Embracing the Ache

Sometimes life events cause the body, soul, and mind to ache beyond description. This experience can be best understood when loss has been experienced. 

In order to heal and reduce the aching, it is requisite to go into that space repeatedly. In other words, embracing the ache. 

Embracing the ache sucks, but when it subsides it's possible to realize just how much healing has occurred.  

It's sometimes a surreal feeling; to transition from feeling that it's almost too painful to even breathe to then turn some invisible corner and find peaceful acceptance.

I have been experiencing this over the last few months. It feels almost as if I've been living in a blur; a very painful to breathe kind of blur.

During this time it has been comforting to have memories of good times. The thrill of a run or simply talking about memories with close friends and family. A good nights sleep that wasn't interrupted by tears.

I couldn't write for a time, because I felt blocked. I feel a little more free now. My heart isn't as heavy. I still miss those that have passed away very much, chiefly my sister from this last May. 

I have been listening to some of her favorite music and that has been a tremendous connection and healer. 

Rainy days

I like the rain. It smells clean. Rain makes me feel alive and as though everything in life is going to be ok. Right now it is raining. I need it.

I like the sound of people or vehicles moving through the rain. I like the sounds of pitter-patter on unoccupied ground. I like the air that is required in order for rain to exist.

The feeling of rain, mist, or a downpour on my face has the same effect - it makes me calm. I have no idea why this is. Does it matter? 

All that matters when it comes to things like this is that it brings peace, comfort, or healing.

I remember a couple of college roommates that went out of our dorm room gleefully to literally go and dance in the rain. They tried to get me to go, but I was too embarrassed for some reason. 

But now my son has just finished his afternoon nap... I think we need to go and dance in the puddles I see on the patio. After that, I think a walk in the rain is in order as well.

Coming Clean

It happens to ALL of us. Stress, major life changes, death, deployments, disease.... too much too fast and that creates a loss of perspective and wavering self-discipline.

What is most annoying about these circumstances is that it becomes incredibly easy to fall back on habits that you thought you had gotten rid of. 

Even the strongest people are not exempt from being challenged in this way. My response to these situations are very much inline with thoughts expressed in Healthy Lifestyle Part I and Part II.

It's the darn sixth element of "struggle" that I spoke of in those two blogposts that is the motivation behind this entry. 

It is totally normal to face the Struggle Phase and experience a loss of perspective. It is also absolutely normal for waving discipline to completely frustrate all of your well thought out plans. 

It is also normal to sometimes feel like the Struggle Phase is lingering well beyond the amount of time that seems "fair"... shouldn't someone else being having their turn? No! Never wish that - ever!

What this really means is that you now find yourself needing to regain perspective and discipline...what do you do? 

I don't know about you, but what works well for me is to create a specific goal. In order to motivate myself to reach the goal I listen to certain music or reread things that make me feel good, like:
Continue In Patience (Uchdorf Video)
IF
Personal Dignity
10 Years Ago Today
Abiding Love

So, in order to overcome the desire for caffeine... AGAIN, I am going to follow my own advice right now.

R.I.P. In Life and Death

In the last two weeks my younger sister, Rebecca (age 35), passed away and my husband was deployed.

During this time I have had some of the sweetest moments of my life.

God is good to me. Life is beautiful, no matter how ugly people can be to each other. 

So often we hear the term "rest in peace" (R.I.P.) in reference to the dead, but it has a greater application. We should be able to rest with a peaceful heart in life as well as in death. 

Yes, this has been a tough time for me, but peace has been ever present during this time as well.

I would give more detail if I could articulate it. But the details aren't as important as the take home message noted above.

Laser Lipo

The other day while driving to an appointment I heard an ad on the radio for a local laser lipo business and the soundbite for the ad was, "get your lipo today and live your life beautiful."

This made me incredibly angry. 

What is the definition of beautiful? What is your perception of a beautiful person?

I have nothing against people getting lipo or other procedures like it. What I do have a problem with is the driving motivation and rational behind getting it done.

Have you known a physically appealing person who is a total beast to associate with? Are they beautiful?

Have you known someone who always smiles, emotionally builds up others around them? Are they beautiful?
 
Think of the senior citizens in your life that you love and reach out to. Why do you reach out to them? How do they make you feel? Are they beautiful?

What is beauty? Really stop and really think about it for a moment.

I sure hope this gets you thinking about your own perspective of what beauty is. 

"Wow! You..."

The other day I asked my friends on Facebook a question. A few answered and I have really been contemplating how I would even answer it. The question is:

If a younger version of you could see you today, 

how would he/she fill in the blank: "Wow! You..."

I think I have my answer. I say "think" because I want to toss it out and discount it, yet, the thought keeps coming back to me. So, it must be true.

I honestly mean this without conceit. This statement is hard fought for and continually challenged by daily body image issues and internal self-esteem battles. This is my response:

"Wow! You are beautiful, desirable, smart, lovable, and worth every effort. Most importantly, it is possible to love, accept, and respect yourself. Go girl!" 

Turn it off!

Have you ever been so surrounded by the white-noise of life that you feel a constant nagging and yet undefined agitation?

This is what happens to me when I don't get quiet time to simply reflect and think. This time is sacred and requires being unplugged and push notifications turned off. 

For me, the best meditation and reflection time typically occurs either running or with my favorite pen in hand, paper nearby and either on a beautiful walk or sitting in an awesomely comfortable chair.

If I don't get quality time like that I feel lost, frustrated, and internally angry. I don't think I realized how critical this time is for me until recently. 

Having just spent time on a little vacation to Mexico at beautiful resort, I had some of this reflection time. It came in fits and starts while still needing to be a mom and a wife, but I was able to get more of this reflection time than normal.

I learned something during this time that was critical to know. Yes, I need a moment in time for inner reflection and it can certainly happen in 5-10 minutes. 

I just need to be more willing to surrender to that time, rather than fighting for more - thinking that quantity is more valuable than quality.

I also learned how I have used stupid apps to numb the void I feel inside when I don't take a quality 5-10 minutes to myself. That constant numbing wastes so much time and makes us oblivious to amazing experiences that can only be seen after pressing the off button.

These are important things to learn and rediscover throughout life. This practice is a good mental health check.