I couldn't even meet my own eyes in the mirror, let alone think nice things about myself. 

It's like living in a dark cave without light and then all of the sudden standing on a mountain top in full view of the sun. The contrast was that drastic. It was an "Aha! Moment". In fact, I blogged a little bit about that experience earlier in My Road Back.

We are worth the effort of constantly struggling to see the value of you, me... we... This is a good life, filled with amazing things and opportunities. 

Why do we fall in to the trap of constantly limiting ourselves, simply because we doubt our worth and potential? We have a purpose. 

Why do we lie and try to fool ourselves, eventually letting the weaker part of us be in the driver seat? We owe it to ourselves to be honest. 

There is freedom in the heart and mind when you lay down each night knowing that you have done your best to be truthful.

Get In My Belly! (Part III, end of soap box... for now)

These last few posts, in no way are meant to be a finger pointing opportunity to blame my parents for my issues today. 

As a matter of fact, if you ever said that you've never made a meal that went wrong, never purchased junk food, made bad meal choices and never had a vice of any kind, I simply wouldn't believe you. 

I have been blessed to live a privileged life to where I have access to garden space, money, grocery stores and food. I have a choice as to what I eat and when. 

I’ve also come to realize that the reason you often see the words "diet" and "exercise" coupled is because they truly go hand in hand.

I have also learned a variety of exercises for functional movement and living. I have grilled trainers and those living with disabilities to know what muscles are essential to have strong, based on the type of disability you have. 

I’ve done this because if I have an option for any amount of independence - regardless of what comes my way, I want to be empowered to do it. 

I realize how susceptible I am to loss of motivation, fear, and doubt… I’m tired of setting myself up for failure.

Phrases like "for only six easy payments of nineteen ninety-five", "exercise not needed to see results", and "see changes in just eight weeks" make me angry. 

If it’s low fat, that doesn’t mean you need double the portion size to be satisfied. Living life is an enduring commitment with daily decisions and habits that determine our success. 

There's nothing easy about it. Living life requires exercise all-day, everyday. We walk, get up, brush teeth... and we hope to do these things independently now and for the rest of our days. But what if we don’t? I’m determined to live everyday like it was my last.

It's much easier for me to simply make lifestyle changes and remove the roller coaster that these quick fixes bring.

Now you may think I am a crazy lady and might restrict what I eat in insane ways. I don't. I am human. 

What I eat is a daily battle and usually filled with compromise. Snicker bar now? Then I tack on a little extra to my cardio later in the day. Slept in and missed my early workout? I have a busy night ahead and won't be able to get the workout in? I try not to kick myself. I decide at some point I will take a short brisk walk during my day and then resolve to be extra vigilant about making sure I don't miss my workout tomorrow. It’s more about essentials...

I think the biggest thing on my mind is that I want to look on my life retrospectively and not regret that I never did this or that because the latest episode of the current cool mini-series kept me from it. 

Am I really going to sacrifice the goals on my list for a daily Super Size goody bag? I refuse to seek solace a few ounces at a time, especially since I have the option to go hiking with my husband today, which I can remember it for many more tomorrows to come.

If I don't have the discipline to determine what and how much food goes in my mouth, what will happen when I face bigger challenges in life? Now is all I have. So I decide daily that I will eat to live, not live to eat. 

Last night's dinner: 4oz grilled chicken, grilled asparagus,

oven baked veggies & garlic wheat bread. My how times have changed.

Get In My Belly! (Part II)

So my last entry on Get In My Belly! (Part I) you got to see a snapshot of a kid not making wise choices with her food intake. 

But hey, I was a kid and the sixth of eight children. But what about the adult that child six became? I'm sure food in general, dinner choices and overall experience was different for my other siblings than it was for me. But this is my story that I'm telling. 

I am also certain, that "my story" is very familiar to countless others, as well as a complete shock to those that never faced their issues in this way.

In retrospect though, I must admit that I was an undiagnosed binge, crave-driven emotional eater, which I came to find out is a type of eating disorder. 

Simply put (though some of my behavior was definitely learned), I am human and have issues that weren't being dealt with in a healthy way.

My diet eventually became quite healthy, but the portions were not. Soda was a definite coping device and my drug of choice. My consumption of soda was really out of control. 

At one point I was easily taking in equal to or greater than ninety-six ounces daily. I was eating and drinking myself into a hard road of health problems and never appropriately dealing with my issues. 

Though come to find out later on, while receiving counseling, I learned that my poetry writing (which has been a hobby as long as I can remember) was probably my greatest saving effort for my mental and physical health.

My weight loss journey (i.e., when actual effort was applied) really began in 2004 and waffled with sincerity until 2006, when I gave up. 

Then in 2007 I found out what it was like to really completely give up, refusing to lend any effort in actually helping myself health-wise. If it couldn't be fixed by a pill, without changing my behavior, then it (I) wasn't worth the effort.

In 2008, I hit a critical point and thankfully something snapped and changed for the better. What changed? Understanding that if I have control over nothing else in my life, I do indeed have control over:

1- my response(s)

2 - what I put in my mouth

3 - how I spend my time

I decided that:

• I was no longer going to sit in front of the TV or movies and allow myself to drink a soda and mindlessly be entertained, so I didn't have to think about or deal with the real issues that needed attention.
• I owed it to my family, my husband, friends... MYSELF, to reinvent and redefine Diana.
• Simply put, I needed to trust, love and believe in myself.

Then I went on a reading frenzy online and in hard cover to learn and educate myself as to why I was the way I was, so that I could decide who I wanted to be and why. 

Over time, I began to learn that this had absolutely nothing to do with food or other vices, it's just that food and other vices were how everything manifested. 

Some people commit crimes, are violent, passive, self-mutilators, etcetera... For me, I did them all one piece, one sip, one purchase, one episode at a time.

So what I read:

• A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
• How to Eat, Move and Be Healthy by Paul Chek
• You The Owner's Manual by M.F. Roizen and M.C. Oz
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Total Nutrition by Joy Bauer
• The King James Bible
• The Book of Mormon

What I did that worked:

1. Questioned myself on everything. I mean incessantly, all day, everyday for over a year. It was relentless! Why buy this? Why am I craving that? What has happened today? Why did I answer that way? Why am I lying to myself as I look in the mirror? Why can't I? Why don't I? Why say that? Why do I do this? Why do I believe this (or that)?
2. I tried really hard to practice "mindful eating" (and still do)rather than following any fad diet, the concept of which is so fleeting and simply not good for the body. I used to think that eating by craving was good, because it must mean that I am aware of what my body is lacking, right? Not always the case. Eating by craving can also lead to binging. This is really bad when you are a person with addictive behaviors.
3. Decided and repeated to myself that I have control over my choices and my actions. I refuse to allow myself to be controlled be others, things, or even my own self-defeating talk. I have a choice.
4. When feeling emotionally low and/or physically weak, I found I must first go for a brisk walk before I do or decide anything else. There is always time for that, there are always options even when mobility changes how you exert that energy. When you feel like the option isn't there, you are indeed making excuses. It's a choice. You must stop everything else, because YOU are on the line.
5. I began to read food labels (even if I feel like I don't understand them); often this determines what I buy.
6. I began to continually strive to be a "water only" drinking girl.

By the time last year's Thanksgiving came, I knew I had really made significant changes in my life. I had just one sensible plate of food and I met another goal, which was to get a run in on Thanksgiving Day. 

I didn't experience a food coma, a weight gain, or experience any lethargy like I normally do on Thanksgiving Day. And the best treat of all was that I liked it and didn't feel like I was deprived in any way. It was a good day.

If there is nothing else you get from this entry, I hope that your take home message is this:

1. Facing your issues head on is better than ignoring them.
2. When it comes to food, everything in moderation is really the key. There is no diet, program or pill that will do better for you than moderation, mindful eating and self-discipline.
3. Despite what you may think, you are indeed worth it all.

.... to be continued...

Get In My Belly! (Part I)

In my past blog entries, when discussing weight loss, I never really addressed the topic of food. There's a reason for that, but today and the next few blog entries, I'm opening up. 

When it comes to food I now have strong opinions. This entry acts as a background for my next entry. I'm not heading out to offend anyone here, but this is indeed an outline of how it was growing up.

(Heartfelt Disclaimer: I really do love you Dad & Mom and you did a good job surviving, er, um, I mean raising eight kids.)

My parents really tried hard to make sure we had what was needed in so many different ways, sometimes though, over abundance was  a problem. 

Since I was about ten years old we always had two refrigerators and freezers at our house. The freezer was generally FULL of meat that we didn't use often enough and ice cream, that was used quite often.

The refigerators always had fresh staples of milk, mayo, butter and  condiments from a variety of fast food stores. Fresh food was in the front of the fridge and rotting food was always pushed to the back. 

I think everyone was to blame for that last one. We'd all bring the groceries in and then of course it always seemed like the last one to come in the house was the only kid left to put the groceries away. 

Somehow all the other kids seemed to simply vanish. Well, the kid left to put the groceries away wanted to hurry and go play, right? Hence, old food pushed to the back and bags of new groceries were placed in front. 

Seldom was the food actually removed from the bags. Glazed doughnuts on top of the fridge. Lots of bread and probably apricots (for Mom's sake) on the counter.

The storage room had plenty of canned soups, nearly expired rice, instant potatoes, canned fruit, crackers, wheat (that most likely had weevils in it), and popcorn kernels. The only thing that we really kept current was the popcorn (for Dad's sake).

From my perspective, a typical day went like this:

• Up at six-thirty in the morning, but later on in Junior High and High School I was up at about five. Breakfast was cereal with milk. Once the cereal was eaten and all that was left was milk, I would of course refill my bowel with cereal, because I don't like drinking the leftover milk. Then right before I would leave for school, I'd have a glass of chocolate milk and steal a doughnut from Dad's stash. Then I'd steal money from Dad's wallet or Mom's purse for goodies from the vending machines at school. I'd then go to school with my self-packed lunch bag of chips and a sandwich.
• Snacks came from the vending machine at school using the money I had stolen; my snack was usually just a can of soda.
• Lunch was the packed bag I would sometimes bring, but in addition, I'd buy a pizza or a chef salad from the lunch room with the money I had been given for the week.
• On the way home from school I'd stop at 7-Eleven and get a thirty-two ounce soda with the money I had stolen.
• After school I'd watch television while eating potato chips or a tomato sandwich, with lots of mayo. When Mom got home from shuttling somebody to a piano lesson or a doctor visit I'd turn off the television and pretend I had been doing homework. I would then relocate to my friends house to play and get into all sorts of mischief.
• If Mom or one of the kids hadn't made dinner by six-thirty or seven in the evening when Dad would call home to see if dinner was on, then he'd pick up fast food on his way home from work. The choices were usually one of the following: Kentucky Fried Chicken (only when all the mouths were home to feed), Iceberg (a local hamburger & shake place), Taco Time (also when lots of kids were home), McDonald's, Hire's (another hamburger place; but only when a small handful of kids were home).
• By nine at night I'd be in my bedroom listening to the radio while really doing homework and drinking a can of soda that had been hidden under my bed. I was generally asleep or starting to get ready for bed by eleven o'clock.

Memorable dinners:

Brenda (sister) - Macaroni & tuna concoction

Mom - Tuna Gravy over toast

Jesse (brother) - chili and corn bread

Dad - Lentil soup

Mom - really good potato salad with hamburgers.

Mom - chicken cordon bleu with ham passed it's prime and hollandaise that wasn't... well, mom tried...

Dad - pork chops & salad

I'm sure there are other siblings who tried. This is just what currently comes to mind.

All in all, my eating habits really didn't change much until I got to college. Then in college the portion sizes just got bigger, croissants got involved, soda intake increased and I was no longer playing school sports to burn off any of what I was eating throughout the day.

What I have outlined, for some, may seem really normal and typical. But for others... maybe not. Regardless, for me, this was the norm.

Okay, that's enough for today, but the reasons for this entry will be made clearer in my next entry.